Tell us about yourself. What makes you a dating/relationship expert?
Well, I am not sure I’m an expert, but, like many matchmakers, for some reason people always seemed to ask me for romantic advice. Perhaps it is just because I was patient enough to listen their problems and willing to help.
Once, in law school, while I was trying to study – all too rare an event – a classmate was going on about his sad love life. I looked at him and then scanned the student lounge. Then I got up and walked him over to a pretty classmate he had never met and artfully introduced them. I quickly returned to studying, but they got married eighteen months later and are still married today.
Then later, after I started internationallovescout.com, I started getting questions from men about international dating. When I answer a question from one of the users of my website, I really consider what I am going to tell them. I will usually do some research and often answering men’s question will spark me to eventually write a full article on the topic.
How does your approach differ from other experts?
There are a lot of people who need a vote of confidence, a word of caution, and, in my particular dating niche, reliable information. I try to offer a positive perspective on life in general, point people in the direction of the best information on the subject. I do not want people to simply trust me. I want people to study the issue for themselves and be confident in their own decisions.
My site has links to a lot of academic research on dating and also other authoritative sources of information. But I also try hard to help my clients become not just better men, but better human beings.
I wrote a whole article about men who should not be dating foreign brides, but these guys should not be dating anyone until they get their lives in order. I suppose that my approach mostly boils down to, “Believe in yourself, trust your gut, but… please read this first.”
What are some of the biggest challenges/frustrations you see from the people you work with?
I think one of the biggest issues today is that the internet breeds cynicism about online dating, but according to a recent study conducted by two Stanford University sociologists and another professor 40% of American couples now meet online. So, millions of relatively normal people all over the world who met online living quiet, normal lives together.
But you would have a hard time finding that in the mainstream media, because most stories about online dating highlight cases of fraud, dishonesty, abuse, and crime. Yes, those things can and do happen in online dating, but statistically they are rare outliers and can occur in any sort of relationship regardless of how the couple met.
Member submitted question
I’m 49, female and recently divorced. I met my husband when I was a teenager so I’ve never really done the whole dating thing. Where do I start?
– Catherine, 49
Start within your circle of friends and acquaintances. Let them know that you want to date again. That might solve your problems right there.
Then you can begin moving out into online dating. I suggest joining a variety of sites and seeing what clicks for you. Niche sites focused on your age and special interests probably give you the best chance for success. There are really a huge number of opportunities to meet someone today.
Tell us about some of the projects/books/events you’re currently working on/just completed
We are simply trying to continue to improve our site and continue educating people about international dating. It is not the right choice for everyone, but recent academic research shows that it is probably at least as good of a way to find a mate as any other. So, I am working to continue to get that message out.
Do you find any patterns with respect to what women are attracted to?
Well, one of the interesting things about mail order brides is that they often come from countries that are highly patriarchal and where all men are macho. So, they often appreciate Western men who are more relaxed and less demanding.
Even a moderately grumpy American, Canadian, or European guy often comes across as the nicest man they have ever met, because he does not insist that his every whim be obeyed and never beats them up. Sadly, violence against women is far more widespread around the world than most people realize and in most countries it is almost never punished. In fact, in 2017 Russia decriminalized all but the worse domestic violence and according to this article the police rarely investigate in any case.
The Western concept of a relationship between a man and woman as a partnership or a team trying to grow and succeed together is revolutionary for a lot of foreign women, because it is not part of their native culture. This is why so many smart, attractive, and educated women around the world keep signing up for mail order bride sites even when they are doing well financially. They are attracted to the modern concept of romance where a man and a woman are teammates working together for the common good.
They know these relationships exist or supposedly exist because they have seen it in the media. Nearly every woman today, regardless of where she lives, has seen some Hollywood romantic comedies, and that sweet, compassionate, but ultimately brave leading man is extremely attractive to women around the world.
I tell guys they owe a thank you to Matthew McConaughey, Tom Hanks, and Hugh Grant. But they also have to try to live up to those standards. That is of course impossible in reality, but if they try to keep that in the back of their minds they usually do OK.
I wrote a whole article to explain to men why they are more attractive overseas.
Do you find any patterns with respect to what men are attracted to?
Beauty is of course always an attraction to men, but a lot of my clients often are pretty wise about that. I have actually had men on romance tours complain that there were too many young women and not enough in his age range which was like 54-60.
And in international dating often the ability to speak fluent English is huge. That is a big part of the reason that so many mail order brides are Filipinas. They grow up speaking English and communication is not an issue.
What are the main things men are looking for in a woman?
I believe the biggest thing that most women do not realize is a lot of older men really want a calm and intelligent woman. And I am not talking about passive. I mean a woman who is not going to be too upset about his adult kids showing up unannounced and is also good in an emergency is important.
A lot of my clients are successful small businessmen and I have had several mention that they want someone they can trust to handle things if they have health issues or some emergency comes up. Essentially, they are looking for someone they can trust – really trust to be level headed and cool.
Member submitted question
I’ve recently started an age-gap relationship with a woman who’s 15 years older than me. I haven’t told anyone about us yet and she’s getting annoyed, almost like I’m ashamed of her. I really like her but I just don’t know how my friends and family will react. What should I do?
– Marv, 30
This is an issue that comes up a lot on my site, because of the negative media stereotype of brides. Be honest with you family and friends. Tell them what you like about your new girlfriend and explain to you them you are happy with her. For most people that is enough, but if they still are unconvinced remind them that if they are rude or unfriendly to her it will hurt you deeply.
Then try to start letting her meet these people as soon as possible, because the longer you wait the harder it will get for her. In-laws are a challenge in every relationship, but they are more likely to be an issue for women than for men. Tell you girlfriend you understand this issue is tougher for women and then back her up.
How can people connect with you on social?
The contact form on my website or the International Love Scout Facebook Page is probably the best way to contact me. And if they do contact me, I would really appreciate it if they reminded me that they heard about me on Toyboy Warehouse.
Finally, what’s the one piece of advice you hold close to your heart?
Most people are actually an expert on something. It may take you a while to discover their expertise, but I have found out this is almost always true. That means you can learn something from everyone and often the people you expect the least out of will surprise you the most.
