UKs Largest Dating and Relationship Site For Older Women And Younger Man

If you’re looking to jump back into the dating world, why not try one of the most active and vibrant dating platforms? For over a decade, Toyboy Warehouse has been matching handsome younger men with mature women. From love, lust to romance, every dating style is catered for. Why not take a look and see for yourself?

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So let me set the scene for you.

My 20-plus-year marriage had ended, a lonely, passionless and pretty miserable final few years. No intimacy, no sex. I had turned into my great-aunt Maud, a dried-up old prune.

During this time I met a guy while taking a course. He was 10 years younger and charming. What followed was an intoxicating foray into text flirting—leaving me quite giddy with rapidly thawing frigidity and the profound realisation that I’d lived my previous 20 years in a sort of coma. That friendship, however, remained platonic.

The attitude of men my own age saddened me, and I became frustrated by their idea of foreplay (not to mention the postcoital narcolepsy five minutes later. So, I told myself, wasn’t it about time I did a little road testing of some younger models? (Purely in the name of market research, you understand…)

I had begun to realise that I’m a nonconformist—a rule-breaker and risk-taker… and, further, that I’m completely comfortable with my own nonconformity. I was 47, and it was about bloody time I celebrated the Rebel Rebel in me.

Around that time an acquaintance told me about a dating website called Toyboy Warehouse. She added that she couldn’t possibly sign up on that site because of insecurities about being overweight/out of shape/unfit/wrinkly/timid… I’ll bet you can already guess my response…

Where do I sign up?

It’s a curious old thing–the word cougar sounds rather threatening and predatory, don’t you think? Yet “threatening” and “predatory” are absolutely not words I would ever use to describe myself. So I was curious as I registered my details, a short, bio, my height, hair colour, AGE and other details, I signed up and held my breath! What world was I entering?

My girlfriends fell into two camps: those utterly horrified by what I was about to embark upon (secretly jealous I reckoned) and those who cheered me on and wanted all the details (maybe just a bit jealous but also excited about living vicariously through me)!

I joined the site because I like a dare!  I was looking for fun, flirting, sex, and education. What I did not expect was that great friendships would develop, along with a level of intimacy that I’d never before experienced before in my life. And, best of all, more attention, devotion and laughter than during two decades of marriage.

And the sex. Oh, the sex was extraordinary. Selfless and attentive and satisfying. You see, the reality is far from the cultural icon of Mrs. Robinson. In fact, the most likely scenario for a woman with a younger partner is that she has arrived at midlife having had a long long-term relationship, few sexual partners, several children, and a pretty boring sex life.

These young men are thrilled to be able to teach an older woman some new tricks!

Why do younger men date older women?

I was curious, so questioned these beautiful young men on their reasons for hanging out with an older woman. (The men I have met are on average 15 years younger than me)—and their answers were enlightening.

• Intelligent conversation
• Independent—An older woman doesn’t NEED a man to validate her existence
• Sexually more adventurous—and happy to try new things
• Sexy without even knowing it—comfortable in her own skin
• Accepting of her partner.
• All woman – the real deal….generally without silicon and self-obsessed grooming practices.
• Able to teach about relationships in a non-threatening way.

In the beginning I did begin a rendezvous by justifying myself, explaining that my body was not that of a 25-year-old; that I’d carried, given birth to, and nursed my children, blah, blah. And then a finger came up to my lips to silence all my disclaimers.

“Have you any idea how amazing I get to feel because YOU chose me?” was the response I got from one beautiful young man.

“I get to be myself with you,” he added. Good grief, I didn’t see that one coming. We get so caught up in our own insecurities about how we look that we lose sight of what’s really important, about who we are on the inside.  I found that in these nontraditional older-younger relationships, both my partner and I got to be who we really are—masks removed.

Ladies, don’t wait until you’re “perfect” before you get out there dating again. Get out there right away and do some exploring—you might just end up having the time of your life.

