Tell us about yourself. What makes you a dating/relationship expert?
There is no school that teaches you how to be a professional dating profile writer, but I started out in the public relations industry, where my job was to help companies present themselves to the public. These skills made all the difference in my own online dating life, and in the help I started to give to my friends. I got into the industry in 2004 when Match.com was running a profile assistance service. The service was doomed to fail (it was run through a 900 number), but it gave me a chance to start helping people with their profiles on a much larger scale.
When the Match.com service shut down after 9 months, I was their highest-rated profile writer and I was being requested by more than 60% of the clients. That’s what gave me the idea to start ProfileHelper.com. When I launched the site, I was one of the only people that I knew of who was doing this professionally. Over the years, several other companies have come and gone (one was even started by an ex-girlfriend of mine who got the idea by watching me work), but Profilehelper has continued to grow. Since launching in 2005, we’ve helped over 14,000 people with their online dating profiles, photos, and dating strategies.
How does your approach differ from other experts?
I’m honestly not sure. I’m not really focused on what anyone else in my industry does. Personally, I believe that dating is not a numbers game. I think that there’s a lot of focus on women having to kiss as many frogs as it takes to find their prince, or men just machine-gunning out messages to women in hopes of getting someone to say yes. This attitude is what causes singles to burn out and quit before finding a great partner. Dating is not a numbers game. It’s all about being able to read what people are saying between the lines of their profiles and determining, not only, that they are a good match for you, but that you are a good match for them.
An excellent profile should repel far more people than it attracts and you need to know that just having a great profile isn’t enough. You have to know what to do with it. In reality, your profile isn’t even for the people who find you, it’s for the people you find. When you reach out to someone who has the potential of being a great partner, your profile serves as the perfect wingman to you first message.
What are some of the biggest challenges/frustrations you see from the people you work with?
The #1 complaints from my male and female clients are two sides of the same coin:
Men: I’m sending out all these messages, but I’m barely getting any responses.
Women: I’m getting all these messages, but none of them are from the people I want to meet.
Men are sending far too many messages to women. A lot of the time, they message anyone they think is cute. Meanwhile, most women put out a profile and see what comes to them because of out-of-date ideas about whether it’s OK for a woman to say hi to a man.
There are plenty of challenges when it comes to the bad profiles, awful photos, and poorly conceived first messages, but once you fix them, this is the problem that most people seem to hit.
Member submitted question
I’m 49, female and recently divorced. I met my husband when I was a teenager so I’ve never really done the whole dating thing. Where do I start?
– Catherine, 49
Hi Catherine. The first thing that you need to know is that you are definitely not alone in this. You are in one of the largest age groups of online daters right now. If you are going to start online dating, it’s important to know what it is and what it isn’t, up front. Despite what you’ve seen in ads, online dating is not an instant cure for singlehood. It’s just one more place to meet people that you aren’t already meeting. Don’t ever give it more power than that and you’ll be OK.
If you are looking for a serious relationship, there are a couple of places that I’d consider: Match and Bumble. Match has the three things I look for in a profile-driven dating site: It’s not free, it has a great search tool, and it is the second largest dating site in the world. Bumble is good if you want to try a swipe app, but don’t want to deal with the meat market atmosphere on Tinder. Here’s the main difference between the two:
Match: This site will require more work on your part, a longer profile, and for you to message people without them having already swiped on you. You will get less first dates on Match, but more of them will have the potential of turning into relationships.
Bumble: Bumble can feel like a video game. You can swipe on guys until you pass out. The connections on this app are based more on photos and much shorter profiles. This means that there are often more first dates, but fewer of them end up being the kind that might turn into relationships.
Before you get started, make sure you’ve got your photos in order. You need 4-7 photos that are no more than 10 months old.You need to be the only person in the majority of them and you can’t just use a bunch of selfies. Keep it simple, don’t dress up too much or use any phone filters.
When it comes to your profile, don’t think of it as an ad. You don’t have to sell yourself to anyone, just pick a few things about yourself and talk about them so that people get more than just a long list of meaningless stuff. Surprisingly, a lot of women tend to forget to write about what they are looking for in a partner. You need to make sure that you write about the kind of person you’d like to meet without focusing on the things you didn’t like about your ex.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help, but try to find an objective third party (like ProfileHelper.com). Friends and loved ones are great, but they have a very subjective view on what they think is best for you and what they want for your future. This kind of subjectivity can color your profile in ways that can do more harm than good.
Tell us about some of the projects/books/events you’re currently working on/just completed
I’m putting together some notes that may turn into a book eventually, but I’m very focused on working with my clients.
Do you find any patterns with respect to what women are attracted to? What are the main things women are looking for in a man?
The one big word that’s started popping up more and more in the last couple of years is “decisive.” As women have gained more power in society, many men have taken it as an excuse to jump into the back seat and it is annoying women to no end. I’ve heard complaints to the effect that some men almost seem afraid of making decisions because they don’t want to upset their date. Other than that, women want the same humble, funny, ambitious men that they have always been drawn to.
Do you find any patterns with respect to what men are attracted to? What are the main things men are looking for in a woman?
In recent years, I’ve seen more men than ever putting an emphasis on finding a woman with a career of her own. I don’t think this is because they are looking for sugar mammas as much as they are looking for more parity than they had in previous relationships. Beyond that, men have kept to the same things they’ve always wanted: looks, smile, brains, heart.
It’s important to mention here that we are talking in broad generalities. While there are certain things that most people want, I’ve been amazed at the diversity of desires, wants, and relationship goals that I’ve come across over the years as a Professional Dating Profile Writer.
Member submitted question
I’ve recently started an age-gap relationship with a woman who’s 15 years older than me. I haven’t told anyone about us yet and she’s getting annoyed, almost like I’m ashamed of her. I really like her but I just don’t know how my friends and family will react. What should I do?
– Marv, 30
Hey Marv, If you care about her, it’s time to pull off the band-aid. If she’s as great a woman as you think she is, most of your friends will probably like her a lot. Your parents might be the biggest hurdle, but you don’t have to introduce everyone to her at once. Start by inviting just one or two close friends to dinner with you and your girlfriend. See how it goes.
Don’t make it a bigger deal than it is. She’s a woman you care about (and who seems to care about you) and you want her to meet more people that you care about. If you were dating a woman that was your age, how would you introduce her to your friends? You probably wouldn’t make a grand announcement to all of them at once, you’d ease her into the situation. This is the same thing.
How can people connect with you on social?
You can find me on Facebook at – https://www.facebook.com/
But the best way to reach me is to just visit me at www.Profilehelper.com
Finally, what’s the one piece of advice you hold close to your heart?
Online dating is not an instant fix for being single. It’s just one more great way to meet people that you aren’t already meeting. Don’t give it more power than that or it will turn into a job and burn you out. If you are spending more than 20 minutes of your day on dating sites or apps, you are doing it wrong and you need to reassess your strategy.
Alternatively:
It’s always OK to ask for help, even if you feel kind of foolish having to do it. Sometimes you just need an objective outside opinion to help you get out of your own way and back on track.
