For years there’s always been debate around the ‘three date rule’, before actually going to bed with someone. But times change, people change and what was then, isn’t necessarily now!

There have always been double standards – if a man goes around sleeping with as many women as he can manage, he’s considered a real stud by his friends; but should a woman participate in the same sexual freedom, she is deemed a slag. So guys, you wonder why many of us keep you on the back burner? Well, generally it’s because you make us!

Times and attitudes have changed, women are more in control of their sexual freedom than any time in the last century. We know what we want, when we want it and how we want it, which I have had men tell me scares the crap out of them!

We are no longer willing to lay back and think of England, we are more likely to make you lay back and take control of the situation. We are liberated women, prepared to make our choices and make them vocal. Admittedly, this doesn’t apply to everyone but predominantly we are stronger and more confident with each passing decade

Like most women of my generation, we lived at home until we went to university or college, we met a man, we dated, we fell in love and we got married. We didn’t live together, it was a common thing to do and I can still hear my parents telling me that couples that did were ‘living in sin’. That’s not to say they were staunch churchgoers, it was just how it was and I followed the norm.

I didn’t date a great deal, though my dating was probably restricted to one ‘serious’ type relationship at 14/15 which lasted 8 months though no sex ever took place in any way whatsoever. I was obviously underage anyway but whilst it entered his mind it certainly didn’t mine! When I married he was only the second man in my life so any physical connection I had was with him. I felt safe and secure and that was important

By the time I divorced, whilst I was no longer naïve about life, I certainly was sexually and it took me a year to even believe I was single and actually date someone. What I realised as time went on was how much I wanted to explore and meeting my next serious relationship, the three date rule never came into play. I knew I wanted him and I knew he wanted me so effectively I decided that, as we’d been communicating for a couple of weeks (I was introduced via a friend), to hell with the rule because I was climbing the walls!

That night I had the most amazing sex ever and fortunately I was lucky that it continued for the 7 years we were together. He opened my eyes, he helped me lose inhibitions and he allowed me to explore my ‘side’, but he was also fortunate to have met me when my self-confidence was growing.

Finding me took years, where today young women are finding themselves much earlier. Though my concern is that too much is considered the norm these days and pressure is put upon women, who are not strong enough to say no.

More mature women on the other hand ARE strong enough to control situations, to let it run at their pace, to do what they want to rather than feel they have to. As a consequence, I find many younger men love the control and dominance of an older woman, which by all accounts suits me perfectly haha!

The level of dominance, of course, depends on the people involved but of the men I’ve discussed this with it seems with younger girls they find it very easy to be the dominant one, but with older women they are drawn in by the confidence and strength, and will quite happily follow their lead.

Dominance can vary from a little control with just directive orders, to full-blown sub/dom clothing, shackles, masks etc. Some people would think this a little freaky, but in all fairness who are we to judge what suits? Just because its not something we would venture into, doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong.

With sexual freedom brings the right to be experimental, whatever that encompasses, and as long as it doesn’t over step boundaries of legality, what does it matter? Sex between two consenting adults is what freedom is all about. It’s about making that connection, although I wouldn’t raise the subject on your first date, it might be a little intimidating until you’re sure of what your potential partner is into.

This goes back to one of my earlier comments about watching, listening and talking because by doing this you get to know your partner well, which will give you an indication as to how far things can go. Communication is always key whatever you want to do but always remember everyone has a right to say NO.

Domination can be fun but also hugely satisfying for both parties. For the dominant one, the idea of controlling someone’s actions and allowing their own gratification as ordered is a huge turn on and for the submissive, being ordered and controlled and even held back can heighten sexual tension and add to any eventual orgasm which may be forthcoming.

For many men the sheer desire to please is overwhelming as this goes against the grain, where men have generally held the upper hand. Women in turn are enjoying the more dominant role and some believe they are getting back what they truly deserve.

Domination for women can also help overcome any inhibitions when it comes to telling a partner how they want to be kissed, licked etc., as whilst they may find it intimidating, looking into the eye of their partner, telling a submissive is totally different and covers up any fears. Telling a submissive what and how you want them to do something means you finally get the pleasure in the way you’ve been wanting for ages, but daren’t say and many submissive are more than happy to please you!

