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Pretty Valentines gift with hearts on the giftwrap on a big white ornamental bow on top, closeup high angle view of a gift for a loved one or sweetheart

The Best and Worst Valentine’s Day Gifts

Valentine’s day, most have recognized but only the brave have admitted, is the worst day of the year, even for non-singles.  You have to uncomfortably analyze your relationship, pick the right gift to express your feelings, and hope that you don’t blow it or send the wrong message.  To help you through the mires and mazes of getting that perfect gift, I’ve compiled a list of the best and worst.  Now you no longer have to pick at your peril!


1. The Classic:  Chocolates and flowers.   I personally find it immensely sexy to be given the reproductive structures of angiosperms.   Narrow-minded people will tell you that flowers are cliché and predictable, but classics become classics for good reason.  Many of us have had to buy ourselves chocolates and flowers every year because our lovers were too afraid of filling the cliché, so we had to do it ourselves; trust me, that’s far worse.  Be original, though; pick your valentine’s favorite flower, or a posy with interesting colors.

2. The Creative:  Fake flowers.  (Please note: this and “The Classic” are not mutually exclusive.)  Turn your love-notes into a bouquet!  They will last longer than real flowers, and your lover can literally, instead of figuratively, read your adoration.

3. The Practical:  Boxes and boxes and boxes of condoms.   They demonstrate your capacity for forethought and prudence and are a not-so-subtle way of saying, “I want to rip your clothes off three times a day from now until August.”  What could be sexier than that?

4. The Sweet:  Plan to go out for the entire day; museums, parks, that café that you’ve been meaning to try.  Stepping away from the world and spending time with your valentine shows that you value his / her company, which is really the best gift ever.  Actions, my friends, speak stronger than words.  Plus (because we’re all a little bit selfish), it’s a gift that you can enjoy, too!

5. The Sexy:  It’s like “The Sweet” but it takes place at night and is slightly less………….wholesome.  Candles, rose-petals, and lingerie instead of museums, parks, and a café.   According to science (I’m told), experiences make you happier for longer than new objects do, so give your lover something he / she will remember!


1. The Insulting:  A nice, new, shiny vacuum cleaner.  We don’t care how fancy it is, how well it gets all those stale crisps crumbs from between the sofa cushions, or how good your intentions are.   You are basically saying, “You should vacuum more.”  This, in case you aren’t aware, is the wrong message.

2. The Awkward:  “This was my mother’s engagement ring.  I want you to have it.”  “Duuuuuude, we just met last week!”

3. The Platonic:  Printer paper.  Groceries.  The little felt pads that go on the bottom of chair legs.  Basically, anything practical (that’s not condoms—see, “The Practical”), doesn’t count as a gift.

4. The Boring:  A store-bought card.  Cards are soulless.  You might as well say, “I have so little imagination, I had to pay someone who has never met either of us to express my feelings for you.”  Unless you are genuinely illiterate, write your own.

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