It’s as apparent on the streets as it is between the sheets; everything’s now casual. Why wear a shirt and tie when a t-shirt’s deemed more suitable, and why tie yourself to just one person when you can try a whole wardrobe of lovers on for size?
Traditionally, both God and social science brought multiple reasons for hitching your wagon long-term, as Sam Diss in The Shortlist points out;
“.. according to a study in 2012, bachelors had a 24% higher risk of dying of cancer than married men and a 2011 investigation found married couples were 10 to 15% less likely to die prematurely. According to yet more studies, loneliness can be “as deadly as diabetes”.
.. “In the book of Genesis, God says to Adam, ‘It is not good for man to be alone’, and then he made Eve.”
So we’re getting married because the big bloke upstairs said we should?
“Stability is a key benefit, too. Marriage is what’s best for raising children.”
For older women, finding someone to raise children with is no longer an issue. And for toyboys, it’s a relief not to have weddings and babies looming in the distance like a storm waiting to ruin a perfectly fun summer’s day.
But does this mean casual is the new black? Quite possibly. While it’s not for everyone, studies have shown that it’s not what you do but why you do it that counts. To go all method actor on you; what’s your motivation? Because, as Zhana Vrangalova Ph.D (the brains behind The Casual Sex Project) writes in her Strictly Casual column for Psychology Today,
“ .. when we do things for the “right” reasons, our well-being flourishes. When we do those exact same things for the “wrong” reasons, our well-being suffers. What are right and wrong reasons?
Autonomous (“Right”) motives:
- Wanting the fun and enjoyment.
- Wanting to explore and learn about your sexuality.
- Believing it is an important experience to have.
Nonautonomous (“Wrong”) Motives:
- Wanting to feel better about yourself or to avoid other unpleasant feelings.
- Wanting to please someone else (e.g., your partner or friends).
- Wanting to get a favor, material reward, or revenge.
- Hoping it would lead to a long-term relationship.
- Not actually wanting to hook up, but being somehow tricked or coerced into it, or too intoxicated to make a responsible decision.
Ultimately, good casual sex comes down to respect; both for yourself and for your partners. As Barbara Ellen notes in The Guardian,
“This means recognising, as decent human beings tend to do .. that in every single sexual situation, both parties have (or should have) an unwritten, but necessary and complex, “duty of care” to each other. That, as well as what’s happening physically, there are the all-important grey areas on the emotional peripheries of sex where mutual trust and respect are key and non-negotiable .. When this baseline is achieved, and only then, it becomes irrelevant how casual the sex is.”
When it comes to being casual, trust and respect are still smart; being classy never goes out of fashion.