Role play can be very pleasurable for many who indulge and I’m very much of the ‘don’t knock it until you’ve tried it’ tribe, as you never know what it can enhance and bring out for your own enjoyment as well as your partner. Don’t be shy to experiment but take it slowly, that way you get to feel the true pleasure of what you do, rather than anything rushed

I am only giving you an insight, but happy to discuss in greater detail if any of you would like to or use me as a soundboard. But in the meantime, remember playtime is me time.

Have fun!!

Tanya x

The post Ask Tanya | Are Women More In Control? appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

Monopoly is one of those games that can make or break relationships. It can seem to go on forever, and the objective of ‘having it all’ can bring out the competitive or defeatist side in all of us. There are so many editions of Monolpoly that even the most hardcore fans of the game can become broke trying to have them all. But even if Darth Vader lands on a Disney Castle at Times Square, the rules of the game are essentially the same.

Unlike Monopoly, relationships do not come with a rulebook in the box, and can be all the more confusing for it. There aren’t a specified number of players, and the rules are generally made up each time you play. Nobody wants to play a game where the rules are too confusing, mostly because the competitive part of us wants to be able to ‘win’. But without rules we can agree on, there is no game, and where is the fun in that?

It’s said that cheaters never prosper, but that’s not strictly true. Cheaters prosper very well in the short-term, or else there would be no point in cheating in the first place. As soon as you’re found out cheating, you may find other players don’t want to play with you any more. Unless of course you happen to be a celebrity, in which case you can sell your side of the story to a glossy magazine and get to play all over again. But for those of us who don’t have the lime light shining on us, we have to play by the rules, or else we Go To Jail. Metaphorically of course.

There are two ways of playing games with others, the Mono, and the Poly, like in relationships. Both ways of playing can be a lot of fun for all involved, but unless we know the rules of how to play, no one has any fun and we can end up picking up the pieces by ourselves.

Mono- The classic two-player game. In this game, there is no room for a third wheel, even having a non-playing banker can complicate things. For Monogamers, the game and the rules can be negotiated quite simply,. The downside is, once you get to know your opponent, you get to know the way they play the game very well, and winning can come easily when you understand their strategies. When there is a lack of competition, the game loses any element of fun you had originally.

If you want to keep playing with your player-two but are feeling monotonous, try playing a different two-player game like Checkers or Chess. When you play two-player games, remember that playing with each other is more important than winning or losing.

Poly- The more complicated game for more veteran players. The Polygamers have rules that may boggle the minds of the Monogamers, but there’s no doubt that their games are just as enjoyable for them. By having more than two players, there is more competition to who will end up ‘having it all’, but that doesn’t necessarily have to be the case. It is entirely possible for someone to be playing in a Polygame, whilst thinking they’re playing a Monogame, in which case they have already lost because they don’t even know what game they’re playing.

If you want to be in a Polygame, or be a Polygamer, you need to be honest with whoever you play with. Trying to win a game without letting the other players know the rules is just as bad as cheating, and you can soon end up playing by yourself.

Whatever game you want to play, Monopoly, Chess, The Game of Life, the only way to win is to learn how to lose. Winning every time soon loses it’s appeal, and playing the same game over and over is just plain boring. So pick up the dice and roll, you never know the outcome until you take a Chance.

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For many, divorce it a liberating experience, for others it is a depressing one. Where do you I go from here? How do I date again? What will my life now look like? More than anything, the uncertainty of the future is what troubles new divorcees. The journey ahead can be a fantastic one, if you know which path to take.

Focusing on getting to know men, not getting to know you

Who are you?  No really, who are you? Marriage can be a wonderful thing, but it does alter who you are. Areas of yourself merge into your partner, you adopt traits you never had before, the characteristics that once belonged to you are now shared. This is great and all, it develops who you are a person, making you a richer, more intricate version of yourself. Yet, when you’re cut off from that relationship those areas of your personality become quite confusing.

How much of who you are and how you act is actually you? How much was a temporary change because you spent so much time with your partner? How much has now been adopted by your very self, so much so that you’re unable to see the line between you and not you? These are the questions you must answer before dating after a divorce. Start understanding you, the real you. Is a hobby of yours actually something you’re interested in, or just something you happen to do because your partner did it? Find yourself acting in a particular way that now seems alien to you, was it ever part of your personality or just a mimicry of your ex? It’s amazing how others can have an impact on our lives, but if you don’t spend time distancing yourself from people who are now out of your life, that impact can still remain. How is a new partner supposed to get to know you if the person you’re being isn’t actually you?