Haven’t tried Toyboy Warehouse for yourself? Join the Fun

Read more lessons about midlife in Rebecca’s book Best Knickers Always

The post Why I Choose To Date Younger Men appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

Okay, lets be honest here: what’s the first thing that runs through your mind when you meet someone? Is it ‘I wonder if he can cook?’ or ‘I wonder if he likes gardening?’ Of course it bloody well isn’t, everyone of us is guilty of looking at our dates and wondering:

1. What they look like with their clothes off
2. How big he is
3. How big her breasts are (unless they’re already on view of course)
4. How long before we get to bed

We are human, we have natural animal instincts; the man is a predator, the women prey – though that can also be reversed. Either way, our sexual instincts kick in when we see someone we really fancy regardless of whether it’s a quick fling or the start of a long romance. Don’t feel guilty for having those feelings, we all do but how we manage them is what makes the difference

I recently met a young guy; we’d spent a lovely day together and were staying at the same place. Yes, I did think exactly what I’ve just mentioned, but I also hoped that he wouldn’t suddenly pounce on me the minute we got near either his or my room because for me the thoughts are in my head, but in reality I still want to be treated as a lady. I still want to be respected for who I am and not seen merely as a way of filling time and satisfying a quick urge. 

At my age, I feel I have earned the right to be respected and earned the right to decide how, and if, I develop anything further. Had it been 20 years ago maybe my hormones would have reacted in a very different way, but now it isn’t about that, it’s about me, the whole package. That’s not to say I’m a nun, far from it, but for me there is a time and place and a way of getting there. Suffice to say had he pounced, I would have been put off straight away and my early opinions of him as a gentleman would have vanished and been replaced by thoughts of a Neanderthal waste of space! Him not pouncing elevated his status to me and actually made me want to get to know him better. I wanted to know more about how he ticked, I didn’t suddenly think he didn’t fancy me – I knew he did inside, but he thought the same as me, if it had been the other way round and I’d made the move on him, his impression of me would have gone out of the window.

I enjoy sex as much as anyone else does, but being an older woman I have to contend with what nature throws upon me that most men, and certainly the younger ones, have little or no idea about or indeed how to deal with it. Stupid things like menopause, which arrives with very little warning and sets out to attack everything you’ve enjoyed like an amazingly high libido, which was the greatest shock albeit temporary. At one point, I wondered whether I had any hormones left, but actually all that had happened is that they took a short vacation and came back all refreshed and ready for action!

What I did notice as I got older though was how my energy and desire for sex changed and talking to many other women this is not uncommon. We talked previously about the strength of women and their attitudes to sex and demands in the bedroom in terms of control, but its not just about control.

Men and women are more open to things now that 30-years ago would be deemed freaky or just not normal for most people, but due to more and more exposure on the internet we have access to information and graphic pictures to help that curiosity is aroused even more. So when does it become freaky or weird and who determines if it is or not? No one has a right to judge anyone if it’s between consenting adults and I say what’s wrong with a little bondage if you enjoy it, it’s all role play.

Many couples love ‘golden showers’ and while it may not be for everyone, there are others who relish the pressure and the warmth it creates. For women, having it aimed at their clitoris can have a very stimulating effect and for men the sheer idea of a woman standing over them and peeing, taking control is energizing. Admittedly it’s not for everyone, but then we are not all the same and if we were, life would be boring 

Oral too, whilst more common, it is not to everyone’s taste. There are givers and there are receivers, though in my experience women tend to give a lot more than men do – sorry guys, but usually that’s the case, though I do accept there are men who absolutely love giving and won’t stop until she orgasms, to those men I applaud you. What men want most women want too and the more two-way the better the experience.

The key thing here is to enjoy what suits you and your partner and to never stop discovering and finding out. I am happy to go into more detail on anything raised, so do please drop me a line if you’d like me to focus on anything in particular

In the meantime please send me your questions, I’m feeling lonely here!

Enjoy!

Tanya x

The post Ask Tanya | Holy or Horny? appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

For years there’s always been debate around the ‘three date rule’, before actually going to bed with someone. But times change, people change and what was then, isn’t necessarily now!

There have always been double standards – if a man goes around sleeping with as many women as he can manage, he’s considered a real stud by his friends; but should a woman participate in the same sexual freedom, she is deemed a slag. So guys, you wonder why many of us keep you on the back burner? Well, generally it’s because you make us!

Times and attitudes have changed, women are more in control of their sexual freedom than any time in the last century. We know what we want, when we want it and how we want it, which I have had men tell me scares the crap out of them!

We are no longer willing to lay back and think of England, we are more likely to make you lay back and take control of the situation. We are liberated women, prepared to make our choices and make them vocal. Admittedly, this doesn’t apply to everyone but predominantly we are stronger and more confident with each passing decade

Like most women of my generation, we lived at home until we went to university or college, we met a man, we dated, we fell in love and we got married. We didn’t live together, it was a common thing to do and I can still hear my parents telling me that couples that did were ‘living in sin’. That’s not to say they were staunch churchgoers, it was just how it was and I followed the norm.

