No reply? Here’s why.
Fed up with your inbox? You’re not alone.
I’ve rejoined the site recently after a long break, and my inbox has been filling up ever since. OK, that sounds really vain; let me explain. My inbox has been filled with the following;
“Hey”
“Hey!”
“Hi’
“Hey beautiful xxx”
“Looking for fun!”
Occasionally it’s interspersed with longer messages;
“You look like just the kind of woman I’m looking for, please read my profile and get in touch”
“Hi my name is [x] and [several paragraphs on where they live, what they do, their personality traits as a list] Look forward to hearing from you!”
And finally, the reason why I’m writing this;
“Is there a reason why you’re not replying?”
Yes, yes there is. Here are a few reasons why I may not reply to you.
1. There’s nothing to respond to.
‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’ give me no way into a conversation. What do I reply with, another ‘hi’ or ‘hey’? Our conversation feels doomed to progress as follows;
“Hi”
“Hi”
“How are you?”
“Good thanks. You?”
“Yeah, good thanks”
“Good”
“Yeah, good”
I actually fell asleep while writing that. I know small talk has its place, but there’s talk that’s so small, its very reason for existing is microscopic.
Do I want to begin a conversation with someone who appears from the very outset to be a poor conversationalist? I’m sorry, but no thank you. No wonder there’s the idea that, despite their youthful physical attributes, some older women think this;
“Just a thought on the younger man-older woman relationship — although the loving arms of a young teddy bear may be comforting — good sex may not be enough to bridge the daily conversation and friendship gap.” Read more.
Give me a compelling reason to respond, make it EASY for me to respond, and maybe I’ll respond. Deal?
2. You’re playing a numbers game
Whenever I receive a message that appears to be a cut-and-paste jobby sent to many MANY women, I automatically switch off.
These include the brief ‘Hi!” from the above all the way to the incredibly long essays extolling virtues including (but not confined to) age, career, location, relationship history, character/personality traits, sexual prowess, physical attributes. All without any indication of having read my profile.
It feels like I’m being broadcast to by a particularly indiscriminate advertiser; “Madam! Are you over 35 and have a vagina? YOU MEET OUR CRITERIA HERE HAVE A PRIZE”
It’s kind of horrible to receive, if I’m honest. It feels like you’re messaging me simply because I have something you’d like to stick your willy into. My sense of humour? My intelligence? The way I swirled an armful of words into a profile that’s honest, inspired and true? Nope, just an aperture for your willy.
URGH.
3. I’m just not into you
Women get this all the time; had a great date with a guy who ghosted straight after? In what seemed to be a relationship and then never heard from them again?
And the message that generally comes out of these painful experiences? They just weren’t into you, honey. Here, have all the Ben and Jerry’s. No really, I bought you a tub ‘specially.
It’s really really rare that I see someone I want to get to know better. I mean, it’s not quite up there with unicorns and hen’s teeth, but it’s pretty damn close. And then, it’s another rare step again for someone to interest me enough to meet them. I haven’t replied to you? Don’t worry, you’re in the vast majority. You’re normal.
So if I don’t reply, I’m really sorry. On the plus side I’m not going to ghost you after we meet, right?
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