How do you do this? Time is the most important factor, these traits will naturally disappear with time. It also helps to acknowledge them, take some time to yourself to observe how you act and behave, think carefully on whether this is me or just a shadow of your ex.

Not recovering from that hit to your social life

For many divorcees, one of the biggest changes they notice is how their social life alters, how it starts to disappear. Don’t worry, this is very common. When you were married you made friends with other married people, many of your connections were through your partner, many of the activities you took part in catered to couples.

The friends you had when you were married are not necessarily no longer your friends. It’s important to remember your marriage didn’t dictate your relationship with these people, it may have instigated it, but it wasn’t an essential part of it. With that being said, you may have to put in some effort in continuing those relationships. Force yourself to reach out to these people and strengthen the bond you already once had. For your friends nothing has really changed, they’re still in their relationships and still have most of the same friends. That means it’s up to you to make contact and ensure your friendship doesn’t disappear.

In doing this try and introduce ‘non-couple’ activities. It’s very easy when you’re in a relationship to fall into a routine of doing couple based hobbies. Branch out and bring in a little innovation to your friendship circle.

Your sole focus is ‘how can the people around me help me‘

In difficult times we look to others for help, but many times we should be doing the opposite and helping others. Have other friends/family members recently become divorced? Did you reach out to them during what may be a difficult time? If you did, great! If you didn’t, you can understand how support is a two-way street.

To enrich your friendship circle, offer help instead of ask for it. Meet new people by volunteering and helping worthwhile causes. Reach out to people who you lost contact with because they were going through a difficult period. It’s surprising how the wonderful feeling of helping others can in turn help you.

‘Hi, I’m Jane, I’m divorced’

Does it sometimes feel you walk around with a name badge that says something like that. Relationships are universal, nearly all cultures have marriages and divorces, millions are divorced and millions are currently married. When a relationship status is so common, does it necessarily need to define you?

You are the same person you were before you were married. Yes, experiences and time may have changed you but it has not removed who you are. We apply categories and groups to understand different people, but we are never just the qualities of those groups, we are so much more complex. That is why assigning yourself as a divorcee, thinking of yourself as a person who is divorced, is a poor mindset to have. You are who you are, you are the same person, you just happen to also have a previous marriage. You must remember it does define you, it is just a small area of the multifaceted person that is you.

Dating has changed

With so many new dating apps, sites, rules, codewords, mannerisms, it may seem impossible to branch out back into the dating world. To get over that fear, simply remember it isn’t a bad thing to now know something. You are new the dating world, you are unfamiliar to many things, enjoy the experience of learning how people now meet and date. Remain open to new experience, enrich these experiences with the insight you’ve gained through your marriage.

Dating sites and apps aren’t a scary place to be. They are also not a one solution fix to your problems. Try these services with an open mind, be aware there may be things you don’t like, but be ready for the experiences that will enthral and delight you.

Toyboy Warehouse has been providing love, lust and romance for 10 years, we have seen how difficult divorce can be, we have seen how freeing it can become. We’ve seen thousands of individuals regain their life and experience joy they never thought they would have when married. Learn to not make the mistakes many new divorcees have and remain open the exciting world that is now in front of you.

The post Dating After Divorce? The 5 Need-to-Know Mistakes You’re Making appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

Someone asked me recently if my sexual preferences were vanilla.

My immediate response was a raised eyebrow and slight panic, because for most of my life, this quote from American Beautysummed my attitude:

“I don’t think that there’s anything worse than being ordinary.”

Vanilla was boring. Vanilla was anathema.

What he was really asking was did I have any kinky preferences and that there was nothing wrong with being ordinary. Except, you know, see above.

Reflection is always revelatory: Damn it! It seems I like vanilla when it comes to sex. In fact, I love it.

I’d flirted with being a dominatrix, with slaps, degrading insults, and bondage. When it came to BDSM, flirting was exactly the level I was comfortable with.

What I found out also is that I really do not like being told what to do or how to do it. A certain amount of instruction is acceptable but apparently there is a line I have subconsciously drawn. I prefer to be very gently guided, shall we say.

So what do I like?

All the usual stuff that most straight¹ people get up to I guess: oral, a little spanking, some role-play, food play², light bondage, sensory deprivation (ooh, yes, please!), group sex, outdoors, video/virtual sex, sexting (big time) and probably a few other things I have forgotten.

