I was cornered recently by a friend who asked me ‘So what are you looking for?’ I’d never really thought about it until then and suddenly I was wondering why I didn’t have an answer. The thing is I know who I want but it’s the terms and conditions that are the sticking point.
I am fortunate enough to have some wonderful female friends who span the generations from their early twenties to their sixties. All so gorgeous and all so different. The younger ones, who are looking for ‘the one’ to be husband and father to their children. The ones who are in a relationship and have become mothers who will wake up in ten years and think ‘What the hell happened there?’. The ones who have woken up and promptly found lovers to fill the void. The ones who marriage suited and the ones for whom marriage was never going to be an option. And then there’s me…..
I found ‘the one’ (thank you TBW!) and God, is he ‘the one’! Everything about him, I just melt. I have never met anyone who makes me feel what I feel for him. It is the purist love. So then you look at terms and conditions on both sides and this is where it starts to turn into a tragedy.
He is looking for a partner and mother to his children. He will make a brilliant dad and if he wants to experience that, he should. But it can’t be with me. I knew after the birth of my second son I had fulfilled my purpose in that regard. I also know that nothing will change that view.
What I am looking for is a lover, not a partner. There it is! That’s what I’m looking for, and there is a very big difference between the two. The word lover is usually associated with love and sex and is separate to the domesticity implied by the word partner.
I’ve got to be honest with you, at this point I can’t think of anything more perfect than having someone in my life with whom I share the deepest love and the most liberating, exhilarating sex. Not all the other stuff though. Not the decisions about the children, not the decisions on how I run my home, my money, my career. Perhaps I’m compartmentalising too much, maybe being too selfish. I spent most of my life trying to be selfless. It didn’t work!
‘The one’ and I are left in a very strange place. Knowing that to see each other will take us deeper and make it more painful to leave. Knowing that we can’t break the extraordinary connection we have (we’ve tried!).
For now, we text. Precious words. It feels like we are working through it but neither wants to let go. What will happen next? One thing is for sure. Nothing stays the same….
By Three Wishes
