So you want to know all about Internet dating eh? Well you’ve come to the right place. I’m Mark Restuccia – a world class expert in the field. I used to be the most prolific internet dater in my weight class, so I think it’s about time I offered you my top ten tips on the subject. Shall we?

1. Try not to post a picture of yourself taken in the bathroom mirror. It just looks like you’ve got no friends. And for gods’ sake, if there’s a toilet in the background – do make sure that you’ve flushed the chain.
2. Try to avoid clichés in your profile. For example, try something like this: ‘I’m here looking for a partner in crime because I’m looking to do over a few petrol stations in the West London area. I’m a glass half full kinda guy, mainly because I’m very clumsy carrying drinks. I sometimes work hard and play hard, depending how much Viagra I take and I’m always kind to animals (in-front of people).’
3. Always check your grammar. You don’t want to end up with a mistake such as the following which I found in the ‘Likes’ section of someone’s profile: ‘Going to the cinema, eating out my nan.’ If ever a comma was needed eh?
4. Best time to email someone is a Sunday. Single people like myself are 30% more depressed than on other days of the week. Try and get in there before the Come Dine With Me omnibus though, cos old Lamby’s cheered us all up a bit by then.
5. Don’t bother emailing or even subscribing at Christmas. You’re more likely to get stung for a Christmas present. Then you have the quandary of whether to buy an expensive present and look like a psycho or buy a little one and look stingy. I’d tend to go for something middle of the road. Something that costs about £40 and also doesn’t make you look too keen – like a Toyboy Warehouse subscription.
6. Always check your potential love interest’s star sign. Not for compatibility but it’s a useful way to check if their birthday’s coming up soon. Again, you don’t want to get stung.
7. Always do the phone test. It’s best to find out what someone sounds like or whether they’re a bit socially awkward or not. However, in some instances they can be great on the phone but awful in real life. In which case I would suggest carrying out the rest of the date on the phone.
8. I would say try to show a bloody interest guys. Ask loads of questions. I have a standard list. Ever had any pets? Maybe expand on that one. What was the name of your first one? Be a bit random .. What was your first car? What was your mother’s maiden name?
9. If you want to get out of a bad date, may I suggest installing Grindr on your smart phone. It’s an application that homosexual gentlemen use to find sexual partners within the immediate vicinity. If it’s going badly, leave your phone out on the table and just wait for that push notification and the look of horror on her face. Crushr if you’re female – although he may end up liking you more.
10. Can’t get a second date? Why not issue a loyalty card to your potential love interest? I usually have an offer such as ‘Go on 5 dates and receive a delicious muffin on the 6^th.

By Mark Restuccia, stand-up comedian and serial online dater. Check out his forthcoming book Your Place or Mine on Unbound.

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