Ask Tanya | Tips & Tricks: Dating Online…
Tips For Dating Success
I don’t doubt you’ll see time and time again tips to aid in the dating game, for finding and keeping that perfect partner and each time you’ll look back and think what a load of rubbish – or you might even think they were bloody good! So to add to all of those that have been and gone and to those yet to surface, here are a few of mine to start with – more to follow over the next couple of weeks, so stay tuned!
When I talk about timing I’m not referring to the time you turn up for your date or indeed when you’re about to orgasm (although there’s another tricky one to answer haha!), no the timing I’m talking about is in your life. The time you take before you even enter the dating game.
Whether you’re a first timer, a divorcee getting back into the saddle (after god knows how many years of marriage), or are trying to find that element of trust in someone again, you should always take time to reflect and decide.
By that I mean not rushing into anything. I’ve known so many people who have been in a long term relationship and suddenly after many years waking up to the same person every day, feeling comfortable with life, have suddenly found themselves alone.
The routine they’d known for so many years now out of the window and the realization this is the way it’s going to be hits hard, though very dependent on circumstance, of course, but the worse thing you can do is hop straight into another relationship.
Most notably, men have a higher percentage rate for climbing straight into another relationship, along with women who have always relied upon other halves or those with children still at school. If we have been happy and content with sharing our lives, the disruption of that ideal can subconsciously have us seeking the next person to fill the void and, all too soon, the realization kicks in of jumping straight out of the frying pan and into the fire, proven also by the high level of second divorces!
When I divorced, I felt exactly the same. I’d married straight from home, hadn’t known a life without family or a husband and without really seeing it, I found myself looking at every man as a potential mate whenever I was out. We tend to crave what we’re missing and when it doesn’t materialise, we start to question ourselves; our looks, our ways, but it isn’t about any of that, it’s about getting back to being you.
I took a long hard look at everything and decided yes I could survive, yes I could build a home for one, yes I could change light bulbs and yes I could make important decisions. I also realized what I craved was the comfort, the closeness and I felt the only way I could feel that again was with a man, but actually, in truth, when I looked at it, I could get just as much comfort with my friends and family – knowing that made me stronger
I refocused my attention on friends and family, stopped looking at every man who walked into the bar and looked friends in the eye when they spoke, rather than looking past them. All in all, I took a good couple years of just being me before I ‘fell’ into any kind of relationship and by that time I was ready – no baggage, no hang ups and able to concentrate on the person I was with and not history.
So, what I’m trying to say is take time for yourself, get back to being just you, enjoy friends and family because when you’re ready you’ll know.
2. TICK LISTS
We all have them and whilst they may not be written down, they are there in our minds. Even more so when we use dating sites, as we only have photos and a short commentary to go on.
They say never judge a book by its cover, but sadly we do and why? Because we’re human and because our instincts allow us to. If only we were all stunningly beautiful or incredibly handsome, life would be perfect. Would it really? Would we truly be happy and what happens as we age? Youth disappears? What would we be wanting then?
Keep an open mind about everyone, take the time to discover, to listen, to understand and if it then doesn’t feel right, at least you gave it some time. If I’d stuck with my tick list, I never would have married the man I did and whilst we subsequently divorced 20 years later, I wouldn’t have changed that period of my life for the things I learnt about myself and others.
I still don’t have a tick list, albeit I do know what I don’t want rather than what I do want. Even that list is small, but very relative to the way I am and veers more to personality than looks, height, job, income, car – which so many of us use, but by all accounts it’s all so shallow and whilst may get you what you want initially, long-term it may not be as rewarding.
3. BE YOURSELF AND BE HONEST!
Seems a very simple and straightforward thing, but for so many it’s the hardest thing to be. To a degree, none of us are 100% who we are when we meet someone for the first time, by nature we are hesitant, apprehensive, secretive, which is all part and parcel of protecting ourselves.
Whilst we are unlikely to divulge how often we fart in bed or the fact we prefer to lick our dinner plates clean, honesty has to be the order of the day. Be honest about questions you’re asked, though there is a rule of thumb to use as to how personal these questions should be. Divulge enough to give a broad impression as to the type of person you are and how you could fit in with them, but being asked or being told they have toilet issues is really not what I mean, nor indeed is the fact your fertility years are waning and you need a father for your children fast!
Honesty also applies as to what you expect to come out of a relationship. If you’re not looking for anything serious and just companionship say so, if you’re looking for a one night stand, be clear or if it’s a long term relationship which may lead to marriage, make sure its what they’re after too. It’s no good looking for marriage material and then meeting someone who only wants sex, because no matter how hard you try, you probably will never change their mind!
I sometimes look at profiles on Toyboy Warehouse as to their honesty, but I find it a little confusing when they list ‘a relationship’ but also list ‘a fling’. Be clear so others can be too, though dating profiles and what we say are a whole different ball game and one we’ll cover another day haha!
4. BE KIND
By this I mean be kind to yourself. Love what and who you are. Don’t become a harsh critic of yourself, because you’re heavier than you should be, you’re not pretty, you’re not as intelligent as your friends, you didn’t go to university or you’ve got children. If you put barriers up, it’s going to be hard for the other person to bring them down. If you don’t like yourself, how do you expect someone else to?
We give out vibes when we meet people, our aura surrounds us, we emit messages. If you think you’re too fat for example, subconsciously you’ll be rounding your shoulders, folding your arms, trying to curl up hoping they won’t notice, but by doing these things you probably draw more attention.
If you stand tall, walk confidently, the first thing your date will see is you, your smile and the way you hold yourself as the confident person you are. If you’re not happy with your shape, you can change it, but always only do it for yourself. If you are, stand proud, and show the world who you are.
When you get up in the morning, look in that mirror and say good morning. Say hello to yourself, smile at yourself and you’ll be amazed at how much better you feel and what a difference it makes when you walk out of the door. How many times does a dating advert say ‘looking for someone who is happy with themselves’. Be happy, then those around you are happy, be miserable and those around will walk away. Be you and be true.
Look out for more tips coming soon, but if these do fall into your ‘rubbish’ bin then have fun reading anyway haha!!
Take care and happy dating!!
Love Tanya x