My name’s Mark Restuccia (aka The Stooch) – Stand-Up Comedian and Internet Dating Legend. I’m the most prolific Internet Dater in my weight class. I’ve been doing it for over 10 years and in that time I’ve been on over 1500 dates, some of them may have even been with you.
In that time, I’ve had dates that have lasted ten minutes, been woken up in the middle of the night by someone that was convinced I was Robbie Williams, been confronted with uncontrollable flatulence and been spat at by a white wine witch. It hasn’t all been good though. The incessant choice has created a little cookie Monster in me who can’t stop going out with different women. Even if I’ve had a faultless date (more than an hour), I still can’t resist that little check to see who’s had a peep at me while I’ve been away from the Internet. Then of course, your potential love interest from the night before will see that you’re online then email you saying ‘Oi, what were you doing online?!’ You’d then reply ‘Me?! What were YOU doing online?’ Then they’d say ‘Well I just went on to hide my profile.’ To which I’d reply ‘Well I just went on to hide your profile too.’
There’s nothing I don’t know or haven’t experienced about this little world, which has led me to write my debut solo stand-up show ‘How To Succeed At Internet Dating’ for this years Edinburgh Fringe.
I’ve been on every type of dating site there is, and been out with people I’d never usually meet, which may sound like a good thing, but it’s often not. So, I’ve pretty much exhausted every dating site in the northern hemisphere of the Internet; therefore, I thought it was about time I channeled my learnings into something positive. Plus, it was costing me a fortune. Also, I’m getting on a bit for Toyboywarehouse these days and I’m not rich enough for Sugardaddies.com yet.
So what am I here for? Well I’m here to offer you boys and girls some advice to up your date rate. I know enough about what women hate to see on a profile or in an email, and I know enough about what a bloke likes to see, so I’ll be here to offer you some sound advice and stop you behaving like a silly billy. I can weed out all the clichés from your profile, stop you from cocking up your emails by asking for sexy time (and that), and even sort your photo selection out. For instance, if you must do a bathroom mirror shot, remember to flush the chain. Don’t post a picture of you miles away. That’s only going to give us an idea of what you’d look like after a massive argument.
Anyway, I want to hear about your problems. Are you consistently going out with ‘wrong ‘uns’? Not getting enough emails? Not getting enough replies?
Well I’m here to help. Get in touch and we’ll publish your problems, along with a healthy dose of solution.
In the meantime, if you’d like to come and see the show, it’s on as below. Make yourself known that you’re from toyboywarehouse afterwards and I’ll even try and match you up. I’m THAT good. I’m getting some badges done soon so that TBW members can find each other after my shows. Is this a new kind of dating? Have a laugh, get a date! Roll it on!
27th May – Hen and Chickens Theatre, 109 St Pauls Rd, Islington – 9:30pm
8th June – Hen and Chickens Theatre, 109 St Pauls Rd, Islington – 9:30pm
15th June – Camden Head, Camden High St, Camden – 8pm
20th June – Betsey Trotwood, 56 Farringdon Rd, Farringdon – 8pm
26th June – Ginglik – Shepherds Bush Green, Shepherds Bush – 9pm
13th July – Jacksons Lane Theatre, 269a Archway Rd, Hampstead – 8pm
New dates are added all the time on www.markrestuccia.com
Then it’s up to The Edinburgh Fringe for August 1st-27th (except 13th) at The Third Door at Gilded Balloon at 9:30pm.
You may even get to see live how I deal with any ex-internet dates that turn up to check if they’re in the show; like last week. A very exciting bit of action on the front row that was too. Follow me on Twitter: @markrestuccia or become a fan of my page on Facebook: facebook.com/MarkRestucciaComedy in the meantime.
I’ll also be offering regular tips, so keep ‘em peeled.
