In response to her recent post, ‘How to be a Man’, Katy Horwood (@katy_red) was delighted to welcome English cricketer, journalist and author, Simon Hughes, (@cricketanalyst) with his response on – yes, you’ve guessed it – How to be a Woman!
A tongue firmly in a cheek and not a cricket ball in sight, enjoy…
- Please, please always have food in your house. Substantial food. Stuffed vine leaves or anything else from Greece doesn’t count and Granola is for hamsters. Good things to have are mini cocktail sausages, cheese, 4-minute Tortellini, chocolate, eggs or a Beef Welington that you cooked earlier. Anyway, you can play some good games with food.
- Don’t allow your pets in your bedroom. Theres’s nothing worse than getting a mouthful of dog hair when your head hits the pillow or feel a wet muzzle on the back of your calves when you’re making love. Ideally don’t have any pets at all, unless they can be kept in a tank and/or left unattended for a long time.
- Don’t have any lodgers either, even if the money is useful and he’s handy round the house. There’s nothing worse than being unable to have sex on the kitchen table because of the spectre of Rupert arriving back unexpectedly.
- Don’t refuse offers of help from your man with – “don’t worry i can do it”. Men like providing solutions or helping in some way. It’s the one thing that makes them feel worthwhile and valuable and not just an annoyance. Otherwise they will just go off and help your best friend, and you know what that means.
- Don’t get too drunk. Slightly pissed girls are fun and sexy. Inebriated girls are just plain embarrassing, slurring incomprehensibly, falling over and breaking your friend’s best decanter and are either sick in the taxi or get off with your best mate’s boyfriend. Then again, maybe that was the point.
- Don’t wear big hooped earrings (only for 17 year olds or gypsies) or too much sparkly jewellery in general. It makes you look high maintenance or like a 17 year old gypsy.
- Be willing for morning sex (as well as evening.) Men like morning sex because they are aroused more easily and can sustain their performance better than at 2am immediately after 2 bottles of wine, lamb shanks and half a dozen Jaegermeister shots. An old girlfriend used to say morning sex was ‘cheating’ because it wasn’t her that aroused the man but just the time of day. We broke up soon after.
- Always have a friend who is fatter than you (well you know that, don’t you?). It stops you going on about your weight, worrying if your arse is getting bigger or if you’re developing a muffin top. Women seem to be under the impression their weight/size changes on an hourly basis. It probably does but no one else can tell or really cares.
- Wear G-strings. So much sexier than apple catchers. Any other type of pants are BANNED. only wear them if you’re going to be undressing in a cubicle with your grandmother.
- If you want to complain about shaving gel stains on your beautiful white designer silk, just think – would you rather have the stains or a very sore chin? And don’t forget, we don’t like kissing stubble either.
- Please, please, PLEASE don’t put on your dating profile that all you want to do is curl up by a log fire. Log fires are a pain to build and light (showing up a man’s domestic inadequacy), fill the room with smoke and only reveal that you either won’t or can’t pay for the central heating. Anyway they are illegal. And if you want to do something illegal at least make it something a bit naughty. If you really want log fires marry a Canadian lumberjack.
Simon is well known as The Analyst on Channel 5’s evening highlights programme, commentates on BBC radio and writes for the Daily Telegraph. Follow him for very little relationship chat (he saves that for us) but lots of cricket banter on twitter @cricketanaylst
Guys, would you agree with his advice? What do you women think?
The Team @ TBW
