There are some things in life you just can’t live
without. I couldn’t live without music, Clarins face cream, gin, reading
glasses or girlfriends and not necessarily in that order.
I did however live without sex for three
years. Then I began internet dating and sex re-entering my life
became a possibility. When it finally happened, after several angst
ridden weeks of wondering if I would remember what to do, I viewed it with a
mixture of amusement and relief. I knew my girlfriends would be eager to
hear about my little adventure so, instead of repeating myself over and over on
the phone I decided to turn it into the following story for their
benefit.
Ok, it’s a quiet Sunday; son and
girlfriend off to a party, house to myself for the night. Maybe it’s
time to dip my toes into the sexual pool. I send a half joking text,
‘just wondered if you’re busy, have the house to myself’. 30
seconds later get a reply ‘give me your post code and I’ll put it in the Sat
Nav’. Another text, ‘it’s 53 miles, be there at 9’. Oh fuck, done
it now so no backing out. Can’t decide whether first to a) clean the
toilet b) change the bed c) have a shower and shave my legs. Send a
text best friend: ‘Think I may be about to experience sex without
the internet tonight, how quickly can one shave their legs?’ Text back
from friend: ‘Careful with the razor, don’t waste shagging time
texting , fill me in on the details tomorrow’.
Manage to accomplish a to c with no accidents at the
same time downing three gin and tonics. Dither about what to
wear and finally settle on the Elle McPherson underwear with something a little
more subtle over it. After all I might lose my nerve at the last minute
so there is no point in being too obvious. Text friend again, ‘all
done with time to spare, even cleaned the toilet, promise I won’t text you for
instructions’. Text back ‘as if I would be any use’. On my own
then!
He finally arrives, not bad for over 50.
Lots of pleasant chat, how good his son is at tennis, his friends’ house
in Cornwall, the tracks on his ipod, name of his parents’ dog. I wonder
if I’m making him nervous or if his conversation is normally as diverse and
interesting! Finally we progress beyond conversation.
What can I say girls, to be perfectly basic, it was a
long overdue itch that has finally been scratched. I don’t think there
were any earth tremors in Suffolk though. I did surprise
myself with my versatility; in the best Essex girl tradition I can still
get my legs behind my head. I worried rather about the effect on my hips
though and wondered at one point if it was possible to get an emergency
hip replacement at the local hospital on a Sunday night!
I think my attention did wander and at one
point think I nodded off. I’m getting worried that I’m
beginning to suffer from narcolepsy (that is falling asleep suddenly isn’t
it, or is that necrophilia)? Second time that’s happened
recently, the first when I was taking dictation in a very boring
meeting.
God I’m being such a cow aren’t I but hey,
what’s the point of a sense of humour if you can’t use it. He’s very
sweet but I don’t think post coital chat about the ex wife is really terribly
acceptable. He did suggest staying but I said no, thought it was better
that he went home so sent him off into the night for the 1hour 17mins (how
anally precise is that) trip back to deepest Essex. No-one
sees me put on the four different types of Clarins face cream I need each
night. I went back to the book I’m reading once he’d gone, about the
Clintons time in the White House. The fact that the book didn’t make me
nod off perhaps says a lot! Have received several texts today so now have
to decide if a repeat performance is in order. to be honest I’m not sure,
internet sex is much less stressful, no need to dress up, well sometimes there
is but that’s another story!
My girlfriends enjoyed the story but their conviction
that he sounded ‘just right for me’ persuaded me that I did not want a repeat
performance. I realised that I wanted to enjoy myself and have
fun, but endless conversations about ipods, dogs and ex-wives could never
be classified as fun and looking at friends’ husbands I realised
that my girlfriends were probably not brilliant at choosing the right person!
Soon after that I read an article in the Sunday Times
about tbw. I was hesitant about joining wondering why on earth
younger men would have any interest in older women. Should I just
be realistic and accept that my lot was to socialise with over-50s from now
on. That thought alone was sufficient to make me sign up which I did and
very soon discovered something else I couldn’t live without!
By Trish