I didn’t date a great deal, though my dating was probably restricted to one ‘serious’ type relationship at 14/15 which lasted 8 months though no sex ever took place in any way whatsoever. I was obviously underage anyway but whilst it entered his mind it certainly didn’t mine! When I married he was only the second man in my life so any physical connection I had was with him. I felt safe and secure and that was important

By the time I divorced, whilst I was no longer naïve about life, I certainly was sexually and it took me a year to even believe I was single and actually date someone. What I realised as time went on was how much I wanted to explore and meeting my next serious relationship, the three date rule never came into play. I knew I wanted him and I knew he wanted me so effectively I decided that, as we’d been communicating for a couple of weeks (I was introduced via a friend), to hell with the rule because I was climbing the walls!

That night I had the most amazing sex ever and fortunately I was lucky that it continued for the 7 years we were together. He opened my eyes, he helped me lose inhibitions and he allowed me to explore my ‘side’, but he was also fortunate to have met me when my self-confidence was growing.

Finding me took years, where today young women are finding themselves much earlier. Though my concern is that too much is considered the norm these days and pressure is put upon women, who are not strong enough to say no.

More mature women on the other hand ARE strong enough to control situations, to let it run at their pace, to do what they want to rather than feel they have to. As a consequence, I find many younger men love the control and dominance of an older woman, which by all accounts suits me perfectly haha!

The level of dominance, of course, depends on the people involved but of the men I’ve discussed this with it seems with younger girls they find it very easy to be the dominant one, but with older women they are drawn in by the confidence and strength, and will quite happily follow their lead.

Dominance can vary from a little control with just directive orders, to full-blown sub/dom clothing, shackles, masks etc. Some people would think this a little freaky, but in all fairness who are we to judge what suits? Just because its not something we would venture into, doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong.

With sexual freedom brings the right to be experimental, whatever that encompasses, and as long as it doesn’t over step boundaries of legality, what does it matter? Sex between two consenting adults is what freedom is all about. It’s about making that connection, although I wouldn’t raise the subject on your first date, it might be a little intimidating until you’re sure of what your potential partner is into.

This goes back to one of my earlier comments about watching, listening and talking because by doing this you get to know your partner well, which will give you an indication as to how far things can go. Communication is always key whatever you want to do but always remember everyone has a right to say NO.

Domination can be fun but also hugely satisfying for both parties. For the dominant one, the idea of controlling someone’s actions and allowing their own gratification as ordered is a huge turn on and for the submissive, being ordered and controlled and even held back can heighten sexual tension and add to any eventual orgasm which may be forthcoming.

For many men the sheer desire to please is overwhelming as this goes against the grain, where men have generally held the upper hand. Women in turn are enjoying the more dominant role and some believe they are getting back what they truly deserve.

Domination for women can also help overcome any inhibitions when it comes to telling a partner how they want to be kissed, licked etc., as whilst they may find it intimidating, looking into the eye of their partner, telling a submissive is totally different and covers up any fears. Telling a submissive what and how you want them to do something means you finally get the pleasure in the way you’ve been wanting for ages, but daren’t say and many submissive are more than happy to please you!

Role play can be very pleasurable for many who indulge and I’m very much of the ‘don’t knock it until you’ve tried it’ tribe, as you never know what it can enhance and bring out for your own enjoyment as well as your partner. Don’t be shy to experiment but take it slowly, that way you get to feel the true pleasure of what you do, rather than anything rushed

I am only giving you an insight, but happy to discuss in greater detail if any of you would like to or use me as a soundboard. But in the meantime, remember playtime is me time.

Have fun!!

Tanya x

The post Ask Tanya | Are Women More In Control? appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

How do you know if you need a love life coach?

Read these telltale signs…

Throughout our lives we are coached by experts. As children many of us will have joined a club to be coached to play football, dance or sing. Perhaps we had extra coaching for things we found difficult like extra Maths or English tuition, to ensure we met the grade. In work and business people seek out advisors and mentors, while sports people at the top of their game look to coaches to help them develop further and reach peak performance. Yet when it comes to our love life and important relationships, we generally seem to leave our success or failure, pleasure or pain, to chance. Few of us ever think to seek out support except perhaps the odd bit of advice from parents and friends. Yet they can only ever speak from their personal perspective and are definitely not experts in this field!

