Okay all of you who have put your profile on some other social media network or on a dating site and found, after chatting to someone for a little while, that you’ve either been deleted or unmatched? If you have then you’ll either have that sinking feeling of pure rejection or you’ll just look at it and think ‘Okay, time to move on’.

Truth is regardless of how tough we are, there’s nothing worse than being rejected unless you’re the one doing the rejecting. It hits us hard and right in the heart. We start to question what it was we did or said wrong, to cause the uncoupling, and find ourselves going over the last few texts or messages analyzing – when the truth is they just moved on to someone else.

Its happened to me too. I was on a dating app swiping madly away when I got my match and straightaway we started to chat. The messages carried on over the next few days, then a couple of weeks then all of a sudden gone! I couldn’t figure out why and I couldn’t go back to my messages to check what I’d said either, so I was really bewildered as I’d believed we were getting on well – then it struck me. I had given him my number to call me and persuaded him to call as, I don’t know about you but I can’t be doing with messaging forever; I like to hear a person’s voice then meet soon after, otherwise what’s the point, but it was after that message that he deleted me. Obviously talking or meeting me was not part of the plan

Truth is there is never a really honest answer as to why someone would suddenly delete you unless:

1. they’re a scammer
2. they’re married (very likely)
3. they were also chatting to someone else who they preferred (very possible)

I think we can get too hung up on triviality, wasting our energy trying to work it out when quite simply it’s just human nature. The ones that are serious about meeting someone will meet and usually soon after chatting, if they get a good vibe, whilst the others that don’t are either serial daters or up to no good. The point here is not to waste your precious time – so many say in their profiles ‘life is too short’ and indeed it is.

I’ve known people perfectly healthy one minute then disabled overnight by a stroke and at one place I worked, someone didn’t come into work one morning and didn’t call in so as she was local they decided to pop round only to find that she’d dropped dead from an aneurism – so all time is precious time, don’t waste any of yours on past loves, the ones that were no good, the ones you just didn’t have any synergy with and especially those who deleted you.

We’ve become a throw away society where we can delete people at random or swipe them away to oblivion, we’ve become far more shallow, where looks count for much more than they ever used to and our requirements of the ‘perfect’ person grow by the day.

We have also become a more promiscuous society with porn available at the touch of a button. There’s no need to go into a shop, buy a magazine off the top shelf or sneak into a store having checked the surroundings before going in, getting our item and walking out again checking if there’s anyone around, our brown paper package tucked neatly under our arms. Now if we fancy a bit of naughtiness we only need to click on a website in the comfort of our own home and most of us at some point will do just that

The world is huge and it’s full of new and interesting people so why wouldn’t you want to put your efforts into meeting them? I’ve been single now for 8 years and in that time have had only short term relationships for various reasons, but I don’t dwell on them. I always look forward and remain optimistic that, one day, it will all come together, but I’m also perfectly okay with my own company so I’ll never force it either.

What works for one may not be right for another but the main thing is to remember that deletion and un-matching is never personal and you have to ask yourself , do you also worry about it as much when you’re busily deleting and un matching too? I doubt it so try remembering that, the next time it happens to you. There’s no way anyone could truly know you from a few messages, but one day someone will take the time and effort to do just that so waft the deletions away, smile to yourself and say ‘their loss’ and move on to more delicious things in life.

Take care and happy dating!!

Love Tanya x

The post Ask Tanya | ‘I’ve been deleted!’ appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

So, how are you all getting on? Christmas has been and gone and the New Year beckons, so we start to reflect on past events, look forward to new events, put our resolutions in place (which, of course, seem to only last the course of January, if indeed we make it until the end) and hope there’s someone alongside us to share them with – but if not, all is not lost.

Here are a few more of my tips for dating and relationship success:

5. ENJOY THE PRESENT

By this I’m referring to the present day not a gift; though gifts, of course, are always welcome

Over the years, I have seen friends go through breakups, meet new partners, go through breakups and meet new partners and so it goes on, but one of the things that never ceases to amaze me is how many of them are always looking too far ahead. I often hear:

‘I wonder where we’ll be in a years time?’

‘I wonder if we’ll still be together in 10 years?’

‘What if they find someone else?”

‘What if this doesn’t last and I’m on my own again!”

And so the list goes on and on and on. Not only are you boring your friends (trust me, whilst we are supportive, we don’t need him/her to be the subject every time we see you), but you’re putting undue pressure on the relationship instead of doing what you should be doing, which is enjoying it!

Very few things in our lives last a lifetime, so my philosophy has always been to enjoy the moment; because, if your mind is moving in fast forward, you could be missing some of the most memorable moments.

6. WHO PAYS?

I get asked this a lot and I have to say, I’ve also asked myself the same question – it’s a tricky one to answer, when the subject is money.

Traditionally, men always took charge of the wallet – women were taken out and the expectation was always that men paid. But if we look back, many women were unable to work or didn’t have the same earning capacity as men; there was no equality in terms of salaries and so it was only right for men to take charge of any dining and drinking costs.

However, times have changed and while there are many women earning considerable salaries, the divide still remains in many industries, where women work alongside men in the exact same job. The only difference today is no one talks about it!

There are no set rules when it comes to paying the bill – however, there still tend to be different trains of thought as to who should pick up the tab at the end of a date:

I’ve known women refuse to even consider opening their purse at the end of a date, considering it an honour for the man to have her company for the evening; women who point blank refuse to be paid for, arguing that it undermines their control and women who will quite happily go with the flow, not minding either way.

Personally, I have always offered – particularly if it’s a first meeting, as I get very embarrassed when the bill arrives. If it isn’t picked up within 30 seconds of being placed on the table, I quickly offer.

