UKs Largest Dating and Relationship Site For Older Women And Younger Man

If you’re looking to jump back into the dating world, why not try one of the most active and vibrant dating platforms? For over a decade, Toyboy Warehouse has been matching handsome younger men with mature women. From love, lust to romance, every dating style is catered for. Why not take a look and see for yourself?

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So let me set the scene for you.

My 20-plus-year marriage had ended, a lonely, passionless and pretty miserable final few years. No intimacy, no sex. I had turned into my great-aunt Maud, a dried-up old prune.

During this time I met a guy while taking a course. He was 10 years younger and charming. What followed was an intoxicating foray into text flirting—leaving me quite giddy with rapidly thawing frigidity and the profound realisation that I’d lived my previous 20 years in a sort of coma. That friendship, however, remained platonic.

The attitude of men my own age saddened me, and I became frustrated by their idea of foreplay (not to mention the postcoital narcolepsy five minutes later. So, I told myself, wasn’t it about time I did a little road testing of some younger models? (Purely in the name of market research, you understand…)

I had begun to realise that I’m a nonconformist—a rule-breaker and risk-taker… and, further, that I’m completely comfortable with my own nonconformity. I was 47, and it was about bloody time I celebrated the Rebel Rebel in me.

Around that time an acquaintance told me about a dating website called Toyboy Warehouse. She added that she couldn’t possibly sign up on that site because of insecurities about being overweight/out of shape/unfit/wrinkly/timid… I’ll bet you can already guess my response…

Where do I sign up?

It’s a curious old thing–the word cougar sounds rather threatening and predatory, don’t you think? Yet “threatening” and “predatory” are absolutely not words I would ever use to describe myself. So I was curious as I registered my details, a short, bio, my height, hair colour, AGE and other details, I signed up and held my breath! What world was I entering?

My girlfriends fell into two camps: those utterly horrified by what I was about to embark upon (secretly jealous I reckoned) and those who cheered me on and wanted all the details (maybe just a bit jealous but also excited about living vicariously through me)!

I joined the site because I like a dare!  I was looking for fun, flirting, sex, and education. What I did not expect was that great friendships would develop, along with a level of intimacy that I’d never before experienced before in my life. And, best of all, more attention, devotion and laughter than during two decades of marriage.

And the sex. Oh, the sex was extraordinary. Selfless and attentive and satisfying. You see, the reality is far from the cultural icon of Mrs. Robinson. In fact, the most likely scenario for a woman with a younger partner is that she has arrived at midlife having had a long long-term relationship, few sexual partners, several children, and a pretty boring sex life.

These young men are thrilled to be able to teach an older woman some new tricks!

Why do younger men date older women?

I was curious, so questioned these beautiful young men on their reasons for hanging out with an older woman. (The men I have met are on average 15 years younger than me)—and their answers were enlightening.

• Intelligent conversation
• Independent—An older woman doesn’t NEED a man to validate her existence
• Sexually more adventurous—and happy to try new things
• Sexy without even knowing it—comfortable in her own skin
• Accepting of her partner.
• All woman – the real deal….generally without silicon and self-obsessed grooming practices.
• Able to teach about relationships in a non-threatening way.

In the beginning I did begin a rendezvous by justifying myself, explaining that my body was not that of a 25-year-old; that I’d carried, given birth to, and nursed my children, blah, blah. And then a finger came up to my lips to silence all my disclaimers.

“Have you any idea how amazing I get to feel because YOU chose me?” was the response I got from one beautiful young man.

“I get to be myself with you,” he added. Good grief, I didn’t see that one coming. We get so caught up in our own insecurities about how we look that we lose sight of what’s really important, about who we are on the inside.  I found that in these nontraditional older-younger relationships, both my partner and I got to be who we really are—masks removed.

Ladies, don’t wait until you’re “perfect” before you get out there dating again. Get out there right away and do some exploring—you might just end up having the time of your life.

Haven’t tried Toyboy Warehouse for yourself? Join the Fun

Read more lessons about midlife in Rebecca’s book Best Knickers Always

The post Why I Choose To Date Younger Men appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

Over the years, being in the industry has given us detailed knowledge of which bloggers are blogging from the heart, and which are full of hot air. So your favourite cougar dating site, Toyboy Warehouse, is running through its favorite 15 dating blogs that will provide the tips you need, the anecdotes you crave and a good laugh when all else fails.

