A Clockwork Adieu
Well I guess it’s time I got my coat once and for all. But before my departure, perhaps a few final thoughts; after all if explanation is required, then surely one owes at least some explanation…
You know, contrary to my own belief, some have been calling me a player. I mean it has even been suggested I should carry a government health warning. Now is that damning through faint praise or in fact praise through faint damning? Take your pick. However more telling is perhaps the observation that I am a pastiche, a man who wants to be more than he is. Harsh. But fair. After all such is BD’s raison d’etre. I’m sure you are indeed ‘bored’ now with the amount of times I’ve told you how I created a supposedly cooler online persona which I’ve since gone on to live out offline (to a degree) precisely because I was indeed striving to be more, to get more (in the romantic, carnal, professional and material sense) than I perceived I already had. But hey that’s what I did. And so rather than being some twenty-first century Walter Mitty, I’ve truly lived and am still living the dream.
Why have I told you my tales here; because I adore older women and always have, they just turn me on way more than younger ones for reasons that fly far over and above the obvious one. Dig a little into what’s befallen me over the past few years since BD first appeared in an online chatroom one night and cherchez la (older) femme – and I don’t just mean Jane Compton either. Thus as well as anecdotal reflections on the past, I’ve also given my thoughts on the present when it comes to this whole dating lark and the particular dynamics as my humble opinion sees them. At the same time, since returning from a little beach holiday some months back I’ve in amongst all this pondered on one’s place in the wider scheme of things too; me being the almost mid thirties and more settled toyman (whether you like or loathe the phrase) who is rapidly approaching some sort of lifestyle crossroads rather than a younger adventuring toyboy who’s yet to give a monkeys about all that.
My one regret, I suppose, is I began all this at the age of twenty-nine rather than a little sooner. Thus I’ve not had as much time in the playground as some of you far more eligible younger guys out there whom let’s face it attract more of the appeal than perhaps I soon will do to those I’ve warmed to. And so what of some of you are at times a little hotheaded and irresponsible etc. That’s the beauty of youth. You’re allowed to be, within reason (and legality). That’s what self-discovery is all about so I tip my metaphorical cap to you and say carry on; but be gracious at the same time rather than spiteful or cruel – it gets you further in the long run.
But you know, as I’ve said before, should I really regret? Better a late change than never after all. BD was only ever about finding a bit of confidence to get what I wanted anyway. I merely personified it into my slicker alter ego; who eventually metamorphosed himself back into me (doing wonders for my wardrobe in the process if nothing else). And so I’ve had a blast, am having blast!
Things is though, you’ll have recently noticed too somewhat jaded commentary on my latest experiences. In that they follow a certain pattern, a pattern I created for myself (with BD’s help) on my thirtieth birthday, but which it seems can only take me so far – both professionally and personally. Therefore I need to tweak the model a bit now don’t I, or else (as I observed once before) sooner or later the magic’s gonna fade and just be replaced by self-inflicted parody.
Look, let me give you a comparison. There’s a guy I know. Well to be fair he’s more a pal of my friend Joe’s, although bizarrely he works in my industry for a competitor. Anyway he’s a bit older than me, say mid to latter thirties, physically passable I guess (depending on your tastes), good job, nice car, nice place, pretty chilled lifestyle. On the very few occasions we’ve chatted he’s told me about how when he was younger he too went off insecurely questing for that ‘can’t I be something better’ malarkey, but has since realised that, turned down or otherwise, it’s still more fun to just be who he is; sometimes flamboyant, sometimes reflective, sometimes introverted, sometimes the opposite. The point being he’s not trying to play a role like I am; he doesn’t need to. Okay he’s still single, he dates just occasionally (he shares my preference of older women actually although he’s open to slightly younger ones too), but that’s because now being happy as he is he’d only change his current situation if something came along that was worth making him change it. He’s even achieved without striving to be the high-flier, and is an aspiring author too (apparently he’s not bad if anyone knows an agent seeking new talent). In other words then he’s not trapped in a role/persona (or wannabe cliché) hindering the next steps in his life, it’s just down to him if he wants to take them, irrespective of what others think he should or shouldn’t do or be.
I envy that. You see what I did was go from one extreme to the other, whereas he’s mixed it up a bit. So maybe that’s what I need to do now rather than just continually procrastinate. And perhaps the best way for me to do this is to drop a few barriers (yikes!) and see if I really can allow more feelings in, whether I get hurt again or not. It’s not that I’m going full circle to when I said goodbye to Jane and am now toppling this wall of cool I’ve built. It’s more I’m just putting a door in, that’s all. If you’ve ever read ‘A Clockwork Orange’ (and I emphasise ‘read’ rather than seen the movie), you’ll know that in the end nasty old Alex doesn’t change through what’s done to him, but more because he just decides for himself, hey you know what, time to maybe grow up, get involved and ‘be’ something else.
Quite simply then, to those I’ve danced with one way or another over the last five years, I thank you for what you at last let me have. And to all those fabulous older women and younger chaps out there enjoying what I’ve thus far enjoyed (and hey might still enjoy for a while yet I guess), your time is now; just try and understand each other a bit more without letting cheap insults and over analysis kill the fun.
Right, the coat’s on. Time to be something else…
By Bastian Dash
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