Friends without Benefits
As ya’ll know, The Toyboy is back in my life, as a friend.
He has heard all about the T-Rex until we were both blue in the face and patiently listened to me obsess of what this means or that means.
He’s even guided me through a tricky first few dates with a guy that I thought might give the T-Rex a run for his money (turned out the guy got all pissed off when I didn’t shag him on the second date, nice, charming really).
Here we are close to a year after we first met and we are turning into really, really good friends. But, here’s the thing, can ex Toyboy lovers become our friends? Or is there always a sexual undercurrent that will upset future girlfriends/boyfriends/lovers/partners/spouses?
While I have been trying to ignore the T-Rex (easier said than done) and his emails from Australia, The Toyboy is arguably having a much rougher time than me cause he has fallen in love. Properly, head over heels, baying at the moon in love for the first time in his life.
We’ve all been there.
You can’t concentrate on a rat fart.
Your work is a mess.
You can’t sleep.
And every song on the radio makes you want to cry or hit something, or both.
I was that way after I met Mr. Magnolia and to a certain extent the T-Rex, but you see I am on the other side now. I have fallen in love and gotten married to a man I was madly and not so wisely in love with. With the T-Rex, I have not bayed at the moon, because falling in love with him comes with the benefit of having loved deeply once before and been hurt deeply once. I see the red flags this time and I am not ignoring them.
While part of me may well be in love with the T-Rex, its from a different place than where The Toyboy is now. As his friend I can tell him lots of this, but it won’t make any difference. He has to find this place all by himself.
What place is that? Well it’s the place in your life and your heart where you finally understand that all the love in the world just isn’t enough. Oh, yeah, I hear you, yes, love and acts of love (like emptying the dishwasher without being asked because you know your partner hates doing it and realizing that she might just give you a blow job to say thank you after dinner) can fix a lot of things.
But I think there are people in this world that know how to be loved, but not how to love back. I wonder at times if the T-Rex is like that and let’s face it, at the rate we’re going (or rather not going) I doubt I will ever find out.
As I approach the tender age of 38, I am coming to believe that there are people we fall in love with that just eat up all the love we have, then ask for more. And then, like idiots, we give them more and more and more until there’s not enough love left inside to love what’s left of who we were.
I am praying to Sweet Jesus he is not about to learn that lesson and I am lookin’ at my own situation thinkin’ shit, if T-Rex does come home from this trip with a pair of freshly grown balls, is he a love thief too?
Ahem, back to my original question, can ex Toyboys become our friends? Yes, I think they can and I think we have. And yes, of course we, forgive the pun, toyed with the idea of becoming friends with benefits while all this stuff works itself out.
Hells bells, we even planned a weekend of naked Bollinger card playing naughtiness, but then I realized I had the fellas that weekend and he had his sister’s going away party. Then we tried to plan it again and we had to cancel for some other reason.
It just seemed like the universe was conspiring against us.
And yes, its probably for the better because when we are together it is happy and fun and comfortable and er, hot. Downright filthy in all kinds of ways. Given the state of our hearts at the moment, even one shag would be a bit like throwing diesel on a campfire you’re trying to put out.
Although now Friends without Benefits, him being back in my life has reminded me of all the kind and good things he did for me aside from the orgasms (dammit I wish I had done more things for him, I really do).
He has reminded me of what I should be looking for on these appalling dates since dumping Solid Boyfriend Potential. Other than chemistry, I should be looking for a man that knows how to love by what he does, like The Toyboy.
I won’t go into all of the lovely things he did (they were very simple but very thoughtful and didn’t cost a dime) but you know, even the way he dressed, like an exploded laundry basket, he challenged me to see through the clothes to the person, the man. Not the wine list. Not the designer anything.
What I didn’t realize back then was that our sex was so good because it wasn’t about anything other than, each other.
We just loved being around one another. Laughing. Making a mess together. We didn’t have to talk all the time. Silence felt good. From the first time we ever shared a bed, I could sleep next to him. He thawed me.
Neither of us planned what happened between us, it just did. I was so wrecked by what I was going through I didn’t appreciate him.
Enough.
Or at all. Wince.
I thought because it was so easy between us that it would be that easy with the next Toyboy or even, shock horror, Man that came along.
Only a year later, have I realised what we had was, well, rare.
Its not something that happens everyday.
God I can be a right moron sometimes.
But I’ll tell you what, next time I find a good man with a fully functioning set of balls, I’m not gonna fuck it up. I’m not going to take it for granted.
Was I in any condition to realize this a year ago?
Hell no.
I had a lot of healing to do. I had to go on a lot of bad dates.
He probably doesn’t realize that helped me grow up and out of my old life into this one. I don’t think I ever thanked him for that. So, thank you Cool Whip. Thank you baby.
I get it now.
And he’s still here and he is my friend and that makes me happy.
You know, I hope this woman he’s fallen in love with appreciates him.
That she doesn’t break his heart, again.
That she lets him, teach her, what he taught me.
By Ms. Magnolia
Comments