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Do you want fries with that?

Are you a sizzling steak or a soggy burger in the bedroom?

Once upon a time, the height of quality dining meant enjoying a damn good steak. Steakhouses dotted themselves around our conurbations, both here and across the pond, leaving no man truly a man until he knew his way round a pretty fine rump, along with the wallet to procure it.

It was a sign of quality, of commitment; the preparation, the maturing and development, the sheer investment. Safe and predictable, this was the ‘going steady’ of the restaurant world.

And then fast food took hold. Why wait 28 days for a quality rib eye when you can pay pennies for something you can cram in your gob in mere minutes? You had a hunger, and it was satisfied, fast; job done.

Of course, there was a trade off for that speed and convenience. Cue questionable contents, dodgy decisions, conveyor-belt anonymity. No wonder film actor Paul Newman replied to a question about adultery with, “Why go out for a hamburger when you have steak at home?” As a metaphor for quality the quote stuck (and hell, he even sold salad dressings to go with those steaks). Today the fast-food burger’s firmly fallen from grace. Come on. It’s tacky, isn’t it?

So hello, gourmet burger. High quality, unique, for a more discerning palate. An older woman might not want the commitment of a steak any more, but she’s not satisfied by the grubby burger of her youth, either. And when it’s good, it’s really good. As one self-confessed ‘menopausal nymphomaniac’ put it recently, “One 25-year-old does things I didn’t know were possible. He’s so good I feel I’ve discovered another room in my house.”

But how can you be ‘gourmet’? How can you be sure both parties ‘have it their way’? Invest in your own menu. Your own sex menu.

Because it’s not just quality that sets a gourmet burger apart; it’s the variety, it’s the skill, and it’s also the information about the ingredients. Too many of us end up on what sex and relationship therapist Tania Glyde calls a ‘sexual escalator’: a predictable and default set of sexual steps, all leading in a certain sticky direction.

A sex menu gets you stepping off the road more travelled and gets you uncovering your own path. Detailing your sexual likes, dislikes, areas of curiosity and areas of no-go etc, it’s the smart way to ensure mind-reading, mind-BLOWING sex from the outset. Hate having your hair pulled? Yearn to be spanked on the bottom with a Woman’s Weekly? Write it all down. Consider it the world’s most satisfying cheat code for your partner, EVER.

A recent talk held by The Summer House Weekend, London’s home of intimacy, respect, consent and kink, introduced a treasure-trove of resources for whetting one’s menu-making appetite at Just download and tick your way through a range of templates. Welcome to a multiple-choice with VERY interesting options.

Feeling a little queasy about sharing such intimate details with another? Then it’s even more worth dipping into. For older women it’s the perfect process of self-discovery (how DO you want to be kissed, now your think about it?); as for toyboys, it’s imaginative proof that there’s way more to sexual satisfaction than the pounding found in porn.

And if you do end up sharing and discussing it? Wow, that’s hella foreplay, folks. Plus, you know that sexual dysfunction in women can be solved with basic communication, right?

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