Many of my male friends say I should leave it, as the majority of men would automatically expect to pay and would be offended if a woman were to offer; but nevertheless, I always have thought it depends on the circumstances. I did go out with one gentleman who, on our second date, said he needed to get something out of the way; he would always expect to pay for the lady, so anything we did together he would pay, as that was how he’d been raised and hoped that I was okay with it. Was I okay with it? Absolutely! Contrary to the belief that all women are ‘takers’, I have on occasion been the one taken from, having offered to pay and the man accepting!

As a rule of thumb, if I have been invited out to dinner and if a man offers to pay, I’m happy to accept as he offered the invite. If I invite someone to dinner then I would offer and if it is our first meeting, I would offer to split the bill.

Now I cannot tell you what you should and shouldn’t do, I can only tell you of my thoughts and experiences so please don’t get into any restaurant arguments because of me! Haha, play nicely!

7. DRINKING

We all, or most of us, like a tipple and when it’s our first time dating our nerves can kick in, so we reach for the glass of wine to help calm us down but before we know it, a bottle has gone and we’re talking gibberish at best or embarrassing ourselves and our date at worst.

Ladies and gents, keep the levels down if you’re serious about dating and actually want to get to know the person sitting opposite. For me, there’s nothing worse than trying to have an intelligent conversation with someone who’s slurring or coming out with a string of innuendos.

I had a date once who was charming, he looked great, smelled great and I honestly thought I was in for a treat, an evening of looking into sexy eyes all the time wondering how I’d love to kiss those lips. We’d chatted on the phone numerous times, laughed, discussed world news and debated issues so I was really looking forward to the date.

He ordered the wine, we chatted and I sipped but noticed he took huge swallows from his glass and was forever topping up and by the time he ordered the second bottle, I had still only had a glass and half – most of still sitting in my glass! Consequently, he started to slur, make comments about how my dress fitted, how he’d often thought what I’d look like without the dress on and all those lovely images and thoughts I’d built up in my head were now being washed away with every word he said.

No longer did I see the charming, intelligent person I’d been speaking to every day, but a drunken, loud and problematic man and I so desperately wanted my evening to end so I could go home. When he almost fell when handed his coat my mind was made up – this was not someone for me. If he drank like this on a date, then how much did he drink on a regular basis?

I had no problem with someone enjoying a drink or even getting a little giggly, but this was a different matter and all I could see were problems ahead so needless to say I never saw him again – though he did apologise and put it down to nerves, but I didn’t want to take the chance.

So, if you really want to be seen in your best light, take it easy. A drink does help calm the nerves, but too many and your inhibitions fly out the window and you could miss the most exciting person in your life.

8. SEX?

There are no hard and fast rules as to when you should cross that line. In my last relationship, I sat for hours talking to my partner and we ended up in bed that night and stayed together for 7 years.  In another relationship we didn’t sleep together for weeks, so to be honest there are no rules and it just comes down to personal preference and how you feel at the time.

We’re all old enough and big enough to know our own minds and know how it may or may not affect things going forward. Nothing can beat chemistry between two people so whether you are happy with a possible one night stand or see it as the start of something great, you have to let her head rule on this one and read the signs.

Yes there are serial daters who date in the hope that every date will end in sex, there are those who prefer things to build up before it gets intimate and those that do have sex on the first proper date, but see more than just a one night stand (like me), but it is individual taste.

I am no judge and do not expect to be judged so don’t feel you can’t go with your emotions, but at the same time don’t ever feel pressured. It is your body, your mind and your control – only you can make the decision about any of it.

Happy New Year and happy dating!

Love Tanya x

The post Ask Tanya | Tips & Tricks: Dating Online… (Part 2) appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

Tips For Dating Success

I don’t doubt you’ll see time and time again tips to aid in the dating game, for finding and keeping that perfect partner and each time you’ll look back and think what a load of rubbish – or you might even think they were bloody good! So to add to all of those that have been and gone and to those yet to surface, here are a few of mine to start with – more to follow over the next couple of weeks, so stay tuned!

1. TIMING

When I talk about timing I’m not referring to the time you turn up for your date or indeed when you’re about to orgasm (although there’s another tricky one to answer haha!), no the timing I’m talking about is in your life. The time you take before you even enter the dating game.

Whether you’re a first timer, a divorcee getting back into the saddle (after god knows how many years of marriage), or are trying to find that element of trust in someone again, you should always take time to reflect and decide.

By that I mean not rushing into anything. I’ve known so many people who have been in a long term relationship and suddenly after many years waking up to the same person every day, feeling comfortable with life, have suddenly found themselves alone.

The routine they’d known for so many years now out of the window and the realization this is the way it’s going to be hits hard, though very dependent on circumstance, of course, but the worse thing you can do is hop straight into another relationship.

Most notably, men have a higher percentage rate for climbing straight into another relationship, along with women who have always relied upon other halves or those with children still at school. If we have been happy and content with sharing our lives, the disruption of that ideal can subconsciously have us seeking the next person to fill the void and, all too soon, the realization kicks in of jumping straight out of the frying pan and into the fire, proven also by the high level of second divorces!

When I divorced, I felt exactly the same. I’d married straight from home, hadn’t known a life without family or a husband and without really seeing it, I found myself looking at every man as a potential mate whenever I was out. We tend to crave what we’re missing and when it doesn’t materialise, we start to question ourselves; our looks, our ways, but it isn’t about any of that, it’s about getting back to being you.