1. Dating Goddess: As explained in her Adventures in dating after 40, mature dating sometimes comes with a few unexpected twists, the best way to get past them is by sharing and no blog is better at providing honest, thoughtful musings on dating for 40+ than this.

2. Soon2becatlady: When you need a refreshing giggle at the drama and misadventure that comes with dating in the digital age, I recommend Soon2becatlady (spoiler: she’s not resorted to getting cats just yet!)

3. 40 Days of Dating: follows a unique and interesting social experiment conducted by two good friends, Jessica in Timothy, in New York. Tired of finding opposite problems in their dating lives, they decided to date each other for 40 days – to entertaining and often enlightening effect. (And it went so well, they’re making a book!)

4. DatingAdvice.com: If you’re looking for expert dating advice from people with both the personal and academic qualifications to give it, you might try DatingAdvice.com. As well as providing intelligent advice for both men and women, they also have an expert in mature dating, April Braswell, whose blogs shed light on the challenges of dating for the experienced, but keeps it fun and entertaining too. You can even ask them dating questions via Twitter (@DatingAdviceCom)

5. She Knows: It’s likely in your dating life you’re thinking about your sex life too. Find revealing ideas, frank advice and ideas to heat up your other love life on the She Knows blog.

6. 30 Dates: As well as providing excellent insights with her 30 Dates experiment, Charly Lester’s 30 Dates Blog is an inspiration to anyone looking to create their own dating blog too. Her 30 adventures are a great reminder that when it comes to dating you really have to just get out there.

7. Buzzfeed Dating Blog: If you’re just looking for a laugh or something to pass 15 minutes on your commute, the indisputable masters of quick, easily-digested content is always Buzzfeed. Their dating blogs are guaranteed to amuse you, and their quizzes provide you with useful answers to burning questions such as ‘Which fictional serial killer should I date?‘ (and eventually be killed by).

8. Single Dating Diva: Check out Single Dating Diva if you’re looking for advice to a specific question affecting your love life. Her top tips also contain some cheerful words to keep you smiling when this big ol’ numbers game has got you down.

9. We Love Dates: The definitive mother-load of online dating advice is available at the award winning We Love Dates blog. Their specialty is list blogs that are well known for being irresistibly readable, but without sacrificing strong, actionable advice.

10. Time Out Dating: Keeping up to date with the latest trends in online dating and technology affecting it is easier than ever with the Time Out Dating Blog, now written by 30 Dates’ Charly Lester. The results of their Global Dating Survey will show you which cities are best for dating, which cities are worst for dating and which accent the world finds irresistible (hint, you might like the answer to this one!)

11. Huffington Post: Prolific bloggers across every genre, The Huffington Post Dating Blog will provide you with a lot more than just a list of ‘5 best dating outfits for 2018’. Peruse these dating musings when you’re looking for a serious perspective on modern dating issues.

12. Divorced Girl Smiling: At Toyboy Warehouse, we know how divorce affects you when it comes to getting back on the horse again. Luckily Divorced Girl Smiling‘s blog is devoted to just that. Give it a read when you’re looking for some empathy.

13. Divorced Guy Grinning: And – of course – as divorce is a two way street, the equally excellent Divorced Guy Grinning is there to support men in the same boat and share the problems

14. Men’s Fitness: Providing excellent advice for men (and a good laugh for women) in this interactive mock-dating site, Men’s Fitness created a fake profile and got real expert analysis from professionals and single women. A must for any man who wants to succeed with women as you’ll learn exactly what’s going through her mind when you send a message bragging about your manhood. Check it out.

15. Role Reboot: A personal favorite, the Role Reboot blog is dedicated to challenging out-dated conceptions about men and women’s roles – a subject close to our hearts at Toyboy Warehouse. Expect excellent feminist thought-pieces, personal advice columns and honest story-telling.

There you have it! The top 15 blogs that will help you make 2018 the dating year you want it to be and keep you amused and optimistic along the way. If you’re looking for another recommended blog or specific piece of advice, email in.

Don’t forget the best in dating advice, stories and news – Toyboy Warehouse Blog (we might be a bit biased on that one).

