Hello Ladies,
Do you fall into the Bridget Jones category? Are you single and looking for more than one night? You’re looking for that other half who will be your match until the day you die? Looking but not finding… why is that?
Often the media labels women between 30-45 to be ‘husband hunters’ this is a complete fabrication based on the myth that a woman’s biological clock really starts ticking after thirty. The truth is all women are looking for something special. Someone who’s going to make them feel like a wonderful woman. With that said, the natural desire to love and be loved is not a demonstration of desperation. Contrary to popular belief, those women openly looking for a relationship are not exclusively crazy, or willing to settle for any available William or Harry that comes along. Women of all ages from the moment they’re sixteen are looking for love even if they don’t believe it themselves. For those of you out there who know what you want: a loving committed relationship, we’ve compiled a list of overlooked areas you may not be considering in your quest for The One. This doesn’t make you obsessed, or needy, it makes you human. The fact that you might be overlooking these crucial tips confirms that we’re not all perfect, which brings us to our first point:
1.) Imperfectly Perfect
Jane Austen’s Mr Darcy was tall, dark and handsome, but the man who might be your Mr. Right could well be under five foot five, blonde or bald, with a milk bottle skin tone that burns like Aunt Bessie’s Yorkshires. Would you sit there on your honeymoon silently cursing that the man you’re lathering in factor 50 isn’t perfect?
Perfection is a myth, feeling that someone is perfect is a choice. You can choose to search for the unrealistic image the media have spoon fed you over the years, or search for what’s really out there. When you stop looking for Ryan Gosling or Christian Grey, the men out there actually turn out to be pretty decent.
As close to perfection as I think you can aim for, is a man who you can’t wait to see every day, who listens to you (and if he shuts off occasionally when your best friend’s, friend of a friend has been a bitch on facebook again… well bless him for doing his best). A man who desires you and makes you feel sexy even if there’s a birth mark on your lower boob that looks like a mars bar fell down your top. A man who treats you well is a perfect one. Not a multi billionaire, or a Calvin Klein model, not a man who’s going to singlehandedly save the world from nuclear destruction. You’re not ‘settling’ because you’re looking for someone real. Don’t let the real Mr. Right walk on by because he wasn’t the mirror image of Mr. Doesn’t-Exist.
2.) Are you actually putting yourself out there?
Now a lot of women I have met say that they’re looking for The One, but “I don’t know why, I just never meet anybody!” and 9/10 of these women seem to think that wishing to meet someone is good enough, it’s not. The scene of: I’m sitting in a coffee shop (alone because I’m deep and intensely mysterious) and He walks in and randomly there’s no other chair left but one at my table, so he joins me and it’s magical…. Yeah that’s for a Meg Ryan movie about fifteen years ago. How do you intend to meet anyone if you don’t put yourself out there?
As a single woman, you’ve already got free time on your hands. Time that otherwise would be spent with your other half. So join a fitness class rather than going to the gym alone, the two way benefit of a better body plus interaction with a group will boost your confidence, and the potential of meeting someone soars (I know this… because that’s where I met my guy J. )
It doesn’t have to be physical, review your hobbies, if you don’t have one, get one! A hobby will immediately throw you into a community separate to your friendship circle. Pottery class, join a walkers group, go to art exhibits. When you meet someone, a mutual interest will set you on the right path immediately. If all he likes is Tennis but you hate Tennis and only like photography, well that’s an immediate separation. Consider the weekends-no one wants to be with their partner 24-7, but at least on your days off some quality time is important. It’s no good being in a relationship if you’re off camping from Friday-Sunday every week while he won’t miss the football for anything.
So go places, be out there. You’re very unlikely to meet The One when you’re sat in your living room, or at the local supermarket. Be where you’re going to interact with new people, you’ll meet someone before you even realise he can’t stop looking at you from across the room.
3.) Are you invisible?
Being out there is one thing, but it’s pointless if you’re invisible to everyone. Shyness is not a weakness, but there’s a significant difference in seeming shy and looking ignorant and moody. Shy people smile! Smiling makes you approachable. Do your best to come out of your shell and talk to someone, not necessarily a man, but anyone and build your conversation skills. If you openly admit to someone that you’re shy and a bit nervous to be somewhere alone they usually adore you as a cutie and take you under their wing helping you to meet people.
Don’t hide behind your hair or camouflage yourself into the sofa wearing that old jumper that should be burnt but is so comfy. Take pride in your appearance and don’t come all that “I’m ugly, no one wants me” nonsense. You have something no one else does because we’re all unique. You are going to show what you have and someone is going to love you for it. Accentuate your best bits, whether that’s big blue eyes or a long pair of legs, maybe you have a natural curl in your hair you try to hide, embrace the curl! (Herbal Essence-I worship it). Make yourself seen. Don’t take that too literally, don’t parade yourself in an uncanny impression of a flamingo. Just be yourself, and be open and responsive when people interact with you. You’ll see a difference when people start to see you.
