The other day one of my work colleagues said (genuinely), “There’s a call on line one for you. It’s the police I think.” Turns out it was PC World…
Ah wordplay. That’s like sex with letters. But ever have the feeling nobody’s quite getting you? Online I mean. Well look, I’m sure a few of you will already know how I’ve been asked to get my coat many a time during certain forum debates, although to be fair ‘twas yours truly who in fact first brought that whole coat business up; so far from developing a complex about it, I could probably be accused of courting the note-oriety instead (sorry, couldn’t resist).
However this does raise a valid point when looking at the way our communicative skills have evolved across this whole social networking/chat/online-dating scene. I mean if you thought humour was already very much an acquired taste offline (and some might argue I’ve yet to acquire it) well trust me, all you online gagmeisters out there might now be finding you’ve got a pretty tough crowd to work with.
“Funny” (in the peculiar sense this time) isn’t it how many a profile you click on asks for someone with a GSOH (allegedly this means a “Good Sense Of Humour”) but upon application of such, either you ain’t got it pal or they actually meant a “Garden Shed Or House” (takes all sorts I guess). Even so, there do remain those who still prefer slightly quirkier approaches. But just like how some of you gels (older or otherwise) may have to kiss a few frogs to find your fresh-faced toyprince, so some of us “jokers” will have to drop a few of lead balloons before we get the “you’re on my level” smirk that lights the spark (but hopefully not the bomb).
I have to admit I’m out of practice myself with all this though, which is somewhat ironic. Ironic because for me it all began online and eventually I did get the hang of what worked and what didn’t. But then life took an interesting turn and I went to play offline for quite a while (years even), and it’s only relatively recently that I’ve returned – I say returned when what I really mean is I’ve “reincorporated” the online experience into my offline frolics. Thus where I used to be stuck for words offline and was positively “gagging” for it online (geddit?), now I’m very much the other way. At least I must be considering the odd cyber faux pas or two I’ve made recently; and of course I’m far too gentlemanly to ever accuse those on the receiving end of having a GSOH failure. I mean heaven forbid!
Looking back, when I started out in online chat and used to pick out the more interesting profiles I did often receive short shrift. I remember for instance one rather naff intro of “Please don’t tell me you prefer cats…” to a chatter called Bardot who promptly replied “F*** off!” She had a point though. It was a truly dreadful line despite the supposed “clever” allusion to her more famous namesake’s fondness for all things feline. Anyway I learned my lesson and got better at it. Much.
And then, as I just said, I left all that behind for a while and instead got results doing the same kind of thing offline. You see offline you’re aided by tone of voice, glint in the eye or conspiratorial grin. Online you’ve at best got emoticons to help you out. But if you forget to use them, or else simply pick the “wrong” person and make some kind of smartarse remark, it’ll usually backfire. Mind you, some still won’t get it even if you do give them a signal. Like the time fairly recently I was messaging a most matter-of-fact yet somehow alluring scientist who often complained (quite rightly) how she hated all that gratuitous smutty talk she received from elsewhere. We’d been getting along fine; I thought she’d really tapped into my silly humour. So when I whimsically signed off in an email trade-off with, “…oh and hey just how horny are you anyway ;-)?” I unfortunately got the curt reply of, “I told you I wasn’t interested in that kind of talk. Good luck elsewhere!”
At first I thought about explaining myself, and the (admittedly poor) joke etc. Then again, sod it! If she doesn’t get it (phnar phanr), she’s not what I’m after anyway. Selfish and arbitrary (and a touch conceited sprinkled with naïve), probably yes, but you can really waste time with pointless people on these things. Nobody wants to be insulted and God forbid I’d knowingly do that, but geez, there’s a few searching for romance etc online who do take themselves rather too seriously. Still that does bring to mind how during my first forays online way back when I would often innocently yet erroneously ask, “So what are you into?” which unfortunately became misconstrued as something a whole lot seedier than merely an enquiry to check if they were avid (and thus avoidable) stamp-collectors. Mind you there was the odd one (in both senses of the expression) who would indeed prefer to go into their more x-rated practices (and my there’s some scary people out there).
All in all though, you can throw in all the, “Foreplay? But I’m a ‘good’ golfer!” lines you want but don’t be surprised if the tumbleweeds come tumbling, tumbling by in the vast majority of cases. Having said that though, still stay true to your act no matter how dodgy the material because there’s little point in trying pull off (oi stop it now!) being someone you’re not. If anything just hire new writers!
Anyway I’m sure I’ve tested your patience long enough so I’d best take a welcome bow and just leave you with this last one (another cringeworthty favourite – and I’ve told it before); plaintiff has accused her ex-partner of non-consensual sex “per anum” to which counsel for the defence pleads, “Mi’lud she’d specifically said she only wanted it once a year but my client misheard!”
Of course you know it could just be that I’m not funny. In which case I really better get my coat then…
Just kidding 😉
By Bastian Dash
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