The post 15 Essential Dating Blogs for Singles in 2018 appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

Happy New Year to you all and maybe just maybe the year got off to a good start with some of you finding romance though I have to say the same was not happening for me but I remain optimistic!

And optimistic is exactly how we should all be. The start of a new year heralds the start of another chapter in our lives, another chapter for meeting new and interesting people, another chapter for making promises to ourselves that we even keep, another chapter for pushing away any of those old memories that brought us distress or even tears and another chapter for going down that road to meet the love of your life

However I don’t mean for us all to live in a fantasy world where everything turns out the way it should or indeed the way we want but in a world where a little confidence, enthusiasm and energy can go a long way

The festive period not only brings a lot of joy to many but it can also mean a lot of heartache or loneliness for some. It’s a time of year when we tend to reflect on the past and wonder why yet again we’re putting up the decorations on our own when actually what we’d really like is to be sharing all the festivities with someone special in our lives. Christmas brings it home to us because Christmas radiates warmth and for some reason everyone seems to be smiling, unless of course you’re caught up in the January sale mad rush!!

It’s very much a family time of year and probably the only time family does in fact make the effort to get together so it’s only fitting that you’d want to share the moment but ladies and gentleman do not despair, they are out there because love doesn’t run to a timetable, it doesn’t run to a calendar, it runs into our lives when we least expect

Even on Toyboy Warehouse, we can skip our way through the many profiles, we can come across those we’d like to get to know more about but sadly they may not want to know more about us, we can flip past those we know won’t fit our criteria, we can dismiss others because their charm whilst endearing, leads us to believe they’re not serious or we can actually ignore everything we deem relevant and give people a chance!

If you want to find love, don’t go looking with a checklist. Look with your mind and your heart, not just with your eyes. The world is superficial enough that we forget what really matters, what it really means to be with someone who actually cares about you, who wants to be embroiled with you in happiness, who gets upset when you’re upset and is there to hold and keep you close. Your lover and your friend, not just an oil painting to be admired

On Toyboy Warehouse we have already learnt to throw the age rule book out of the window, now learn to get rid of the checklist that’s holding you back from finding someone that really could be the best thing since sliced bread!

My message to you for the coming year is to embrace life with all the energy you can muster, all the comedy you can share and most of all open your hearts and your minds to allow real love to walk through the door

Remember, a checklist may give you peace of mind but while you’re busy writing it, you may just miss the one person that could be sitting at the top of it. Open minds, open hearts = love.

Make 2017 the year to get it!!
Love Tanya x

The post Ask Tanya | Tanya’s New Year Message appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

WHAT IS THE PERFECT AGE GAP BETWEEN AN OLDER WOMAN AND A YOUNGER MAN?

I have to say I’ve often been asked this question and it’s always a hard one to answer because in reality it all comes down to the maturity of the two people involved and how they feel about it.

I’ve met very mature guys in their 20’s and very immature guys in their 30’s and 40’s so I think it’s hard to specify an actual age gap that can be applied to any decade. At the end of the day love knows no barrier and what suits one won’t necessarily suit another and if I start saying there are limits I’m probably going to get a barrage of complaints from those that found love outside those boundaries

Personally I always used to say that if a guy was younger than my oldest nephew that was going too far. That is until the day came when I got chatting to someone who interested me from the word go with his intelligence, his humour and opinion on various worldly issues that by the time I got to the point of wondering how old he was it didn’t really seem to matter anymore.

Truth was we’d clicked so well together it never came up in conversation until a few dates down the line we happened to be discussing our likes in music which of course varied in terms of what we grew up with which led to the age question. Turned out he was in fact younger than the limit I’d set myself so my own rules had been broken and it seriously didn’t matter. In fact he told me he was concerned I might find him too young and he kept hoping I wouldn’t ask that particular question!

Celebrities of course don’t have that as being in the spotlight means their ages are already known so it never arises.

I also believe there is a time when regardless of age we all tend to level out and generally I find that point is usually around the age of 35-40 years when we’ve generally gained and experienced a few setbacks in life to be able to view things in a more open way. Time is a great leveler for many things and this is no exception

I seriously think generally the fear of dating a guy very much young is not so much the age difference but how others will react. In all walks of life we would all like to be liked for who we are and judged on what we do ( within reason) but there will always be that slight apprehension and the fear that at some point you’ll be faced with the proverbial assumption that he’s in fact your son and not your partner/lover/boyfriend. Unfortunately the likelihood that will happen is high but something you can deal with.