The key for me is tenderness, gentleness and playfulness. I like being thrown about sometimes, much as a child loves being thrown up in the air. I like being suspended in mid-air and being in water. I do not like being taken to the edge — asphyxiation, drowning, arms tied behind my back³. Essentially, pain is a major turn off: causing and receiving. I know there is a blurring between pleasure and pain, that is, some pain can be pleasurable, but for me, the range is definitely  limited. Tragically, I appear to be horribly polite as well: I just cannot spit venom, so name-calling is definitely out (writing invective on the other hand…).

I like being stroked lightly and frequently best. Unfortunately, not something I had my decades’ long relationship; he was always just a little too heavy-handed no matter how much I tried to change that. Not surprisingly, it’s what I like doing best too.

I have a bit of knismolagnia — arousal from tickling — and I’m a tickler, rather than a ticklee. I’m remarkably unticklish and get tremendously turned on tickling someone until they’re ready to burst. Of course, they have to be turned on by that, otherwise it doesn’t work. I’d say that’s probably the only “kink” I have.

Sex to me is sweet and messy. Like candy floss or ice-cream. Both best savoured slowly with smiles and giggles. It’s child-like, and at its core, safe.

Does all that make my sexual preferences vanilla?

At a time when my home and creative career destructed, one of my oldest and dearest friends once said to me, “There is nothing wrong with normalcy, you know. God knows, you could do with some of that in your life.” Coming from a doyenne of the fashion world, I bowed to her superior wisdom, and found different ways to feed the need to be out of the ordinary. I had not, until now, even considered that I might not be anything special when it came to sex. Ah! But being creative with what is deemed ordinary, now that‘s the ticket.

The Oxford dictionary defines vanilla as

“Having no special or extra features; ordinary or standard”

If the opposite of that is pain, physical or otherwise, then I am proud to be vanilla. With sprinkles.

¹ In my life, I have gone through periods of preferring women to men. Sometimes, they overlap but I’d say right now I’m 90% straight.

² I met one person who couldn’t bear the idea of mess. So no food play. Or explosions while dressed.

³ Thought I was OK with this. Turns out not. Childhood incident. Long story.

The post When Vanilla is Better than Chocolate appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

The delusion of the age-­gap defence against intimacy

“I have to admit,” said Sheila, “when I first saw Jordan I thought he was ridiculously cute; but, really, all I wanted to do was seduce him. Oh, hell, it was exciting thinking about having such a hot playmate!”

“Yeah,” agreed Jordan, “I was really into it, and didn’t know or care if it lasted. The sex totally worked. Then, when it started to lose momentum, we had to deal actual feelings because ­ who knew? We were starting to care about each other.”

Many people run into the moment in their relationships when they have to decide if they’re interested in going deeper or moving on. going to deepen their relationship, or move on to the next guy or girl. It seems to work for some people, but others find themselves, time after time, left lonely and unsatisfied, like something is wrong with them or the people they meet. And it can make them cynical about relationships in general.

Even when the sex is great, we sometimes pay a hidden cost: unawareness of both how exciting and how challenging emotional intimacy is. That lack of awareness can be what keeps the relationship from moving forward.

Sheila continued, “Sixteen years age difference seemed enough to make sure our relationship couldn’t get too real; that I wouldn’t get too close and then get hurt again when it didn’t work out. I thought that since Jordan was so much younger I was pretty safe from letting Jordan become important enough in my life to make me emotionally vulnerable.”

“What did I think?” queried Jordan to himself, whimsically, “Hah! I didn’t think about it at all ­­at first. All I could think was how hot she was­­ and that I wanted more. Sheila’s just the type of beautiful, sexy woman I’ve always dreamed of being with. It started out as a fantasy, but it became a lot more important than that pretty fast. We were learning from each other and getting closer and closer.”

There are ways of relating—sexual and otherwise—that protect us from being overwhelmed by the anxiety of being open and vulnerable to other people. This is especially likely to develop with people with whom we could actually experience intimacy, and who also want intimacy ­­the “good matches” who let us see that they’re caring and loving people. Seemingly paradoxically, the returned offer of intimacy is precisely what makes intimacy threatening.

“I deliberately and strategically went after younger men because I didn’t want serious dating ­just great sex!” exclaimed Sheila. At that point in my life, I’d had enough of that wringer and was ready to just enjoy the hot guys I could attract for the reasons I wanted them.’”

