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Man at the beach

Enforced Celibacy

Tragic, but it happens. Sometimes we go without. For a few months in my case. I suppose there are various reasons why this awful state of being can come to pass – being a lighthouse keeper, being forced into a convent (although I’m sure those nuns sometimes… sorry, I mustn’t lose my train of thought…), being married (or so I’m told). But I’m pretty sure mine is among the most worrying.

In short, I injured my penis. I’ve written and rewritten that phrase several times but there’s no real way of varnishing or getting around the brutal, awful truth. I’m sure you’re familiar with penises? Well, you know that little flap of skin at the top which is attached to the foreskin? It got cut.

Now, if you’re male, at this point you may well have just made a sharp intake of breath and gone “Ow!” in sympathy. Thanks for that.  It’s the same reaction I’ve had whenever I’ve told guys about this.  Even the manliest manly man who breaks his arm and reacts by making his own sling then going for a pint, will get a bit squeamish if you mention “penis” and “cut” in the same sentence. It’s an instinctive reaction, written deep in our DNA – probably a good thing too.

The second thing they ask is “How the hell did you manage to do that?” A fair question, to which I’ll provide an answer. If you’re at all sensitive, look away now.

I did it while having sex (from this point on, I shall refer to it as the act). Nothing especially athletic or gymnastic was happening but it was reasonably vigorous. The exact how (stray fingernail perhaps?) I’m not sure of but the resulting conversation went a bit like this:


“What’s wrong?”

“I don… ahhh… sorry I’m going to have to stop for a…oh god.”

“What’s… oh god!”

“Is that you or me?”

“It’s definitely not me.”

“You’re sure? Oh god it is me!”

“I’ll get some tissues.”

The evening went downhill from there.

Anyway, lots of blood and no small amount of pain – but the real problem was that even though it healed quickly, it remained painful every time I tried to engage in the act. Which isn’t ideal. No one wants to live their life experiencing pain every time one attempts the act.

So, after a conversation with a middle aged female GP (what a fun chat that was) it was decided that I’d have to be circumcised if I wanted to do the act in future. No foreskin = no problem.

I weighed this up. I’m told that circumcised guys have more fun. In other words, they feel more during the act – which makes sense. I know a chap who grew up in South Africa who went into hospital to have his appendix taken out and was given a circumcision as a freebie. He always said he was grateful. On the other hand, it takes months to heal properly, and in that time you definitely cannot engage in the act. I decided to be brave and book myself in for circumcision, after which I would have a Bar Mitzvah party.

This story has an anticlimax – I’ve now found that the cut has healed to the extent where I can engage in the act normally. So, I cancelled my appointment and my foreskin remains in place.

I’m not sure what the point of this is, other than

A) Celibacy sucks and

B) Ladies, please be gentle with your toyboy’s penis.

And C) Circumcision is available on the NHS if you prefer your toyboy to have the Jewish look.

By Whitetaileddeer

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