I took a long hard look at everything and decided yes I could survive, yes I could build a home for one, yes I could change light bulbs and yes I could make important decisions. I also realized what I craved was the comfort, the closeness and I felt the only way I could feel that again was with a man, but actually, in truth, when I looked at it, I could get just as much comfort with my friends and family – knowing that made me stronger

I refocused my attention on friends and family, stopped looking at every man who walked into the bar and looked friends in the eye when they spoke, rather than looking past them. All in all, I took a good couple years of just being me before I ‘fell’ into any kind of relationship and by that time I was ready – no baggage, no hang ups and able to concentrate on the person I was with and not history.

So, what I’m trying to say is take time for yourself, get back to being just you, enjoy friends and family because when you’re ready you’ll know.

2. TICK LISTS

We all have them and whilst they may not be written down, they are there in our minds. Even more so when we use dating sites, as we only have photos and a short commentary to go on.

They say never judge a book by its cover, but sadly we do and why? Because we’re human and because our instincts allow us to. If only we were all stunningly beautiful or incredibly handsome, life would be perfect. Would it really? Would we truly be happy and what happens as we age? Youth disappears? What would we be wanting then?

Keep an open mind about everyone, take the time to discover, to listen, to understand and if it then doesn’t feel right, at least you gave it some time. If I’d stuck with my tick list, I never would have married the man I did and whilst we subsequently divorced 20 years later, I wouldn’t have changed that period of my life for the things I learnt about myself and others.

I still don’t have a tick list, albeit I do know what I don’t want rather than what I do want. Even that list is small, but very relative to the way I am and veers more to personality than looks, height, job, income, car – which so many of us use, but by all accounts it’s all so shallow and whilst may get you what you want initially, long-term it may not be as rewarding.

3. BE YOURSELF AND BE HONEST!

Seems a very simple and straightforward thing, but for so many it’s the hardest thing to be. To a degree, none of us are 100% who we are when we meet someone for the first time, by nature we are hesitant, apprehensive, secretive, which is all part and parcel of protecting ourselves.

Whilst we are unlikely to divulge how often we fart in bed or the fact we prefer to lick our dinner plates clean, honesty has to be the order of the day. Be honest about questions you’re asked, though there is a rule of thumb to use as to how personal these questions should be. Divulge enough to give a broad impression as to the type of person you are and how you could fit in with them, but being asked or being told they have toilet issues is really not what I mean, nor indeed is the fact your fertility years are waning and you need a father for your children fast!

Honesty also applies as to what you expect to come out of a relationship. If you’re not looking for anything serious and just companionship say so, if you’re looking for a one night stand, be clear or if it’s a long term relationship which may lead to marriage, make sure its what they’re after too. It’s no good looking for marriage material and then meeting someone who only wants sex, because no matter how hard you try, you probably will never change their mind!

I sometimes look at profiles on Toyboy Warehouse as to their honesty, but I find it a little confusing when they list ‘a relationship’ but also list ‘a fling’. Be clear so others can be too, though dating profiles and what we say are a whole different ball game and one we’ll cover another day haha!

4. BE KIND

By this I mean be kind to yourself. Love what and who you are. Don’t become a harsh critic of yourself, because you’re heavier than you should be, you’re not pretty, you’re not as intelligent as your friends, you didn’t go to university or you’ve got children. If you put barriers up, it’s going to be hard for the other person to bring them down. If you don’t like yourself, how do you expect someone else to?

We give out vibes when we meet people, our aura surrounds us, we emit messages. If you think you’re too fat for example, subconsciously you’ll be rounding your shoulders, folding your arms, trying to curl up hoping they won’t notice, but by doing these things you probably draw more attention.

If you stand tall, walk confidently, the first thing your date will see is you, your smile and the way you hold yourself as the confident person you are. If you’re not happy with your shape, you can change it, but always only do it for yourself. If you are, stand proud, and show the world who you are.

When you get up in the morning, look in that mirror and say good morning. Say hello to yourself, smile at yourself and you’ll be amazed at how much better you feel and what a difference it makes when you walk out of the door. How many times does a dating advert say ‘looking for someone who is happy with themselves’. Be happy, then those around you are happy, be miserable and those around will walk away. Be you and be true.

–

Look out for more tips coming soon, but if these do fall into your ‘rubbish’ bin then have fun reading anyway haha!!

Take care and happy dating!!

Love Tanya x

The post Ask Tanya | Tips & Tricks: Dating Online… appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

The idea of a dating site is to meet new and interesting people, which will hopefully then lead to the one you really want – but how do you let down the ones that are interested in you when you’re not interested in them?

Its never an easy thing to do, unless you’re a cold and callous person who doesn’t care about other people’s feelings, or you’re just not used to dealing with any upfront honesty for fear of being seen as nasty and untouchable. Unfortunately, its something all of us male and females will have to deal with at some point in our lives and actually, a dating site means you don’t even have to do it face to face – which in theory should make it a darn sight easier, but in effect it makes no difference!

The thing I’ve found is it all depends when the connection and disconnections are made so in effect, how long have you been conversing before you realise it isn’t what you want anymore? If it’s the first message you can always say:

• I’m already talking to someone
• I’m looking for someone older/younger
• I’m not looking to date at the moment though my profile is still live
• I’m pleased you’ve contacted me but I don’t see we’ll have anything in common
• You’re too far away
• You look lovely but not really my type

I have tried various dating sites over the years and at first I would just chat using their messaging service, because you can ask a fair few questions before you decide to actually meet – though I’ve noticed today it’s seems preferable to meet sooner rather than later and make the inevitable decision in most cases, quicker.

We are all adults, we have to accept that regardless of what we may feel it may not be mutual and this all comes down to chemistry, for which we have no control whatsoever. When I first adopted the online dating scene, I was so excited, I truly believed that if I ‘favourited’ someone, they would also favourite me or if I took the first step to message them they would without doubt message me back, but in reality it doesn’t always happen as you want it to.

