Dating these days is tantamount to Noah’s Ark, pairs and pairs are heading up towards altars taking their gleaming smiles and happy endings away from all of us older dreamers down here.  By older, I mean older than I was a few years ago, not incapacitated to the point of throwing me into a home and forgetting about me.

I’ve never understood this term because in reality it’s a struggle to get up the hill in the first place.  On reaching the beautiful 360-degree panoramic, you can enjoy the view and take your fine-ass time coming down traversing past the obstacles you’ve observed in detail – with binoculars – from the summit.  How can the proverbial therefore be such a negative?  It doesn’t make sense.

I am meant to have earned my clever insights into the opposite sex by now and sketch up pretty little mediums; a comfortable equilibrium; a magical algebraic sum where x is the, um, missing factor equal to the big conundrum, ell-oh-vee-ee which incidentally, is the first thing my eyes land on every morning on my window sill before I stare into the empty space beside me.

So partner-finding when I’m wiser – talking thirties plus here – is supposed to be that little bit easier.  Avoiding all the immature nightmares from the previous ten years is a bonus (though depending on my emotions, might still have me waking up with cold sweats at 4am) while on the other hand, anxiety attacks and the oh-my-god-is-it-ever-going-to-happen-to-me-am-I-going-to-be-alone-forever syndrome is a little bit on the negative side.  It’s not about love at first sight as such, but it shouldn’t be love at last plight either.

There’s so much pressure to find the One as if the human species is dying out and the opposite sex is in danger of extinction.  With constant bombardment and catapulting into pretend glossy lives – is it any wonder relationships don’t end happily.  It’s interesting, because for some psychotic reason, I feel obliged to sign up to marriage-and-kids before even thinking about whether or not I want to see this face before me on the all-out old, grey, toothless and wrinkly scale.

So ladies, gents, take a step back and enjoy each other’s company.  It sounds disgustingly dull and insipid, but truly I have the Three C’s for you; care, compatibility and companionship.  This is the relationship foundation for the new age.  Well, it’s going back to basics really; common sense is another one (and, another c, there’s a pattern here).

And finally, if you manage to grasp anyone with these epically rare missing chromosomes, do not avert your eyes, do not close your heart or cancel your soul.  Ask, or you will not be fulfilled.  And not being fulfilled forever is a really long time folks.  Be fearless.

This blog was written by Kiki Swayla, a poet and relationship blogger and is published as part of our 30 Blogs in 30 Days campaign.

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