Ask Lucy – Post-break Up Bad Advice, How to Understand Love & Being “Just Friends”
Our resident dating expert Lucy Jones is tackling some of Toyboy Warehouse’s top relationship questions. Enlighten your dating experiences with Lucy’s unique take on everything from love, lust to romance.
How Do You Know If You Like Someone Romantically
If you want to know if you genuinely like someone, understanding how you feel when you don’t spend time together is just as important as how you feel when you do.
The feelings of delight and happiness you have when you’re in their company may suggest you have romantic feelings for that person. But, it also may be feelings of lust or a cherished friendship growing. In some instances, the lines between these may blur, especially for genders you’re attracted to.
It’s the emotions you have when you’re apart that gives you a unique insight into your genuine feelings.
For an authentic romantic connection, these moments apart are decidedly different than when you’re together. Whereas the time spent together is one of elation, the time apart is frustrating. You may find yourself more stressed or irritable without exactly knowing why. A longing for someone can be simultaneously strong and hidden.
Try and catch yourself during those moments of irritability and ask yourself, why am I feeling like this? Ask yourself if something has happened during your day to make you feel like this or if there’s no clear reason? Think about that person, do those feelings of frustration wane or stay the same? Try organising some time to spend with that person, has the anticipation of seeing that person made your day better?
Missing someone is an important feeling. It’s noticeably different than feelings of lust over someone or a desire to be with a friend. This feeling of missing someone is equal parts horrible and wonderful. Horrible in that it almost hurts to be apart from them, but wonderful in the anticipation of joy you’ll feel when you’re together. Ask yourself if you’re feeling this way, it may be obvious, it may be deep-seated. Either way, if you catch yourself having those emotions, chances are you like that person romantically. Go get ‘em, tiger!
The Least Helpful Things To Say To Someone Who’s Going Through A Breakup.
The adage that ‘time heals all wounds’ has some truth to it. If you’re hurting from a break up now, in enough time that hurt will fade away. But, relying on the ‘just give it time’ recommendation may do more harm than good.
Overcoming difficult periods of lives is a positive and arguably essential experience. We deal with trauma in different ways, but it’s by accepting the hurt, coming to terms with it and learning from the experience, we become stronger.
Break ups are no different. They’re not fun but it’s by acquiring closure do we move on. The experience may have hurt us but we come out the other side learning a great deal about who we are and what we want.
By ignoring this process and letting enough time pass so you forget about it, we miss out on growing as an individual. We become destined to continue to make the same mistakes and end up in the same situation.
Time can heal all wounds, but it’s through acceptance and learning from the trauma that we can become stronger.
How To Remain Friends With Someone You’re In Love With But Doesn’t Feel The Same Way
Trying to stay friends with someone you truly love in most cases isn’t going to work. It’s a hard truth, but if it’s genuine love, it’s separation is necessary to move on. You can’t be friends with someone you can’t see.
If you are determined on keeping that friendship whilst trying to get over your feelings for them, the best way is to separate the person from the personality.
Trying to deny your feelings isn’t going to work, you need to acknowledge what exactly do you love about that person. Ask yourself what qualities does this person have that makes you love them. Then realise, this person doesn’t own those traits, they are one of many people who have them. Whether it’d be their kindness, their humour, their sunny disposition – remember you will find someone with those qualities as well.
If you can accept that, it may be possible to overcome your feelings and there’s a slim chance you can remain friends. However, don’t be under the impression that this is going to be an easy road.