For centuries couples have been thrown together where one likes one but the other doesn’t and for the sake of the family go along with it, with divorce being a word never mentioned. They suffered in silence, settled for second best with someone they may have cared about as a friend, but desperate inside to be with someone they actually loved, knowing it was probably unlikely to happen. Thankfully today we have choices, though I do think maybe those choices have become so flexible, no one puts in as much effort anymore

We live in a disposable world where, at the swipe of the hand, we can say no to whoever we want and move on to the next. We no longer have to pluck up the nerve to walk up to someone and start chatting in a bar if we don’t want to, we no longer have to spend days or weeks wondering how we’re going to tell someone we no longer love them because we have text and email, we no longer have to bear those long silences not knowing what to talk about on a first date, because we can find out before we meet.

I for one miss those halcyon days when eyes met, when you tried to maneuver yourself around your friends so you were looking in their direction, when you made your move to the ladies as soon as you saw him head that way just so you could ’accidentally’ bump into him. Now we meet online and we can dump online, but there are ways of doing it

The one thing I prefer, as I’m sure most of you do, is pure and simply be honest. Remember, not only are you wasting your time if there’s no longer any interest, but also you’re wasting theirs. Life is far too precious to spend time doing something you really don’t want to or spending time talking to someone that you’ve completely lost interest in and if you’re on a dating website, then you should be prepared for that or don’t bother signing up! It’s as simple as that.

Personally, if you’ve exchanged a fair few messages over a few days or weeks even, they deserve some respect and should be told if you no longer feel same. I don’t think there’s anything worse than just cutting everything dead by simply not responding or worse, being rude if you do!

I once chatted to a guy for a few weeks online and on the phone – we seemed to really gel, so we decided it was time to meet. Now I generally say to anyone I’m meeting, lets not raise the ‘so do you fancy me’ or ‘do you fancy meeting up again’ until after the meeting as that way no one gets embarrassed or feels humiliated and, ladies and gentlemen, don’t agree to a long evening meal if you’re not sure, as it makes it very difficult when it comes to paying the bill!

I think you kind of know the minute you meet if there’s likely to be any spark and when I met this guy I knew instantly there wasn’t but I had coffee, chatted then left after around an hour which I felt was reasonable enough time to see if I was right. I walked away, reflected back on the meeting and decided. If I don’t feel anything, there’s absolutely nothing I can do, so I politely say thank you for all the conversations but I didn’t feel any chemistry between us and if you’re both adult enough, that should be all it takes.

Unfortunately, there are some who feel they have a right over you once they’ve given you time and with those, sometimes you can’t help but be a little rude. I had same situation as above but when I told him I didn’t see things going any further and hoped he would find what he was looking for, he gave me the worst mouthful ever about leading him on, taking his time, being a player, then to top it all he told me I was out of his league anyway!

Now guys, there’s nothing more unappealing than a sore loser. I never ever make it personal, as generally it isn’t, but to come back at a woman with such venom was not very nice. The best thing to do in any situation where interest has faded is look at it as if it were you. What would you expect from them?

The best thing that I hear time and time again is ‘treat others as you’d like to be treated yourself’ and if you bear that in mind, you can’t go far wrong, but it’s a cowards way out if you just stop responding or block someone so, ladies and gentleman, its better to leave a good impression rather than a bad one so if any of you are like that, its time to grow up and face up!

Happy hunting!

Love Tanya x

The post Ask Tanya | ‘I’m just not interested anymore…’ appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve taken time to look over many online dating profiles, to see what the guys are looking for (just as much as the women) and I’ve been surprised by some, which I thought I’d share with you

We’ve discussed a number of aspects in terms of age-gap dating over the months, but never really looked at the differences as to what people want to get out of this type of relationship, so I’ve decided to list down the types of profiles I’ve seen to date.

Money, money, money

I came across a couple of profiles with men looking for an older, wealthy or comfortable lady to spoil them and, in return for this, they will make sure she ‘smiles’ every day – a mild variation on prostitution maybe?

I don’t doubt that in many relationships there is always one half that tends to spoil more than the other, but clearly stating a money requirement changes the dynamics of actually dating. Whilst it’s not my scene, with sugar daddy dating sites available for younger women, is it really that bad if the two adults involved are happy with the arrangement?

Bucket list

Yes, we all know there is an ongoing trend for younger guys to gain everything they can from an older, more experienced woman when it comes (pardon the pun) between the sheets. However, whilst I would always stand by the fact that as a mature woman myself, I have considerably more confidence and experience than I had at 25, there’s no denying for a number of women it would actually be the reverse!

In my younger days we never had the openness of the internet where you can browse, watch and listen to be educated in the realms of great sex. Oh god no, there was nothing available except for the ‘top shelf’ in newsagents primarily aimed at men until video and DVD came along.

Undoubtedly, many men in search of an older woman are here to gain more experience and I actually salute those who are honest enough to say so, rather than wrap it up in some fluffy word laden way to sound sincere in their actions.

Desperation

It would also appear that many men believe as we are older, we are in fact desperate and we should think ourselves lucky or be flattered that a strong, muscular, young body is showing interest.

Guys, guys, guys it is YOU who should think yourself lucky! You that should be thankful we give you the time. You that should have a little more respect for a lady and you that needs to get out more! Let’s be honest here for both sides.

Yes, young muscular bodies are lovely to look at, but for many women if it’s not attached to a brain or someone with some knowledge of how to please a lady it’s a definite no go for many. Also, whilst some women may be happy to spend the time showing you ‘how it’s done’, others would be bored so think carefully when you say ‘I’ll be the best you’ve ever had’ because truth is you probably aren’t and never will be. Respect is earned, so earn it!

