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5 Untold Reasons Why Men Crave Older Lovers

I read an article in last weekend’s Sunday Times about cougars in France, noting that the new economy minister (aged 36) is married to a 56 year old. The piece suggests that such couples are becoming a bit of a social phenomenon there, with 20% of first time brides in 2012 being older than their spouses1. This got me pondering: exactly what are the unique features of age gap dating where a man is considerably younger than a woman? Are there any at all or is it the same as any couple dating, irrespective of age?

So I had a chat with my friend, Mr Committed Toy, let’s refer to him as ‘CT’ for convenience. He’s the one who informed me of the existence of a number of years ago and encouraged me to join. CT shared some of his long experience in dating women older than he is and what makes it so addictive. Together here is what we devised, 5 key differences when older women date younger men:

  1. Older women are in themselves an aphrodisiac for younger guys – the stuff of fantasy, social taboos and possibly evoking memories of sexual awakening as adolescents. She is likely to have at least one of the following when compared to women his own age: more independence, more confidence, more financial prowess, a better education. She’ll definitely have more life experience in general and possibly more sexual experience, although not necessarily. All of this can lead back for some to memories of first sexual crushes on more powerful females, heady stuff!
  2. Younger men may find themselves in the novel role of sex object, admired and pursued for their physical beauty, in a clear role reversal of normal expectations. Being desired in this way, by someone who definitely does not need you in order to function, but who wants you despite that, can be an irresistibly powerful experience.
  3. This kind of relationship will involve a certain degree of reversal in power dynamics, which can be really exciting and erotic. Younger men may find themselves playing a much more submissive role than they are used to in relationships, with the woman being more directive and dominant. That may lead on to exploring a wide variety of psychosexual interests- I’m sure you can use your imaginations on that point!
  4. For some, taboo is part of what makes this age gap dating so attractive. In the Sunday Times article, Eric Zammour is quoted as lamenting the ‘feminisation’ of French manhood and the loss of patriarchy; other powerful influences call upon ‘the natural order’, ‘moral compasses’ or religious teaching to justify why young men should not be with older women. But we all know that the more something is anti-establishment, the more seductive it can be. Young men have always been instrumental in experimenting, exploring their own identity, breaking rules and driving social change. Age gap dating of this kind attracts free thinkers, idealists, rebels and intellectuals of both sexes, people who like to create their own rules.
  5. The female biological clock. According to research by Michael Dahan of Montreal University, an older woman who can still have children will be driven by biology to find a mate “as young as she can get”, because he will possess better quality sperm. I’m not sure about that. I would have thought, assuming no other factors were coming into play, that this kind of relationship should then be much more common than it actually is.

As for CT, he says he’s quite happy if other men don’t have the same dating interests, as: “It means there’s more choice for me!”

I feel that whatever the age gap, there still needs to be some common ground, an attraction and affection, an overlap of needs. Expectations and values between the individuals involved. Having said that, this dating niche exerts an explosive power. Once you light the touch paper, you may find the fireworks never stop!

1-    France purrs as les cougars go prowling, The Sunday Times, 26 October 2014, p.33


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