“And,”Jordan jumped in, “it was a lot of fun making older women feel good, but especially Sheila. I would tell myself that it wasn’t ‘just a game’ for me; that it made me feel useful, powerful. But looking back, I realize that it really was all ‘all about me,’ ­ not ‘us’ ­ no matter who the woman was.”

“Well, at first, though,” admitted Sheila, “I had no problem with taking what he offered ­ great sex,distraction from my crazy work life, and making me feel better in, oh, so many ways.”

“Yeah, I didn’t mind that either,” Jordan winked.

Sometimes the false sense of security that nothing’s gonna happen here,that we’re just “friends with benefits,” backfires: the emotional defense system we’ve created gets pierced by somebody, who finds the way to our heart often before we even realize it. The tacit agreement not to touch or be touched begins to unravel just as silently, exposing us to the emotional danger of intimacy, which we’ve carefully averted through a created defence system called irrelationship.

“It was hard to admit, especially to myself,” said Sheila. “Jordan was unlike anyone I’ve ever met. His age had nothing to do with it. He’s present in a way that makes me feel alive. That wasn’t the way it was supposed to go.”

“Yeah. That definitely wasn’t where I expected things to go when I first met Sheila. But pretty quickly it became a lot deeper than I’d planned on. Her openness and honesty about not wanting to get burned again cut straight to my heart, even though we weren’t looking for anything serious.”

“We agreed from the first that it was just going to be casual,” said Sheila.

“Yeah,” Jason agreed. “We did. We sure did.”

The post Mind the Gap appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

Valentine’s Day came and went quietly in my house. I spent it with the love of my life who gave me a handmade card of a single heart — the six year-old version of minimalist style.

As usual, Commercial Love Day was everywhere I went, and plastered all over the Internet. Everyone was urged to show their love with all the usual trappings: flowers, champagne, cards and so many hearts in a every conceivable material that it made me slightly nauseous. But it did get me thinking about romance.

It made me wonder, do men like to be romanced? A straw poll of the singletons I knew suggested that they wouldn’t. Well, until I suggested what that romancing might be. And a couple changed their minds rather quickly.

It really does boil down to what romancing entails. To some, it’s lavishing the object of one’s affection with expensive gifts or experiences. To others, it’s indulging someone else’s pleasures, or simply having quality time together. For me, it was mostly about showing how much I wanted that person. In my long marriage, Valentine’s Day was an excuse to do something out of the ordinary. It’s silly I know, after all it’s a completely arbitrary day — I could pick any day of the year to do this and did. But it felt good to be part of something global, despite the heavy commercial emphasis¹.

I get a big buzz out of planning and throwing small parties because I love seeing people have a good time, it’s a massive ego trip. So when it comes to romancing, I like to get creative, and because I am me, these tend to be nearly always sex-oriented.

Oh, I wasn’t above the beach getaway, the romantic canoe down a river, picnics under the stars. But every now and again, I get inspired. The sexiest plan I executed took weeks of research. We’re talking a dinner of aphrodisiacs, a carefully selected porno, and a seduction room of sensual pleasures. It was almost as fun planning it as it was doing it.

But the most romantic? Ah, that was one I never realised. It was a treasure hunt all over town. Each clue was a different cryptographic puzzle: so there was a blank postcard (invisible ink), a riddle hidden in a picture, a musical cipher, a code inside a sudoku puzzle, and so on. The first, middle and last locations were places we’d shared: the field in which we frequently had lunch, where we had our first kiss and a weird spot which is quite unromantic but amusing, because I had acted like a flighty teenager. The treasure was going to be a copy of my favourite erotic novel². I wasn’t an enthusiast, but the recipient was a complete crypto nut (think Cicada 3301) and I knew he would love it. I never carried it out because, well, even I though I was besotted, he was very not.

I asked my young men how they would like to be romanced, and so far, the question appears to have stumped them.

Well, this is how I would: for two in particular I’d send flowers accompanying mystery parcels to their office. The parcels will contain lacy underwear with very specific instructions and no, they would not be for me to wear. For one hot blonde, champagne would feature but not to drink. Well, at least not out of a glass. For an adventurer, I would create an erotic story mosaic. If we were actually living in the same area, these would pop up in unexpected places: a Post-It here, a card there, a snippet on the back of take-away coffee cup, a voice message, a text from a strange number, all coming together into one. For one very young spunk, it would be a school teacher fantasy.