Domination

This is the one I liked the most and one that intrigues me the most. Over my years of dating younger men, the one thing that I’ve noticed happening more and more is the need for domination by an older woman. In a world where men are supposedly more macho than ever, it’s interesting to see that behind the façade are men who want to be used, ordered around and abused for pure satisfaction; particularly younger men.

As a woman who keeps a very open mind on sexual fantasy and desire, I don’t find this disturbing, I find it quite liberating that men are not afraid to admit what a turn on it is. I’ve met women who will say they want a man that takes control and not the other way round and that’s fine, no one should be pushed into something they’re not comfortable with, but for those that embrace it, it can actually be fun!

Dick pics

What is it with dicks? Why do men just love showing off their dicks??

I’ve got talking to guys in the past, then we get to the Whatsapp stage and it’s as if you’ve given them free reign as I start receiving dick pics? What is that all about?

Whilst you won’t see any of these on the actual site, there are those who do push it as far as they can without getting deleted, but for me I’ve always been a great believer that what I can’t see is what I want to see. In other words, I want to find out and explore. I don’t want it pushed in my face before I’ve even decided whether or not to chat or date and instead of it enticing me in, it leads me to move away.

It’s the same with men that wear tight jeans showing their bulge. If I’m with someone I don’t want everyone seeing what I’m getting in the bedroom and if a guy is like that on a public website, he’s already telling everyone what he wants and doesn’t care where it comes from.

Scammers

We all know they exist and we all know they’re out there and thankfully a couple have been caught out on here, hopefully before they caused any heartache. These are sad, desperate, nasty people who frequent dating websites in an attempt to find some unlucky lady who will be taken in by their gentle words, sweet talk and eventually give way to sending some money, because in this age of internet banking they can’t seem to find a way of getting money to someone? Err wake up, this is the 21st century, even on ships and working in the Gulf, internet exists. I have nothing but contempt for these people and sadness for those drawn in by the lies.

Truly, madly, deeply

There’s only one profile type I could finish with and they’re the out and out honest ones, who truly enjoy the company of older women and really do want to find love and settle down. They’re hard to find amongst all the others mentioned above, but they do exist and once there, can be some of the most amazing people. Just ask a few more questions, dig a little deeper, talk a little longer and you’ll know.

So just a roundup but if there’s any I missed, do please let me know.

In the meantime, whatever path you choose, make sure it’s the one you enjoy!

Love

Tanya x

The post Ask Tanya | True or False: Dating Profiles appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

Okay, lets be honest here: what’s the first thing that runs through your mind when you meet someone? Is it ‘I wonder if he can cook?’ or ‘I wonder if he likes gardening?’ Of course it bloody well isn’t, everyone of us is guilty of looking at our dates and wondering:

1. What they look like with their clothes off
2. How big he is
3. How big her breasts are (unless they’re already on view of course)
4. How long before we get to bed

We are human, we have natural animal instincts; the man is a predator, the women prey – though that can also be reversed. Either way, our sexual instincts kick in when we see someone we really fancy regardless of whether it’s a quick fling or the start of a long romance. Don’t feel guilty for having those feelings, we all do but how we manage them is what makes the difference

I recently met a young guy; we’d spent a lovely day together and were staying at the same place. Yes, I did think exactly what I’ve just mentioned, but I also hoped that he wouldn’t suddenly pounce on me the minute we got near either his or my room because for me the thoughts are in my head, but in reality I still want to be treated as a lady. I still want to be respected for who I am and not seen merely as a way of filling time and satisfying a quick urge. 

At my age, I feel I have earned the right to be respected and earned the right to decide how, and if, I develop anything further. Had it been 20 years ago maybe my hormones would have reacted in a very different way, but now it isn’t about that, it’s about me, the whole package. That’s not to say I’m a nun, far from it, but for me there is a time and place and a way of getting there. Suffice to say had he pounced, I would have been put off straight away and my early opinions of him as a gentleman would have vanished and been replaced by thoughts of a Neanderthal waste of space! Him not pouncing elevated his status to me and actually made me want to get to know him better. I wanted to know more about how he ticked, I didn’t suddenly think he didn’t fancy me – I knew he did inside, but he thought the same as me, if it had been the other way round and I’d made the move on him, his impression of me would have gone out of the window.

I enjoy sex as much as anyone else does, but being an older woman I have to contend with what nature throws upon me that most men, and certainly the younger ones, have little or no idea about or indeed how to deal with it. Stupid things like menopause, which arrives with very little warning and sets out to attack everything you’ve enjoyed like an amazingly high libido, which was the greatest shock albeit temporary. At one point, I wondered whether I had any hormones left, but actually all that had happened is that they took a short vacation and came back all refreshed and ready for action!

What I did notice as I got older though was how my energy and desire for sex changed and talking to many other women this is not uncommon. We talked previously about the strength of women and their attitudes to sex and demands in the bedroom in terms of control, but its not just about control.

Men and women are more open to things now that 30-years ago would be deemed freaky or just not normal for most people, but due to more and more exposure on the internet we have access to information and graphic pictures to help that curiosity is aroused even more. So when does it become freaky or weird and who determines if it is or not? No one has a right to judge anyone if it’s between consenting adults and I say what’s wrong with a little bondage if you enjoy it, it’s all role play.

