Zipping It
Recently I was talking to a man about relationships. I occasionally like to confer with the enemy on topics such as this, in order to gain a greater understanding of their species. I was interested to hear his views on the subject. Despite being an open-minded chap, breezy about subjects sexual and seemingly unfazed with the idea that a girlfriend might have had lovers in the past, he expressed, in no uncertain terms, that, as a rule, things from the past should be left in the past and not discussed at length in the present.
This is not something that is unique to him either. It hasn’t escaped my attention that most articles entitled ‘How to get a boyfriend’, ‘Why you haven’t got a boyfriend’, ‘How not to be single’ and ‘Why you are single’ start with the premise that you should never give too much away or talk about your ex’s.
Hashtag Golden Rule … apparently.
Initially I dismissed his ridiculous ideas, until a few hours after the conversation, I pondered his suggestion and reflected on my own loose tongue in previous conversations.
I wondered if, actually, his theory may go towards explaining why, at an increasingly ripe old age, I am without a plus one. I am not a very good rule follower.
I will give you a few examples from my own palette to illustrate the point in hand, ones which I am well aware of having made myself in the past.
– Do not tell a man you lost your virginity to a gypsy in a bunk bed when you were 15. What is an hilarious anecdote amongst your friends over 3 bottles of Sauvignon, will fill your suitor with thoughts of caravans, bare knuckled boxing, florescent pink polyester and tarmac driveways. There are things your lover’s mind should be subconsciously infiltrated with, this is not one of them.
– Try and avoid telling him about the time you were so ill on a train you had to lie down on the toilet floor because you couldn’t stop puking. In future, whilst visiting the bathroom, he will inevitably spend the majority of the time visualising you face down on piss covered tiles with last nights dinner in your hair. Never a good look. (likewise, SO pissed … in any situation. Avoid puke generally.)
– Do not tell him about the time you stalked your boyfriend after you broke up, even as a joke, even in the context of a ‘slight detour’ a couple of times a week. Men don’t read slight detours as a bit of fun, they view slight detours as extreme mental illness and dead pet bunnies.
– Do not tell him about the time you joined a cult because the guy you were seeing was a fully paid up member. Again, what you think is a good example of your open mind and willingness to understand different sub-cultures he will think of as example of you having group sex with 67 people wearing white boiler suits at a mass wedding in an unidentified location in southern America.
– Do not tell your suitor about the time your ex-boyfriend ignored you for 24 hours. He will not think that your ex-boyfriend was a paranoid psycho (he was), he will simply wonder what you did to provoke him to react so dramatically and inevitably conclude that you had sex with your ex’s dad in front of him.
– Do not tell him you have had sex with a Playboy bunny. Initially this may present itself as a successful and immediate way of gaining his attention/affection but will actually just serve to double is estimations of how man people you have had sex with in the past.
– And finally do not tell your suitor you have a ‘big secret’ which you have never told anyone before. He will not think you sound glamorous and exotic, he will think you were either born a man called Colin or have Aids.
Simply put, anything your friends will find hilarious in your past, your boyfriend in the present will probably not. Remember that it is only a matter of time before he finds out you are a demented drunk stalker, why ruin the surprise by forewarning him of the treat.
Ancient history? … not on my watch.
Written by Katy Horwood. You can read her blog here
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