Having been in that situation you can either feel totally mortified and leave the premises as quickly as possible or you can face it head on and politely inform them that he is the man you share your bed with (as I did) and watch the sheer embarrassment on their faces as they find an excuse to move away as quickly as possible. However I accept not everyone is like me but generally leaning over to give your partner a peck on the cheek as only a partner can is usually enough to dispel any assumptions.

Other fears abound if you have children as it has been known for the guy to in fact be younger than her own children which can work either way. They’ll either see him as an equal in terms of their wavelength or they’ll see him as a threat but one good thing about having a partner within their age group is they are usually on the same wavelength on many other levels so could really help to bridge that gap when required

Whatever the age difference, if you are both perfectly comfortable with each others company then the years don’t matter. Life is short enough and include many barriers so the best thing to do is not put up your own and enjoy it!

Tanya x

The post Ask Tanya | The Age Old Question appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

International Clairvoyant & Psychic Janine Wilbraham

Location: Mid Wales

‘If you want to be told what you want to hear this lady is not for you’. That’s from a testimonial of one of Janine’s happy clients. So many clairvoyants see their work as simply making people feel good, appeasing to their own desires. Excellent clairvoyants challenge your preconceptions, take you out of comfort zone to face things you may feel nervous about facing. Our panel has judged Janine firmly in this category and that’s why she’s made our list.

Why stop at being psychic for humans? Janine also possesses the fantastic title of Animal Communicator. She has a renowned reputation of being able to communicate with horses, not to simply ‘tell what they’re thinking’ but rather as a means of healing and cementing the connection between animal and owner.

Janine’s latest book teaches how you can become an animal communicator too. Can You Hear Me? The Psychic Animal Communicator is available now, click here to get your copy.

Ask the Psychic – Joanna Scott

Location: East Midlands

What makes someone psychic? That’s a question our panel has wrestled with in their deliberations for this list. To them it’s a different way of thinking, being able to connect dots, linking yourself to someone else’s life and seeing how it’ll play out.

Joanna possesses this ability in spades.

For some of you, you may already recognise Joanna. She works on Psychic Today TV, offering advice and insights to thousands of people across the country. She offers 1:1 sessions in everything from tarot card readings, numerology, etc. She also conducts party bookings, email readings, phone readings and lots more. If it existed, she’d win the title of UK’s hardest working psychic.

Why else do we love her? Just like us she’s dedicated to finding you love. Her book The Love Key is the first book to combine psychic love advice with dating know-how. Helping you to use psychic intuition in your own dating experiences. You can get your own copy here.

International Psychic/Clairvoyant Raymond Worthy

Location: UK

With the suffocating quality of modern life, it can be difficult to see the wider meaning of the universe. With so many decisions, obstacles to our goals and negative experiences, happiness is sometimes a difficult thing to grasp. Raymond offers a revolutionary alternative through his ability to ‘speak with angelic insight’.

Raymond was nominated primarily because of the positive effect he has had on the lives of a number of individuals. He tries to clear the fog of busy, everyday life making it easier to see how you can reach your goals. Our panel also commend Raymond on his excellent reading accuracy.

Raymond offers expert email readings and attends loads of great events across the UK. You can find Raymond at the The Psyche Gold Halloween Psychic Fair on October 30th, 2016.

Psychic Caressa

Location: London and South East

For many individuals, the time when they see a psychic or clairvoyant is during a dark period in their life; maybe through grief, a personal struggle or any other significant problem. Caressa was nominated to our panel because of her fantastic work helping people during these dark times. Alongside an excellent clairvoyant and psychic service, she offers stress therapy and a number of life changing treatments. Caressa understands the therapeutic capabilities of her psychic work and how they can provide unbelievable results when combined with other treatments.

The panel also noted her work giving relationships advice and helping to achieve personal goals. All of which makes Caressa an excellent addition to our list.

You can get in touch with Caressa about her services by emailing [email protected].

London Psychic & Clairvoyant Sasha Bonasin

Location: London

Sasha offers one of the widest ranges of psychic services we’ve come across. Tarot cards, coffe cup readings, tea leaves readings, palm readings, spiritual healing, mediumship and more, Sasha offers it all.