Many couples love ‘golden showers’ and while it may not be for everyone, there are others who relish the pressure and the warmth it creates. For women, having it aimed at their clitoris can have a very stimulating effect and for men the sheer idea of a woman standing over them and peeing, taking control is energizing. Admittedly it’s not for everyone, but then we are not all the same and if we were, life would be boring 

Oral too, whilst more common, it is not to everyone’s taste. There are givers and there are receivers, though in my experience women tend to give a lot more than men do – sorry guys, but usually that’s the case, though I do accept there are men who absolutely love giving and won’t stop until she orgasms, to those men I applaud you. What men want most women want too and the more two-way the better the experience.

The key thing here is to enjoy what suits you and your partner and to never stop discovering and finding out. I am happy to go into more detail on anything raised, so do please drop me a line if you’d like me to focus on anything in particular

In the meantime please send me your questions, I’m feeling lonely here!

Enjoy!

Tanya x

The post Ask Tanya | Holy or Horny? appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

For years there’s always been debate around the ‘three date rule’, before actually going to bed with someone. But times change, people change and what was then, isn’t necessarily now!

There have always been double standards – if a man goes around sleeping with as many women as he can manage, he’s considered a real stud by his friends; but should a woman participate in the same sexual freedom, she is deemed a slag. So guys, you wonder why many of us keep you on the back burner? Well, generally it’s because you make us!

Times and attitudes have changed, women are more in control of their sexual freedom than any time in the last century. We know what we want, when we want it and how we want it, which I have had men tell me scares the crap out of them!

We are no longer willing to lay back and think of England, we are more likely to make you lay back and take control of the situation. We are liberated women, prepared to make our choices and make them vocal. Admittedly, this doesn’t apply to everyone but predominantly we are stronger and more confident with each passing decade

Like most women of my generation, we lived at home until we went to university or college, we met a man, we dated, we fell in love and we got married. We didn’t live together, it was a common thing to do and I can still hear my parents telling me that couples that did were ‘living in sin’. That’s not to say they were staunch churchgoers, it was just how it was and I followed the norm.

I didn’t date a great deal, though my dating was probably restricted to one ‘serious’ type relationship at 14/15 which lasted 8 months though no sex ever took place in any way whatsoever. I was obviously underage anyway but whilst it entered his mind it certainly didn’t mine! When I married he was only the second man in my life so any physical connection I had was with him. I felt safe and secure and that was important

By the time I divorced, whilst I was no longer naïve about life, I certainly was sexually and it took me a year to even believe I was single and actually date someone. What I realised as time went on was how much I wanted to explore and meeting my next serious relationship, the three date rule never came into play. I knew I wanted him and I knew he wanted me so effectively I decided that, as we’d been communicating for a couple of weeks (I was introduced via a friend), to hell with the rule because I was climbing the walls!

That night I had the most amazing sex ever and fortunately I was lucky that it continued for the 7 years we were together. He opened my eyes, he helped me lose inhibitions and he allowed me to explore my ‘side’, but he was also fortunate to have met me when my self-confidence was growing.

Finding me took years, where today young women are finding themselves much earlier. Though my concern is that too much is considered the norm these days and pressure is put upon women, who are not strong enough to say no.

More mature women on the other hand ARE strong enough to control situations, to let it run at their pace, to do what they want to rather than feel they have to. As a consequence, I find many younger men love the control and dominance of an older woman, which by all accounts suits me perfectly haha!

The level of dominance, of course, depends on the people involved but of the men I’ve discussed this with it seems with younger girls they find it very easy to be the dominant one, but with older women they are drawn in by the confidence and strength, and will quite happily follow their lead.

Dominance can vary from a little control with just directive orders, to full-blown sub/dom clothing, shackles, masks etc. Some people would think this a little freaky, but in all fairness who are we to judge what suits? Just because its not something we would venture into, doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong.

With sexual freedom brings the right to be experimental, whatever that encompasses, and as long as it doesn’t over step boundaries of legality, what does it matter? Sex between two consenting adults is what freedom is all about. It’s about making that connection, although I wouldn’t raise the subject on your first date, it might be a little intimidating until you’re sure of what your potential partner is into.

This goes back to one of my earlier comments about watching, listening and talking because by doing this you get to know your partner well, which will give you an indication as to how far things can go. Communication is always key whatever you want to do but always remember everyone has a right to say NO.

Domination can be fun but also hugely satisfying for both parties. For the dominant one, the idea of controlling someone’s actions and allowing their own gratification as ordered is a huge turn on and for the submissive, being ordered and controlled and even held back can heighten sexual tension and add to any eventual orgasm which may be forthcoming.

For many men the sheer desire to please is overwhelming as this goes against the grain, where men have generally held the upper hand. Women in turn are enjoying the more dominant role and some believe they are getting back what they truly deserve.

Domination for women can also help overcome any inhibitions when it comes to telling a partner how they want to be kissed, licked etc., as whilst they may find it intimidating, looking into the eye of their partner, telling a submissive is totally different and covers up any fears. Telling a submissive what and how you want them to do something means you finally get the pleasure in the way you’ve been wanting for ages, but daren’t say and many submissive are more than happy to please you!

Role play can be very pleasurable for many who indulge and I’m very much of the ‘don’t knock it until you’ve tried it’ tribe, as you never know what it can enhance and bring out for your own enjoyment as well as your partner. Don’t be shy to experiment but take it slowly, that way you get to feel the true pleasure of what you do, rather than anything rushed

I am only giving you an insight, but happy to discuss in greater detail if any of you would like to or use me as a soundboard. But in the meantime, remember playtime is me time.

Have fun!!

Tanya x

The post Ask Tanya | Are Women More In Control? appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

Over the years I have heard and experienced the breakup of many friends and colleagues. When asked the reasons why – aside from the usual compatibility or ‘growing apart’ issues; at some point sex has played a part. Reasons range from partners going off sex, unable to keep up with his demands, to just becoming bored in bed!

