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Oh dear. I think I’ve become terribly dull. And it’s all of my own making too. This is a tricky period. One’s new path would be quite easy to give up right now. However, I must be resolute…
Once upon a time I was far too afraid to do anything, a frustrating period I eventually had to change. Now I’m rather worried I’m sinking into apathy. Thus instead of chastising myself for being too cowardly to take those risks, I seem to be chastising myself for quite simply not being arsed to. I don’t mean professionally. On that front the whole plan I first orchestrated way back when still serves me well so if it ain’t broken, I ain’t fixing. But on the personal front this has all become rather strange.
You see, having decided that it’s time to let the guard down just a little, something totally unexpected has happened. Part of me was afraid I was going to slide right back into who I was before. But instead it’s not that I’m too shy, too inhibited, too passive any more; as I said just now I can’t be bothered!
Look for a long time I’ve championed the cause of the singleton in current dating trends. Independence and self-sufficiency are our virtues and as long as we observe our own accountability in whatever no-strings or “committed” flings we get ourselves involved in, we’re allegedly as contented as pigs in sh*t. Having decided however that maybe I wasn’t as contented as I’d been boasting, I’ve clambered out the sty to supposedly smell some fresher air. I’m now wondering though if perhaps I’ve left it too late. Not because I’m past it, more because I’m past caring. But if that’s the case then perhaps there’s nothing beyond the butterfly after all.
Okay, so what do I mean by boring then? Well it’s no more bonking in theatre loos, getting unexpectedly pulled on last trains home, life threatening shenanigans in hotel showers or escaping the clutches of psychotically inclined French-Canadians for yours truly. I’m no longer even mingling at business soirees for anything other than… er business, and I’m positively the soul of decorum at most riotous shindigs these days too, to the point where whomever I’ve cosseted in some shady corner for merely an innocuous chat would I’m sure sooner be cosseted elsewhere. The glint has gone, the danger has passed, the carnival is over! But that’s my choice. If that’s the signal I’m purposely giving off, then such will be the response.
Am I getting cynical then? Moi? Well alright I know I have my moments but cynicism implies bitterness and I’m not bitter, well not like my friend Joe became a few years back where he spent much of the time lambasting what he perceived to be female hypocrisy on the laws of attraction and didn’t really let up on this until Beatrice came along and decided to marry him. But wait, surely that proves something else, that even the most sceptical of us can be proved wrong, meaning there’s hope for me yet then right?
Well that depends what I really want I guess. And at the moment I’ve no idea. But perhaps that’s best defined by my friend Sammie (herself a conundrum when it comes to all this stuff) who recently observed, “Your problem is this. You’ve started passing all these women up because you’re unconsciously saying to them show me more.”
Wow! Am I? Maybe. But surely I’m allowed to. I mean you always hear/read about women (younger or older) having their dealbreakers when it comes this kind of thing – I mean that’s what Shania’s warbling on about in “That Don’t Impress Me Much” isn’t it – so is it really politically incorrect for a chap to “be particular” when it comes to a potential lover/partner etc too. Isn’t he also allowed to be picky without being accused of conforming to stereotype etc? Sure some guys like my other pal Tony define picky by seeking merely the glam trophy appendages but I’m talking about something different here. Something, whatever it is, that just works for me (and of course her) and which I realise now I’ve not quite come across yet, not even with you know who.
Then again I’ve always thought that whole “seek and ye shall find” stuff doesn’t really apply to dating. More like “seek and ye shall NOT find”, isn’t that how it goes? Mind you that does make me somewhat hypocritical too since I’m all for banging on about how it’s better to take a punt and get out there than just whine about the let downs etc. Still, trying not to chase the rainbow is one thing, my current lethargy is entirely different. It’s not that I’m switching off from commitment any more but rather I’m now waiting to be switched on. Okay so what’s so special about me then huh? How conceited do I sound? But hey, like some of you haven’t asked this question yourselves right?
Anyway, I think Sammie’s nailed it.
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By Bastian Dash
Read about his adventures on TBW xtra on your personal home page.
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