My ideas of romance here are simply sex games, but they’re based on what I know about each of these young men, and it’s an expression of my appreciation and desire to bring about their pleasure.

Naturally, the nature of the relationship is fundamental. To romance someone I had a deep, emotional attachment to, someone with whom I had shared a gamut of experiences? Ah, well, that’s a whole different bathtub of rose petals.

¹Having said that, in some cultures, giving money is romantic.

²It was famously given to Bill Clinton by an intern called Monica

The post Romancing the Boy appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

I blame Anne Bancroft. There she was, looking like a sexually sublime schoolmistress in The Graduate, asking the gauche Dustin Hoffman “Would you like me to seduce you?”, and the die was cast. All older woman can teach younger men how to become better in bed, a fact which arrives in the post along with your Happy 40th! birthday cards.

While the idea of sleeping with someone simply for the experience isn’t gender specific (hello, all you groupies out there with treasured band t-shirts you still sleep in), it’s definitely a trend amongst articles about dating older women. We’re sexier and better in bed apparently, with a guy “hard-pressed to find a better tutor” for some of the best sex of his life. From having more notches on the bedpost, to more practise between the sheets, to being eager to teach and more confident generally, older women are touted as the ‘been there, done it all’ gatekeepers to a toyboy’s greater sexual satisfaction. Who wouldn’t love to be sent spinning around the bedroom by Kylie, for example?

As an older woman myself, all I can say is .. phew. Intimidating, much?

Yes, I may’ve become sexier and more body-confident as I’ve grown older but dear God, the sexual prowess others confer on me through age alone is a hell of a lot to live up to. I may know what I want in bed but insecurity strikes all of us (especially with someone new; come on, who hasn’t nearly exploded from trying to hold a fart in for too long?).

There are times when I read my messages from younger guys and wince; between the lines I can sense the story in their heads. A story which makes me, an entirely human bag of chemicals, frailties and squidgy stuff, into some kind of sexual granter of wishes. They look at me as a means to a (sticky, visceral, able to repeat on demand) end; I look at me and know that I hog the duvet, laugh like a unplugging drain and, on balance, would far prefer a nice hot cup of tea.

And I’m not alone. Young men may have it even harder (stop sniggering at the back, you); thought to be in their sexual prime, I’ve lost count of the guys who’ve told me about the pressure to perform. Maybe that’s one big plus for younger guys who sleep with older women; they’re more likely to console you than scold you for your unaccountably fallible phallus.

So here’s to you, Mrs Robinson, for setting the bench so high. And here’s to the rest of us; ordinary mortals with fears, hopes and insecurities who can still manage to dance whilst they limbo beneath it. There’s probably a lesson in there somewhere.

The post Older women: a Finishing School for Sex? appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

In the last few weeks, the Twittersphere was all a flutter with the story of a dating blogger who was slammed by a troll who accused our heroine of being the reason that men to expect sex on the first date.

Some women, like myself, hope to have sex on the first date if that date rings our bell*. If anyone, regardless of gender, expects sex, then they’re not worth going on a second date with until they evolve a whole lot more.

However, this issue happened to turn up on my media channels just as I started examining my dating motives.

I’d been having a marvellous time at TBW – being “courted”, as it were, by a carousel of beautiful, young men was intoxicating – how could it not? And been on a several dates all of which culminated in lovely orgasms. Only one of whom I’d seen more than once.

I’d never done the Tinder thing, so I can’t compare the experience. And the last time I went “on the pull” was well over 20 years ago. But essentially, these were hook ups. With added sparkling, intelligent, wide-ranging conversation. My particular brand of aphrodisiac.

Like my heroine of the sex on the first date storm, I enjoy sex and I don’t see why sleeping with a man on the first would automatically make me a slut and/or preclude a second. There was one whom I wanted to see again and, ugh, I developed a crush on. Luckily for me, he turned out to be a class A arsehole so I am glad I didn’t see him again. Another… well, I didn’t want to see again, but he’s persisting and I’m not resisting, mainly because I’m curious to see what happens.

But then I started feeling dissatisfied. Was it because I wasn’t seeing them again? Was it that I was really ready for a… relationship?