Admittedly, the ratio of men to women complaining about this leans more heavily towards men. Not necessarily that women don’t agree but because we are perhaps a little more accepting and less likely to air those views.

However, considering one of the reasons men (I say one before you all have a go at me) are generally attracted to older women is down to experience, confidence and knowledge across a spectrum of subjects, one of which happens to be sex could in fact come across as a little contradictory I think?

But it does raise a few questions:

‘Is the older woman better in the bedroom than her younger peers?’

‘Is she more knowledgeable and experienced where matters of the genitals are involved?’

‘Does she want a younger man just for the energy and stamina?’

Who the hell knows?!

I can hardly speak for all the more mature ladies out there, neither can I compare to the younger women of today. What I can say, in my experience, is that because of our confidence and life experience we inevitably will have gained an assurance of ourselves, which in turn equates to confidence in the bedroom.

That’s not to say we have tried every athletic position in the Karma Sutra (though I’m still trying LOL), nor that we have learned everything there is to know and are experts in the field. It means we have reached a stage in our lives where we are happy with ourselves and no longer feel we have to prove anything.

We are still learning, I am still learning and great sex isn’t just down to knowing all the positions off by heart or just being attentive to our lover with 5 minutes of oral before you can then expect 30 minutes back. It is about watching, listening and feeling. Understanding how our partners tick, what turns them on the most, how fast or slow, how hard or soft and what route to take to have the best orgasm ever.

None of this is taught and yes we might read a few books, watch a bit of porn here and there – or lots for some of us haha! Predominantly, great sex happens when both people connect, communicate and share. It isn’t about how many different things you do, or how extreme you go, it’s about what works for the two of you.

It doesn’t come down to the size of your penis or your age. I know couples that have great ‘straight’ sex and other couples who have great ‘extreme’ sex.

What makes a great lover is how you interact with your partner and you are only as great as the person you’re with. But, one thing that does come with maturity is that we have got to that stage in our lives where bringing pleasure doesn’t just derive from playing around with each others genitals, it comes from the understanding of that person’s body, how it feels from head to toe and how it reacts to our touch.

Youth comes with stamina and energy so generally based on quantity rather than quality because hormones are all over the place and constantly on edge and active, where as maturity brings more control over our bodies needs and consequently more based on quality over quantity.

Connect those two and what do you get? A sizzling combination!

Enjoy!!

Love Tanya xx

Over the course of the next few weeks, I will be going into the subject of sex in more detail, covering positions, different kinds of sex ie oral, anal etc. If you have any questions about anything, please do let me know. Your name will never be used in any article, only the question raised and I’ll do my best to answer. But please remember this is from my viewpoint, there is no right and wrong, it’s what suits you but I hope I can at least dispel a few myths or enlighten you.

I will also be attending the event night in London on 31st March at Mahiki so please feel free to come and find me to chat or discuss anything you like. I’m not shy and nothing shocks me so ladies and gents please do come over

Hope to see you there

The post Ask Tanya | No sex please, We’re old. appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

Are there do’s and don’t s when it comes to the first date for either man or woman and does it make any difference when it comes to age difference?

Having been asked this question by one of the members, I had to give this some thought as whilst I’ve had first dates I’d never re visit, it was generally because the spark just wasn’t there and nothing to do with who they were, what they did etc. However when I began to look back, I remembered occasions when I sat there and thought ‘what the……….!!’

On any first date, I never agree to dinner or anything in the evening, purely a personal thing but the way I see it is that if it isn’t working I don’t want to feel obliged to prolong the time spent together just because he’s paying for dinner. As a woman with a conscience I would never use a man as a means to get out for the evening and get something decent to eat or drink though I know many that have and still do!!

Someone I know frequents the dating sites having been a member on pretty much most of them, to find not just a relationship but dates! She’s unemployed, believes she deserves what her other friends have which is marriage to husbands who don’t require them to work and that any man should always pay and if they don’t she just simply refuses to stomp up any cash!! We have had many a debate as to the rights and wrongs of this to the point I gave up trying to get her to see another point of view but sometimes it isn’t worth wasting breath on someone who will always only ever have one opinion!

Personally, whilst I think it’s the gentlemanly thing to do I don’t expect it. I am happy to pay my way though I guess this would come down to the circumstances. My rule is that if I meet someone for the first time for coffee or lunch, I will offer to pay my way as it’s a mutual agreement to meet. If it’s going okay and he invites me to dinner then I would probably assume he will pay with it being an invite but I would probably offer to pay for the pre dinner drinks out of respect and courtesy. If he refuses to let me pay for anything then I accept the offer graciously

There are more gentlemen out there than we give credit who are more than happy to treat a lady as a lady but we should never take it for granted though I do recall on one occasion I met someone for coffee and he paid for the two coffees. We then decided to take a walk through the town and after a while he suggested we had lunch in one of the quaint little tea rooms. When the bill arrived he passed it to me and said ‘I bought the coffees so you can buy lunch!” Needless to say I didn’t see him again

So depending on whether we may or may not have decided on paying etiquette, how do we prepare for that first important date?

Generally I tend to go for something simple and casual in the way of attire but gentlemen please do remember that most women will by now have attained a certain style and whether its coffee, lunch or dinner will usually make an effort to look casually cool and elegant so if you’re planning to turn up in your painting jeans and the jumper you picked up off the floor, don’t be surprised if she gets up and walks away. If someone didn’t make some effort on the first date, I would be wondering what other areas he didn’t place any effort and I’m sure you know exactly what I mean!