“As a relationship therapist and love life coach, people often ask me, how can love life coaching help me?” says Helen Rice Founder of BeLoveCurious.com. “Deciding to ask for help with your relationship is a very personal decision and there are many reasons why clients seek us out. Here’s our Top 10 Telltale Signs that reveal you‘re in need of some help to find your dating-to-relationship mojo and some clues as to how we might work with you to get the love life results you want.”

1.You find a reason not to date any and every one

Do you have a check list of all the things you don’t want in a partner? You know the things we’re talking about – they have to be a certain height, they must have dark hair not blonde, only a lawyer or a banker will do etc. While a dating coach does advocate you being clear on what you are looking for in a partner, they will make you think carefully about how you could be limiting your options.

2.You have started to believe that you are destined to be single and are better off that way

Do you constantly tell people that you are better off single and never wanted to have a relationship anyway? Do you really believe this or is it easier to keep telling yourself and everyone else that? A relationship coach can help you challenge your fixed ways of thinking about yourself and other people and help you explore and understand what’s really getting in the way of achieving your love, sex, dating and relationship goals.

3. You feel like you always attract Mr/Miss Wrong

Feel like you only ever attract the bad ones? Do you always follow a similar dating pattern? A dating coach can help you identify these patterns and help you to break them. They may also reflect on your first loves, as it is often these early relationships that set the foundations for later love or lack of it.

4. You can’t get past the first date and don’t know why?

Why is it that your friends seem to find it so easy and yet you can’t get past the first date. Chatting through your hopes and fears, and perhaps even play acting a first date scenario – perhaps with a glass of wine in hand can give you some perspective on what you’re doing and why it might not be helping you to that so desired second date.

5. You think about your ex all of the time and can’t seem to move on

Do you compare every new date to your ex? Does everything you do or say remind you of them; songs on the radio, your favourite box set? A love life coach will help you to talk about special people and events in your past to reveal what you are doing now to protect your heart and keep others at a distance.

6. You really want to find the ONE but seem to scare off potential candidates

You know you want a relationship and are desperate to find love, but your actions are currently having a different reaction. Sometimes you need to take an alternative approach and do things differently to the way you are doing them now; often it helps to just stop. A dating coach can help you create goals and then make a plan for success – working with you to overcome the barriers and resistance you might feel when taking on new personal challenges.

7. You feel that you don’t really deserve a happy relationship

You don’t really like yourself that much, so why should anyone else? Does this sound familiar – do you think you’re not attractive enough, or clever or outgoing enough to find a fulfilling relationship? Think again, most of us entertain more negative than positive thoughts about ourselves. A relationship coach will look to find out what is at the source of these negative thoughts and help you to see them as the self-limiting untruths that they are.

8. You’ve lost your confidence?

What’s caused you to lose your confidence? Can you pin-point the moment when your confidence vanished or has a bad date left you feeling flat and uninspired? Working with a coach to get to the bottom of such experiences and what you’ve made it mean about you, is key to ditching the unhelpful opinions you hold about yourself that are stopping you from having the relationship you really want.

9. You believe that men/women you date are only interested in you for sex, nothing more

It is possible to have sex without intimacy and yet sex and intimacy are so completely intertwined when we are interested in creating a successful, loving relationship. A dating coach can help you to explore your attitudes, values, beliefs and practices around both sex and intimacy and work with you to ensure you are fulfilled in your relationships.

10. Your relationship rules are set in stone

Are you someone that has very particular relationship rules and won’t budge when it comes to carrying them out? For example, your date should always call first, text messages should be replied to instantly or within a set number of hours, no sex until the third date? Sometimes having such high expectations of how your date should behave (when often they have no idea of these rules) can only lead to disappointment and upset. Connecting with a relationship coach will allow you to explore the origin of these relationship rules and discover strategies for adapting them so that they don’t compromise your future happiness.

Helen continues: ‘Relationship coaching can be of benefit to everyone, whether you are already in a relationship or single. We believe that everyone can have the relationship of their dreams. All it takes is a willingness to be:

* Curious about why your love-life isn’t working out the way you’d like it to

* Interested in discovering new things about yourself

* Doing some things differently, even when it might feel a bit awkward

* Persistent!

Helen concludes: “Engaging with a relationship coach in a relaxed, ongoing and totally confidential conversation will help you to explore what’s getting in the way of achieving your love-life or relationship goals. Just by getting really interested in the whys and wherefores of your current love-story we know you’ll start to see new things about yourself and your approach to life, love, sex, dating and relationships. These insights will allow you to better understand what and how you can do things differently to move closer to having the kind of relationship you really want.”