That’s not to say with quantity comes a reduce in quality. Sasha works to understand you, your problems, your life, your energy, etc. and then finds the best service for you. He offers insight into your future, connection with the spirit world, as well assistance with your own psychic abilities. The panel commended Sasha on his versatility and accuracy across a wide range of specialisms.

You can get in touch with Sasha on [email protected] for his Skype and 1:1 readings. We especially like his emergency service which will connect you to Sasha within 1 day, something we haven’t seen before.

The post Psychics Near Me: The Best UK Psychics, Mediums & Clairvoyants 16/17 appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

Toyboy dater Gaynor Evans, 56, has recently gotten quite a bit of attention among the papers. Why you may ask. Glamorous grandmother Gaynor claims to have picked up over 100 toyboys because it feels sexy and empowering.

Us at Toyboy Warehouse know full well the benefits of toyboy dating, as well as the new lease of life it can give you. Gaynor embodies that with her fun-loving, confident attitude. Gaynor says she enjoys dating younger men because they know what they want and she’s not looking to be tied down anytime soon.

Everyone has a preferred age range, for cougar Gaynor she prefers her men 25-35 because they have more passion, both in and outside the bedroom. From lawyers to bankers, from Australia to Switzerland she’s found excitement from a various different toyboys.

While she prefers muscles, Gaynor says it’s not all about looks. ‘I like a brain. I like intelligence’.

Gaynor’s love story didn’t start with with toyboys however. At the age of 18 she was married and not long after had three children. But after difficulties in the marriage Gaynor decided she had to leave.

Not to let her relationship ending bring her down she decided to ‘re-invent’ herself. I ‘lost weight, went to the beauticians and started going out with my daughters’. She quickly started to attract younger men and it didn’t take long for Gaynor to start her toyboy adventure.

Gaynor is one of our proud ambassadors and we so glad to see the attention her wonderful experiences have had. Follow her blog Sexandthesignposts.com or check her out on Twitter @gingerbirdevans.

Source: DailyMail

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The age of my playmates has never been before a topic of discussion, as in, “Isn’t he a bit young?”.

I bring it up now because there was a brief flurry of a discussion on social media about not dating people under 28 as they’re not “serious enough”. The eyebrow went up and the lips pressed together*. I very carefully refrained from diving in — after all, I married at 22 to someone who was about the same age.  I’d say we were pretty serious.

It really does depend on the definition of serious, I suppose. Like dating, it’s one of those words which means a multitude of things to different individuals.

Back then, serious was move in together, get married, build a life together…. forsaking all others for each other.

To me, now, serious is simply committing to someone exclusively. To put it bluntly, don’t sleep with other people. But even that simple statement requires further definition, particularly in today’s context. For instance, do we agree to delete our profiles from all dating websites? Do we stop talking to those we had connected with? What constitutes cheating?

Sadly, we are not telepaths or empaths. We only have words, and they are poor tools for communicating such complex issues. It’s further snarled up by the fact that what’s important to one person may not even be on the radar of the other. 

Like many singletons, I would like a partner in life, I also have a child, so on the face of it, someone in their early 20s would be unlikely to want to “settle down” with someone like me. It would require a certain maturity, yes?

The thing is, maturity is a funny thing. I know 40-somethings and even 50-somethings who behave like my 6 year old, have not really taken many risks in their lives and have attitudes that would not be out of place in a secondary school. That is not to say that they have not led meaningful lives. My recent dating adventures have shown me that it’s not the number of years lived, it is how they have been lived, and how you choose to live now.

I am firmly middle-aged. Many have observed that I have had a turbulent past and done a lot. But that is only compared to some. In the last six months, I have encountered a handful of under 30s who have done so much more with their relatively short spans. Of those, three have played international sport and lived in different countries. Two have had experiences with death that I would not wish on anyone. One is possibly in a war zone right now. Two of the three are under 25. Collectively, they have taught me so much. They opened my eyes to worlds and concepts that I would not have otherwise encountered. All of them had wonderful stories to tell, had so much energy and such enthusiasm for life, it was invigorating.