4.) Are you stuck in an unhappy rut?
It sounds strange, that someone in a relationship is still looking for The One, but it happens. You’re with someone, they’re the first name on your contact list, your date for New Year’s Eve, but there’s a big fat ‘what if’ hanging over you. What if I met someone else, what if we broke up…
If you’re thinking like this, walk away. Walk away right now because you’re not happy. Happy couples do not fantasize about meeting someone else. If you know the person next to you isn’t The One, for whatever reason that might be, perhaps it’s just gut feeling, then walk away. You won’t find someone else while you’re in a relationship unless you stray onto cheating territory, you don’t want to be that person.
You’re scared of being alone? You’re nervous of the unknown? Facing those fears and giving yourself another chance at love, love that you don’t question, is better than staying in a place you’re not 100% happy.
I stayed in that place for a long time, I thought the risk of losing my best friend was frightening, being on my own was frightening, so I accepted that I wasn’t with The One. I told myself that The One would come along… in a coffee shop, in a park walking the dog, and then I would end my current relationship and walk into another one. I had a stupid fantasy of some gorgeous man on a motorbike turning up and convincing me to run away with him. It’s a selfish person who thinks that way. 9/10 you are not going to even be approached by anyone when they know you’re already taken.
Eventually for myself that relationship came to an end and not by my hands, a sense of pain and self-destruction but also relief followed. I share this with you in case you are in the same place, and I ask you to walk away, don’t waste time waiting around hoping to feel something for someone that you’re not going to feel, because when it’s The One, you sure are going to know it.
5.) Are you convinced The One has come and gone?
It’s common that when you’re single and feeling lonely you look back on past relationships and only see the positives. You need to remember that if there weren’t negatives you would still be in that relationship now. If you’ve convinced yourself that The One was someone you’ve let walk away or is someone who is already taken by someone else you need to stop, right now for your benefit and theirs.
You need to accept that if it was meant to be… it would be. You need to move on. Only when you’ve accepted that what has passed has passed can you let yourself be open to the possibilities of the future. You need to stop waiting around looking over old photos or ‘silently stalking’ their profiles hoping that they’re missing you too. Chances are they’ve moved on. I promise you if they were your One and Only love, it would have worked out. The fact that it didn’t has given you a second chance. If you’re hooked on someone who is already taken, or is firmly in the friend zone and the feelings are unrequited, again you need to walk away.
6.) Coming on too strong?
You’ve gotten past the other points, you’ve met someone, you’re on date number two, the cocktails are flowing, dinner is fine, you’re in the stage of “we passed each other to the second round”, you’re laughing at his awful joke and you say “You’d make a great dad” !!! x#~ah “I mean, not to me, I have a dad, I mean to your children, not to my children, well I don’t have children, I don’t! Wait, where are you going?”
So…where did we go wrong here?
You’re still nervous, understandable. You fancy the guy, the first date was great. What you’re probably not thinking which you should remind yourself of is: He fancies you too. He would not be on a first date with you unless he fancied you. Second date means you impressed him enough that he wants to get to know you even more. That doesn’t mean he needs to know your mothers an alcoholic depressive who you have problems with, or that you sometimes dance in your pants to Taylor Swift because ‘she understands’ …no? Ok, I don’t do that either.
Don’t hold back every negative thing about yourself, even joke about some things, but don’t throw all your most personal issues onto him like a game of dog pile. Don’t talk about ex-boyfriends, ever! Unless he asks and then keep it short. Don’t mention marriage and kids. Yes you might want that, he probably does too, but not today. Marriage and kids are like saying “bomb!” on an airplane, yes it’s tempting, like swearing in church, but you just don’t do it. If you have kids already, that’s different, by all means he should already know that you have children from date number 1, they are a huge part of your life, but remember there are other areas to your life too, he wants to know about the whole package. He wants you! Not just the Mum in you.
Number 6 of these points is probably the most crucial, because you can get everything else right and then ruin it here by coming on too strong. That could mean spilling all your secrets, or jumping into bed at the first invitation. You’re not a child, you should know by now that there’s a huge difference in ‘The One’ and ‘The One-nighter’. Enjoy each other’s company, don’t scream inside your own head
HE’S THE ONE, HE’S THE ONE, OH MY GOD HE’S THE ONE!
If he is, it will progress naturally. Don’t be the weirdo who demands after date number three that he delete every female friend from his contacts list. Or ‘that girl’ who changed her profile picture to one of the two of you together (which you took, while he slept) after a week.
A woman is a wonderful thing, and we will all find The One, have no fear, but the only thing holding you back will be yourself. There’s a lot of ‘Don’ts’ but there are ‘Do’s’ as well:
- Do be yourself
- Do have some standards-never let anyone treat you as if you’re worth less than themselves because you’re prepared to stay unhappy than be alone.
- Do remember you won’t be alone for your entire life. You’re going to meet someone.
Good luck, wishing you lots of love and cups of tea
-Miss Siviter