For some younger men the idea of meeting an older woman for the first time can be daunting so if you are one of those men who worry you will feel intimidated or say the wrong thing then spend time getting to know her on the phone first. Most older women may have the confidence gained from experience of life but we are not all the same and never forget that underneath our cool, calm exterior we are still women

If you take the time to get to know someone on the phone, by the time you get to the first date stage, you’ll be quite familiar with each other and have gained at least some knowledge so everything should go a lot smoother. However there is still the hurdle of that old thing called chemistry but as we can do nothing about it you can at least be sure that first impressions count. Whilst I don’t think you men should look at it as an interview, you should give it the same amount of thought and effort

Also think about manners. One guy I met burped really loudly and made no apology for it at all, which is a definite no no. Not only did it leave a pungent aroma, embarrassingly people looked around and we were suddenly cast into the limelight! At the end of the day despite what most women may come across as, we do like a gentlemen to treat us as ladies, we like the door being opened, we like the ‘ladies first’ rule, we like being sat to face the restaurant rather than having our backs to it, we like men that walk on the outside of the pavement to protect us, we like what it portrays

Whilst gentlemen in their true sense seem to be a dying breed, if you want to make any impression at all then don’t come across as an egotistical, self absorbed know it all who think women should hang on their every word and be thankful some young stud has taken the time to meet them in the first place! We may look calm sitting there but inside we’re boiling and at any point we will tell you precisely what a jerk you really are

Treat a woman the same way you’d treat yourself. Be open and honest, enjoy humour (and that doesn’t necessarily mean the jokes you share with your footballing mates!). Ask her questions about herself , remember dates are two way so don’t take over and most of all, breathe.

Think about where you meet. Even if its only for a coffee, picking the busiest Starbucks is not going to be condusive to talking and getting to know each other if you’re forever straining your ears to hear what she is actually saying!! It might be great to meet the lads there but we are not one of your mates!

We might be older and hopefully wiser, we might be confident and hopefully knowledgeable, we might be cool and hopefully elegant but we might also be shy and timid underneath with just as many nerves meeting you as you have meeting us. We are all human underneath so treat us as such as we will you

Enjoy dinner!!

Love Tanya x

The post Ask Tanya | Dating Etiquette appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

Remember when first dates came from chatting to someone you’d met in a bar, club or even bumped into down the supermarket and you arranged to meet for the evening? Oh life was so simple then because although the follow up date may have given you butterflies, at least you partly knew what you were letting yourself in for.

These days the whole dating scene has changed. We rarely meet people in the old traditional way unless we meet them at a party or introduced to by friends, nowadays it all comes down to profiles and photos with the dating scene becoming almost disposable, so how on earth do we really ensure we meet the right kind of person?

The dating scene has been turned on its head!

We used to meet someone when our eyes met across a crowded room, the attraction was instant, chemistry followed as we spent time getting to really understand what makes them tick, where they were raised, likes and dislikes and so on. Today because of our busy lives, we spend time to getting to know someone before we meet face to face and when we do we realize there’s no spark or chemistry and end up feeling really disappointed.

Truth is it’s all about expectation and how we deal with them.

I remember when I divorced, the mere thought of dating terrified the living daylights out of me, so much so that as I’ve mentioned in my early column, I built a barricade around me without realizing it. Then when I took my first steps into internet dating, I took everything so personally I’d end up so down and depressed, coming to the wrong conclusion that nobody wanted me, I was too fat/thin, not pretty enough, too old, in fact every insecurity you can think of I believed was the reason it hadn’t worked.

The good thing is that you do come through it and reach the other end and trust me, many women AND men go through it. That’s life.

Remember the old saying ’Beauty is in the eye of the beholder?’ This is what you have to apply with online dating and stop taking it so personal. Let me put it this way. You’ve seen the photo and like the look and their profile so you start messaging, from messaging you exchange phone numbers and start texting, from texting you start talking.

You might communicate in this way for maybe a few days or a couple of weeks after which time you arrange to actually meet. By then you’ve decided you like a lot about them and look forward to the date hoping that physically you’ll click at which point it’ll all be a bed of roses and you’ll live happily ever after. Unfortunately life is never that simple most of the time and it ruins everything.

We go on the date, we think it’s going great only to find the following day our dreams are shattered when

1. We don’t get a reply to our messages,
2. Our number has been blocked
3. They’ve deleted us!!

If there is any decency, you may be fortunate (or not depending how you look at it) to get a message along the lines of ‘I think you’re a really nice person and enjoyed our date, however I didn’t feel any chemistry’. If you do get a message like this at least they’re being honest. I’d much rather get this than be completely ignored without knowing the outcome.

This is life and look at this way, what if it was you that didn’t feel the chemistry? Would you continue something that wasn’t right? I doubt it but somehow we feel we are different and we take it all too personally and worse, we sometimes even try to analyse it! If I advise one thing for your own sanity, DON’T analyse!

Analysis creates doubt, it raises questions you normally wouldn’t consider, it creates insecurities and more importantly… it solves nothing!

Don’t get me wrong I’m human too and I can only say this to you because I did the same until I realized that human beings cannot make themselves want something or someone if their heart is not in it. Dating is meant to be fun, it is a journey of exploration and discovery, it is meeting new people, it is opening our minds, it is meant to be exciting so enjoy it and if it doesn’t work out then graciously move on with your life.

I have had a divorce and a long term relationship with people I loved, split up and on both occasions after the initial shock of the split, we remained friends. If you allow yourself to be bitter, the only one who suffers is you so why be bitter in the first place? Save your energy for moving forward, save your pride by not making a fool of yourself and save your analysis for working out your phone bill instead!

We are all beautiful to someone as they are to us and whilst we may have to kiss a lot of frogs, one day we’ll be kissing the love of our life.

Love Tanya x

The post Ask Tanya | Online Dating – Fear or Fun? appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.