Maturity for me, is also about how self-aware you are. How much you can see how your words and actions impact on another person and how much you care about what that effect is. How self-aware were the 20-somethings I’d encountered? This is the trouble with blanket judgments – there will always be wrinkles to trip you up. One was, is, simply astonishing. And continues to impress me with the depth of his mind and character. I am honoured to have made his acquaintance. He is only 23. 

Were any of them looking to “settle down”? No. But before you say, “I told you so”, that doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t if the circumstances arose. I could tell that one definitely wanted to, but the voices that cried, “But you’re only 24!” were loud and troubling.

And here’s the thing that I learned painfully: I will never know if someone will be a life partner. But I may find someone to fashion a life with. And who is to say that it will be a single life? I am now living one that is wholly different to the one I had a year ago. So we may form something that lasts only a year, or it may last 20. A flower that lasts only a season, is no less beautiful. Note that to blossom, that plant needed to be nurtured and given time to grow.

I remain open to the possibilities. Age is just a number, yes, but it is also so much more.

The post Isn’t he a bit young? appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

In a first for Radio 4’s Desert Island Discs Minogue, 47, gave the choice of one of her eight tracks to her “new beau” and “huge fan” of the show, 28 year-old British actor Joshua Sasse.

“I would like to have a surprise from Josh,” she tells presenter Kirsty Young. “I don’t know what he has done, but I figured if I was a castaway on an island, I would like to know what someone else thought, particularly my love.” 

So, did the young Sasse show some sass? It would be so easy to flatter her with something from her back-catalogue. Something that tells her she’s just smart, or beautiful, or sexy.

But instead Sasse did something far smarter; he chose to appeal to her mind AND her heart. The son of the late Romantic poet Dominic Sasse, he created a sensually intimate gift. With only a simple accompaniment he reads to her ‘As I Look Up’, one of his father’s most erotic poems, which climaxes with;

“I would bend to press my eager face into your neck, where the secret flesh is furred like peaches behind a curtain of caramel scented curls. Without asking, I would pull you down with my devoted hands to express, my fluent tongue to endear. We would smear our mouths with ardent kisses and cry aloud from loving, as we lay beneath the arches of that careless wanton day.”

No wonder “I think I stopped breathing for half of that. Breathe, Minogue!” was her emotional response.

Gentlemen, the bar has been raised. While few woman would want such erotic lines to fill a first message on Toyboy Warehouse, picking something personally meaningful or poetic is enticing once dating’s begun. Older woman are sought for their intelligence and sensuality; appeal to that, and perhaps some “ardent kisses” will soon take YOUR breathe away.

The post Toyboy has Kylie spinning around on her Desert Island Discs appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

In the last few weeks, the Twittersphere was all a flutter with the story of a dating blogger who was slammed by a troll who accused our heroine of being the reason that men to expect sex on the first date.

Some women, like myself, hope to have sex on the first date if that date rings our bell*. If anyone, regardless of gender, expects sex, then they’re not worth going on a second date with until they evolve a whole lot more.

However, this issue happened to turn up on my media channels just as I started examining my dating motives.

I’d been having a marvellous time at TBW – being “courted”, as it were, by a carousel of beautiful, young men was intoxicating – how could it not? And been on a several dates all of which culminated in lovely orgasms. Only one of whom I’d seen more than once.

I’d never done the Tinder thing, so I can’t compare the experience. And the last time I went “on the pull” was well over 20 years ago. But essentially, these were hook ups. With added sparkling, intelligent, wide-ranging conversation. My particular brand of aphrodisiac.

Like my heroine of the sex on the first date storm, I enjoy sex and I don’t see why sleeping with a man on the first would automatically make me a slut and/or preclude a second. There was one whom I wanted to see again and, ugh, I developed a crush on. Luckily for me, he turned out to be a class A arsehole so I am glad I didn’t see him again. Another… well, I didn’t want to see again, but he’s persisting and I’m not resisting, mainly because I’m curious to see what happens.

But then I started feeling dissatisfied. Was it because I wasn’t seeing them again? Was it that I was really ready for a… relationship?

So I decided to give not sleeping with a hot boy a go. The result was that I wish I had fucked one witty, sensitive, gorgeous young man’s brains out instead of holding back. Because, guess what? I didn’t see him again. My hormones were practically screaming at me to go for it, but nooooo, I chose to go against my nature and denied myself for… what exactly?