The post How To Know When It’s Time To Call in The Experts appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

Sex toys have always been a fascinating subject. Whether you love them or hate them they are often a topic that gets mixed reactions from both sexes.

They are not a new idea in Victorian times doctors used a crude type of vibrator to relieve woman of what they called their hysteria!  This wonderful instrument was used to bring a woman to a paroxysm an old-fashioned word for the female orgasm!  The Victorian woman was of course not allowed to experience sexual pleasure she was supposed to lay back and think of England in her quest to procreate. 

My how things have changed! Us modern girls are all about sexual satisfaction. These days’ sex is a two-way street and our pleasure is just as important as the guys we play with. From my experience most guys are eager to please in the orgasm department and will spend endless hours in pursuit of our paroxysm!. They take it as proof that they are sexual athletes of the highest order and can get just as frustrated at us when our orgasm does not arrive on cue.

On most occasions a bit of coaxing and licking or a change of position will usually have the desired result. But what if it doesn’t? Enter the sex toy all bright and shiny and reporting for duty. 

There is an array of choices out there and so many to choose from it is quite bewildering.  I visited an Ann Summers shop recently and was overwhelmed with different colours shapes and spin speeds. The staff in AS are very helpful though, and are happy to give you their own personal experiences of using every one of the bright shiny objects that adorn their shelves. Apparently, it’s company policy for the staff to be up to speed on all new products in every way possible. Don’t you just love that? 

Having made three purchases over as many months I found that as usual it’s a case of you get what you pay for. The most recent purchase bought with a birthday gift card (my friends know me so well) is the mother of all machines and was the most expensive. It’s rechargeable and looks nothing like a men’s appendage. It is purely used for helping when that elusive orgasm is ducking and diving and giving you the run around. 

Whether you go solo with it or hand it to your partner to administer, trust me when I say it is the Rolls Royce of vibrators. It all happens so fast, blink and you’ll miss it.

I read an interesting article in the Metro ( Friday October 21st ) this week about a jilted lover who in a fit of jealous rage had stormed into his ex-girlfriend’s apartment and destroyed her vibrator! complaining that she loved it more than him! She actually took him to court and sued him for the cost of a new one! Yes, really. 

Personally, I would choose a hot blooded man over the plug in variety every time but sometimes just sometimes we all need a little help. If you can get the man in your life involved with your toys then there is less chance of the green- eyed monster rearing its ugly head!  We all know how men love their tools! 

That said what we do with our toys in private is strictly our business. Oh dear I think I am having an attack of the vapours. Call the doctor someone I may need to lie down and I won’t be thinking of England ! Now where did I put those Rabbit Ears?

Gaynor Evans – Sexandthesignposts.com
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For many, divorce it a liberating experience, for others it is a depressing one. Where do you I go from here? How do I date again? What will my life now look like? More than anything, the uncertainty of the future is what troubles new divorcees. The journey ahead can be a fantastic one, if you know which path to take.

Focusing on getting to know men, not getting to know you

Who are you?  No really, who are you? Marriage can be a wonderful thing, but it does alter who you are. Areas of yourself merge into your partner, you adopt traits you never had before, the characteristics that once belonged to you are now shared. This is great and all, it develops who you are a person, making you a richer, more intricate version of yourself. Yet, when you’re cut off from that relationship those areas of your personality become quite confusing.

How much of who you are and how you act is actually you? How much was a temporary change because you spent so much time with your partner? How much has now been adopted by your very self, so much so that you’re unable to see the line between you and not you? These are the questions you must answer before dating after a divorce. Start understanding you, the real you. Is a hobby of yours actually something you’re interested in, or just something you happen to do because your partner did it? Find yourself acting in a particular way that now seems alien to you, was it ever part of your personality or just a mimicry of your ex? It’s amazing how others can have an impact on our lives, but if you don’t spend time distancing yourself from people who are now out of your life, that impact can still remain. How is a new partner supposed to get to know you if the person you’re being isn’t actually you?

How do you do this? Time is the most important factor, these traits will naturally disappear with time. It also helps to acknowledge them, take some time to yourself to observe how you act and behave, think carefully on whether this is me or just a shadow of your ex.

Not recovering from that hit to your social life

For many divorcees, one of the biggest changes they notice is how their social life alters, how it starts to disappear. Don’t worry, this is very common. When you were married you made friends with other married people, many of your connections were through your partner, many of the activities you took part in catered to couples.

