Telling the children
I can’t imagine any of us ever thought there would come a day when, partners or husbands long gone, we would be in the position of having to juggle our interest in younger men with the reaction of our children to that interest. Of course the children are our number 1 priority but there is life after marriage and we should be able to carry on that life without feeling guilty or fear or recrimination. But do we?
I’m lucky. My children are in their 20s; my daughter doesn’t live at home and my son, on the occasions when I’ve wanted the house to myself, has been happy to spend the weekend at his girlfriend’s house. When I asked how he really felt about my activities, his view was that he was very happy I was enjoying life again and having fun and would never be judgemental. It wasn’t quite so simple with my daughter, her view was that although she didn’t really understand my moving on since her father’s death she accepted that it was my choice but would rather not know any details. Unfortunately she had to face up to the reality when, a couple of months ago she rang to say she was coming home for a couple of days and I had a visitor for the weekend. Faced with the difficult decision whether to send my visitor home a day early or tough it out with my daughter I decided the visitor should stay. Bless him I think he was quite terrified at the prospect of meeting her especially as he was actually a year younger than her and I had described her as a very outspoken girl but at least I knew the difficult situation wouldn’t be compounded by him preferring my daughter or vice versa as she is gay.
There was an initial awkwardness when she arrived after which they chatted civily enough but when my daughter caught me alone we had a very difficult session during which she became very tearful and accused me of forgetting her father and moving on. I tried to explain that it was not a question of forgetting anyone but that yes, I had moved on whether she liked it or not. I also told her that, rather than embarrass her, the visitor had booked into a local hotel for the night but I intended spending the night there, not at home. Of course she hated that idea but I felt that as the situation was now out in the open I had to make my own choice. when I returned home the next day she apologised for her behaviour saying she had been very harsh and having thought about it realised I deserved to have fun, was very happy that I was and would I apologise to the visitor if she’d been rude. When I stayed with her recently we even laughed about the situation and she related the story to some of her friends.
I realise of course that some people may not have the luxury of being able to have a child free house at times and it must be especially difficult for those whose children are much younger. Sneaking a visitor into the house once the children are in bed can’t be ideal and even having to explain being out for the evening on a date must be awkward at times. I have friends whose children have no idea their mothers are internet dating and others who would never invite someone to the house because they worry how the children would react.
Each person’s situation is different and in some cases telling ones children may just not be an option. In my case I feel honesty has been the best policy, I don’t make a point of ringing my daughter to tell her each time I meet with someone but she now knows, and totally accepts, that tbw has become part of my life and is something I enjoy very much. I would just say though that there will come a time when the children move out, live their own lives and make their own choices without expecting parental approval or acceptance so if you are able to, be honest with them no matter how difficult it may be initially. After all, most of us have probably gone through difficult times in our marriages or partnerships which is why we are now on our own and we deserve to have some fun in our lives again, with or without the approval of the children.
By Trish
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