Coincidentally, I discovered Dr Zhana Vrangalova, her excellent Tedx talk “Is Casual Sex Bad for You” which shed a little light on why I was feeling so discombobulated. She asked certain questions which should help to clarify if casual sex was for me but it turns out that I’m not so clear cut in my desires (her Casual Sex Project by the way is pretty awesome).

What the denial did show me though, was that I craved intimacy, which I wasn’t getting from the encounters. And I thought back to one of the things I learned earlier this year about how long-lasting happy relationships came about: friendship first, forming an emotional bond, leading to intimacy.

The problem is, I am currently in a situation where meeting new friends is not so easy. In fact, it’s a lot easier to arrange a hook up. Wham, bam, thank you, young man. Perhaps, the cause for the unhappy was that the encounters were too often and too close together? So right now, I am allowing myself to be pleasantly distracted by a hot boy who is teasing me with thoughtful intercourse on lust, need and sexual motives. I know he just wants to do me. But he also seems to like me for me, and tells me frequently how sexy he finds me. He once astutely observed that my ego loves him, which is why I’m talking to him. And he’s right. He’s young, he’s full of life, and he’s so easy on the eye, I am the envy of the 20-something women he should be dating.

Until I can figure out how I can make new friends, I’ll make do with new playmates. Don’t mistake me: I like my own company, but sometimes it’s nice to have someone else to stroke. If I can’t have a deep, meaningful friendship with the oh-my-god, I can at least have the orgasm. Not too shabby, I’d say.

*What an anti-masturbation Christian website delightfully coined “ringing the devil’s doorbell.” LOVE it. Incidentally, the one I didn’t fuck: I didn’t see him again because he lived 3 hours’ travel away. Stupid girl. Should have seen that one coming. Lesson learned.

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In the nine months or so I’ve been on Toyboy Warehouse I’ve told only a handful of friends about it (including my two grown-up kids).  I kind of knew all along what was holding me back, sniffing the possibility of disapproval in the air; the judgement of those who believe I should live by the creed of what they think a woman of my age should be doing – or not doing!

However, my life began to feel like it was divided in two: those who knew and those who didn’t, and I felt increasingly uncomfortable with that. So I decided to start being more open about it all. Why the hell shouldn’t I tell everyone who answers to the call of ‘friend’ that I’m having a good time with younger men?

But oh … eyebrows raise … mouths gawp open … reactions vary from a genuine ‘that’s fantastic’ to a sharp move away from the subject on to more mundane things. Men, since time began – or since anyone starting counting – have rushed off into a middle-aged sunset and the arms of girls twenty or more years younger than them, often leaving in their wake distressed wives of many years and confused young adult kids. People have always talked about waiting until kids are grown-up before leaving a marriage but statistically, the worst time – the time most likely to topple them into a depression – is when they are between the ages of 18 and 25.

Yet, when Middle-Aged Man does this, although there will be cries of disapproval, there will also be the secret asides of nudge-nudge, wink-wink, ‘I didn’t know old so-and-so had it in him’, and Middle-Aged Man acquires a new and enviable status. His assumed sexual prowess will be celebrated; he’ll become a token of envy amongst his peers (other men of course).  Middle-Aged Woman, however, doesn’t enjoy the same reaction.

Even a middle-aged woman who hasn’t broken up any marriages or upset any kids; told any lies or ruffled any other woman’s feathers – expectations of her are different. We may be in a world of rich and famous cougars hitting the headlines but ‘gorgeous women dating younger men’ hasn’t hit most ordinary lives yet.

I’m hoping this is all a middle-aged, generational thing and society is growing out of this sexist attitude to relationships. After all, does it really matter whether the man or the woman is the elder? And an age gap is just a number of years (‘What’s in a name?’ asked Juliet; ‘What’s in an age?’ ask I) and being with someone and both of you being happy is more about playing by the same rules and having the same expectations than counting numbers.

Someone’s emotional and sexual maturity isn’t by default linked to their age; finding someone sexy, fun and great company isn’t about their age or yours. Sure there are fantasies to be played out – the older woman; the younger man – but in the end this isn’t what necessarily makes a relationship work. So, here am I, going defiantly into a future full of possibilities. Seizing what’s best in the moment and living life to the full – and having fun!  And if anyone has a problem with that, let them not go by the name of ‘friend’.

KatJG

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