The friends you had when you were married are not necessarily no longer your friends. It’s important to remember your marriage didn’t dictate your relationship with these people, it may have instigated it, but it wasn’t an essential part of it. With that being said, you may have to put in some effort in continuing those relationships. Force yourself to reach out to these people and strengthen the bond you already once had. For your friends nothing has really changed, they’re still in their relationships and still have most of the same friends. That means it’s up to you to make contact and ensure your friendship doesn’t disappear.

In doing this try and introduce ‘non-couple’ activities. It’s very easy when you’re in a relationship to fall into a routine of doing couple based hobbies. Branch out and bring in a little innovation to your friendship circle.

Your sole focus is ‘how can the people around me help me‘

In difficult times we look to others for help, but many times we should be doing the opposite and helping others. Have other friends/family members recently become divorced? Did you reach out to them during what may be a difficult time? If you did, great! If you didn’t, you can understand how support is a two-way street.

To enrich your friendship circle, offer help instead of ask for it. Meet new people by volunteering and helping worthwhile causes. Reach out to people who you lost contact with because they were going through a difficult period. It’s surprising how the wonderful feeling of helping others can in turn help you.

‘Hi, I’m Jane, I’m divorced’

Does it sometimes feel you walk around with a name badge that says something like that. Relationships are universal, nearly all cultures have marriages and divorces, millions are divorced and millions are currently married. When a relationship status is so common, does it necessarily need to define you?

You are the same person you were before you were married. Yes, experiences and time may have changed you but it has not removed who you are. We apply categories and groups to understand different people, but we are never just the qualities of those groups, we are so much more complex. That is why assigning yourself as a divorcee, thinking of yourself as a person who is divorced, is a poor mindset to have. You are who you are, you are the same person, you just happen to also have a previous marriage. You must remember it does define you, it is just a small area of the multifaceted person that is you.

Dating has changed

With so many new dating apps, sites, rules, codewords, mannerisms, it may seem impossible to branch out back into the dating world. To get over that fear, simply remember it isn’t a bad thing to now know something. You are new the dating world, you are unfamiliar to many things, enjoy the experience of learning how people now meet and date. Remain open to new experience, enrich these experiences with the insight you’ve gained through your marriage.

Dating sites and apps aren’t a scary place to be. They are also not a one solution fix to your problems. Try these services with an open mind, be aware there may be things you don’t like, but be ready for the experiences that will enthral and delight you.

Toyboy Warehouse has been providing love, lust and romance for 10 years, we have seen how difficult divorce can be, we have seen how freeing it can become. We’ve seen thousands of individuals regain their life and experience joy they never thought they would have when married. Learn to not make the mistakes many new divorcees have and remain open the exciting world that is now in front of you.

The post Dating After Divorce? The 5 Need-to-Know Mistakes You’re Making appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

Someone asked me recently if my sexual preferences were vanilla.

My immediate response was a raised eyebrow and slight panic, because for most of my life, this quote from American Beautysummed my attitude:

“I don’t think that there’s anything worse than being ordinary.”

Vanilla was boring. Vanilla was anathema.

What he was really asking was did I have any kinky preferences and that there was nothing wrong with being ordinary. Except, you know, see above.

Reflection is always revelatory: Damn it! It seems I like vanilla when it comes to sex. In fact, I love it.

I’d flirted with being a dominatrix, with slaps, degrading insults, and bondage. When it came to BDSM, flirting was exactly the level I was comfortable with.

What I found out also is that I really do not like being told what to do or how to do it. A certain amount of instruction is acceptable but apparently there is a line I have subconsciously drawn. I prefer to be very gently guided, shall we say.

So what do I like?

All the usual stuff that most straight¹ people get up to I guess: oral, a little spanking, some role-play, food play², light bondage, sensory deprivation (ooh, yes, please!), group sex, outdoors, video/virtual sex, sexting (big time) and probably a few other things I have forgotten.

The key for me is tenderness, gentleness and playfulness. I like being thrown about sometimes, much as a child loves being thrown up in the air. I like being suspended in mid-air and being in water. I do not like being taken to the edge — asphyxiation, drowning, arms tied behind my back³. Essentially, pain is a major turn off: causing and receiving. I know there is a blurring between pleasure and pain, that is, some pain can be pleasurable, but for me, the range is definitely  limited. Tragically, I appear to be horribly polite as well: I just cannot spit venom, so name-calling is definitely out (writing invective on the other hand…).

I like being stroked lightly and frequently best. Unfortunately, not something I had my decades’ long relationship; he was always just a little too heavy-handed no matter how much I tried to change that. Not surprisingly, it’s what I like doing best too.

I have a bit of knismolagnia — arousal from tickling — and I’m a tickler, rather than a ticklee. I’m remarkably unticklish and get tremendously turned on tickling someone until they’re ready to burst. Of course, they have to be turned on by that, otherwise it doesn’t work. I’d say that’s probably the only “kink” I have.

Sex to me is sweet and messy. Like candy floss or ice-cream. Both best savoured slowly with smiles and giggles. It’s child-like, and at its core, safe.

Does all that make my sexual preferences vanilla?

At a time when my home and creative career destructed, one of my oldest and dearest friends once said to me, “There is nothing wrong with normalcy, you know. God knows, you could do with some of that in your life.” Coming from a doyenne of the fashion world, I bowed to her superior wisdom, and found different ways to feed the need to be out of the ordinary. I had not, until now, even considered that I might not be anything special when it came to sex. Ah! But being creative with what is deemed ordinary, now that‘s the ticket.

The Oxford dictionary defines vanilla as

“Having no special or extra features; ordinary or standard”

If the opposite of that is pain, physical or otherwise, then I am proud to be vanilla. With sprinkles.

¹ In my life, I have gone through periods of preferring women to men. Sometimes, they overlap but I’d say right now I’m 90% straight.

² I met one person who couldn’t bear the idea of mess. So no food play. Or explosions while dressed.

³ Thought I was OK with this. Turns out not. Childhood incident. Long story.

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In my last blog I pointed out the 4 top differences between Romantic Duo and online dating platforms. If you haven’t read it yet I encourage you to do so.

Last time, I pointed out that Matchmaking is still a little-known term and for this reason I decided to tell you a bit more about it and about some challenges that I face.

First of all, Matchmaking is a niche service and very different to other services. It is not  as straight forward as people coming to you, choosing the product, buying it and going.  It is in fact a very responsible role as I deal with people’s feelings . I always try to make it clear at the complimentary meeting about what I can and can’t do. I can’t promise anyone that they will fall in love with a person I introduce them to. My role is to facilitate the introduction, make it happen, find the potential candidate, but as a Matchmaker I can’t guarantee Love.

This is one of the main challenges I face, as people often ask me if I will introduce them to their life partner. I’d love to but I cannot make any guarantees because, as I have said, I work with real people and love is after all something that can only happen at its own pace. Please remember that, as the old saying goes, “it takes two to tango”.

At the first consultation I try to understand my client’s expectations. Sometimes those are not realistic. My challenge is to make them aware of this and be honest. Generally, honesty is appreciated by the client but sometime it is difficult to pass on more negative feedback to the client after their first date. It requires a lot of diplomacy and good communication skills from me.

The greatest challenge for me is not to take things personally. I am not a fortune teller and I am not a God. I cannot be responsible for someone else’s happiness. All I can do is strive to give it a head start, but remember that life is in your own hands and it all depends on you; what you do and how you want to live . You are responsible for your actions, choices and decisions.

If you struggle to find love and would like to meet like- minded people, get in touch now at [email protected] and leave a comment below

Lots of love,

Marzena

Written by Marzena Kubiak, Relationship Expert & founder of Romantic Duo. Offering  a relationship themed workshops such as Toxic Love Retreat and sharing dating tips and advice at various events. Check out: www.romanticduo.co.uk for more details

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I blame Anne Bancroft. There she was, looking like a sexually sublime schoolmistress in The Graduate, asking the gauche Dustin Hoffman “Would you like me to seduce you?”, and the die was cast. All older woman can teach younger men how to become better in bed, a fact which arrives in the post along with your Happy 40th! birthday cards.

While the idea of sleeping with someone simply for the experience isn’t gender specific (hello, all you groupies out there with treasured band t-shirts you still sleep in), it’s definitely a trend amongst articles about dating older women. We’re sexier and better in bed apparently, with a guy “hard-pressed to find a better tutor” for some of the best sex of his life. From having more notches on the bedpost, to more practise between the sheets, to being eager to teach and more confident generally, older women are touted as the ‘been there, done it all’ gatekeepers to a toyboy’s greater sexual satisfaction. Who wouldn’t love to be sent spinning around the bedroom by Kylie, for example?

As an older woman myself, all I can say is .. phew. Intimidating, much?

Yes, I may’ve become sexier and more body-confident as I’ve grown older but dear God, the sexual prowess others confer on me through age alone is a hell of a lot to live up to. I may know what I want in bed but insecurity strikes all of us (especially with someone new; come on, who hasn’t nearly exploded from trying to hold a fart in for too long?).

There are times when I read my messages from younger guys and wince; between the lines I can sense the story in their heads. A story which makes me, an entirely human bag of chemicals, frailties and squidgy stuff, into some kind of sexual granter of wishes. They look at me as a means to a (sticky, visceral, able to repeat on demand) end; I look at me and know that I hog the duvet, laugh like a unplugging drain and, on balance, would far prefer a nice hot cup of tea.

And I’m not alone. Young men may have it even harder (stop sniggering at the back, you); thought to be in their sexual prime, I’ve lost count of the guys who’ve told me about the pressure to perform. Maybe that’s one big plus for younger guys who sleep with older women; they’re more likely to console you than scold you for your unaccountably fallible phallus.

So here’s to you, Mrs Robinson, for setting the bench so high. And here’s to the rest of us; ordinary mortals with fears, hopes and insecurities who can still manage to dance whilst they limbo beneath it. There’s probably a lesson in there somewhere.

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The age of my playmates has never been before a topic of discussion, as in, “Isn’t he a bit young?”.

I bring it up now because there was a brief flurry of a discussion on social media about not dating people under 28 as they’re not “serious enough”. The eyebrow went up and the lips pressed together*. I very carefully refrained from diving in — after all, I married at 22 to someone who was about the same age.  I’d say we were pretty serious.

It really does depend on the definition of serious, I suppose. Like dating, it’s one of those words which means a multitude of things to different individuals.

Back then, serious was move in together, get married, build a life together…. forsaking all others for each other.

To me, now, serious is simply committing to someone exclusively. To put it bluntly, don’t sleep with other people. But even that simple statement requires further definition, particularly in today’s context. For instance, do we agree to delete our profiles from all dating websites? Do we stop talking to those we had connected with? What constitutes cheating?

Sadly, we are not telepaths or empaths. We only have words, and they are poor tools for communicating such complex issues. It’s further snarled up by the fact that what’s important to one person may not even be on the radar of the other. 

Like many singletons, I would like a partner in life, I also have a child, so on the face of it, someone in their early 20s would be unlikely to want to “settle down” with someone like me. It would require a certain maturity, yes?

The thing is, maturity is a funny thing. I know 40-somethings and even 50-somethings who behave like my 6 year old, have not really taken many risks in their lives and have attitudes that would not be out of place in a secondary school. That is not to say that they have not led meaningful lives. My recent dating adventures have shown me that it’s not the number of years lived, it is how they have been lived, and how you choose to live now.

I am firmly middle-aged. Many have observed that I have had a turbulent past and done a lot. But that is only compared to some. In the last six months, I have encountered a handful of under 30s who have done so much more with their relatively short spans. Of those, three have played international sport and lived in different countries. Two have had experiences with death that I would not wish on anyone. One is possibly in a war zone right now. Two of the three are under 25. Collectively, they have taught me so much. They opened my eyes to worlds and concepts that I would not have otherwise encountered. All of them had wonderful stories to tell, had so much energy and such enthusiasm for life, it was invigorating.

Maturity for me, is also about how self-aware you are. How much you can see how your words and actions impact on another person and how much you care about what that effect is. How self-aware were the 20-somethings I’d encountered? This is the trouble with blanket judgments – there will always be wrinkles to trip you up. One was, is, simply astonishing. And continues to impress me with the depth of his mind and character. I am honoured to have made his acquaintance. He is only 23. 

Were any of them looking to “settle down”? No. But before you say, “I told you so”, that doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t if the circumstances arose. I could tell that one definitely wanted to, but the voices that cried, “But you’re only 24!” were loud and troubling.

And here’s the thing that I learned painfully: I will never know if someone will be a life partner. But I may find someone to fashion a life with. And who is to say that it will be a single life? I am now living one that is wholly different to the one I had a year ago. So we may form something that lasts only a year, or it may last 20. A flower that lasts only a season, is no less beautiful. Note that to blossom, that plant needed to be nurtured and given time to grow.

I remain open to the possibilities. Age is just a number, yes, but it is also so much more.

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