So I decided to give not sleeping with a hot boy a go. The result was that I wish I had fucked one witty, sensitive, gorgeous young man’s brains out instead of holding back. Because, guess what? I didn’t see him again. My hormones were practically screaming at me to go for it, but nooooo, I chose to go against my nature and denied myself for… what exactly?

Coincidentally, I discovered Dr Zhana Vrangalova, her excellent Tedx talk “Is Casual Sex Bad for You” which shed a little light on why I was feeling so discombobulated. She asked certain questions which should help to clarify if casual sex was for me but it turns out that I’m not so clear cut in my desires (her Casual Sex Project by the way is pretty awesome).

What the denial did show me though, was that I craved intimacy, which I wasn’t getting from the encounters. And I thought back to one of the things I learned earlier this year about how long-lasting happy relationships came about: friendship first, forming an emotional bond, leading to intimacy.

The problem is, I am currently in a situation where meeting new friends is not so easy. In fact, it’s a lot easier to arrange a hook up. Wham, bam, thank you, young man. Perhaps, the cause for the unhappy was that the encounters were too often and too close together? So right now, I am allowing myself to be pleasantly distracted by a hot boy who is teasing me with thoughtful intercourse on lust, need and sexual motives. I know he just wants to do me. But he also seems to like me for me, and tells me frequently how sexy he finds me. He once astutely observed that my ego loves him, which is why I’m talking to him. And he’s right. He’s young, he’s full of life, and he’s so easy on the eye, I am the envy of the 20-something women he should be dating.

Until I can figure out how I can make new friends, I’ll make do with new playmates. Don’t mistake me: I like my own company, but sometimes it’s nice to have someone else to stroke. If I can’t have a deep, meaningful friendship with the oh-my-god, I can at least have the orgasm. Not too shabby, I’d say.

*What an anti-masturbation Christian website delightfully coined “ringing the devil’s doorbell.” LOVE it. Incidentally, the one I didn’t fuck: I didn’t see him again because he lived 3 hours’ travel away. Stupid girl. Should have seen that one coming. Lesson learned.

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Dating a man or woman with ideas of their own? Is a trip to see The Hunger Games followed by TGIFridays just not gonna cut it? Here are some top “geeky” date ideas to entertain the sexy intellectual in your life.

Go To Your Local Trivia Night 

What do intelligent people enjoy doing? Flexing what it metaphorically their strongest muscle! Find a local pub quiz going on, order in a round of drinks and settle down to some good old-fashioned quizzing. Got a friend with similar interests? Make it a double-date. Ooh I’m feeling competitive just thinking about this one. Don’t forget you can always practice at home first. Here’s a few trivia questions to get you started.

Indulge In a Private Lesson 

Hire a private tutor for the evening to teach you a new skill together. This can be something themed, like learning a romance language for example. Or you could go for something you’ve always wanted to have a go at like electric guitar or take a test drive in a really expensive, up-to-date vehicle. Geek out together over the excitement of learning something new.

Visit a Molecular Gastronomy Restaurant

Food just might be the tastiest science there is (and I’m not sure that’s saying much.) Find the restaurants near you that offer new and exciting Modernist Cuisine or if you’re feeling confidence give it a go at home.

Get Out To The Museums 

Undoubtedly one of the best things about living in the UK is the availability of free-entry museums. There are the big ones in major cities that will naturally come to mind but there are probably some niche ones near you work checking out also. Trust me, I had an amazing day once at Birmingham’s Pen Museum (you’d be surprised).

Look Up Local Tech Events 

It could be the release of an app, it could be the demonstration of a new product, check out whatever tech launches are going on nearby or any tech exhibitions. The future is now.

Independent Cinema

OK, everyone loves the movies sometimes so you can make it less generic by going to a more interesting cinema. Enjoy admirable visuals at an IMAX, find yourself unsure where to look at a giant screen or visit on the smaller, independent cinemas that have sofas instead of chairs. These often show unusual and foreign films too, perfetto!

Board Game Marathon 

You don’t have to go all the way and play a 48 hour game of Magic The Gathering. This is good clean fun at it’s very best but it can also be strangely exciting in a competitive, I’m-building-a-hotel-right-on-your-property kind of way. Looking for some unusual games? Try Carcassonne or Pandemic.

Lock Yourself In

The most fun ever had in an hour (yes really, more fun than even what you’re thinking), I highly recommend you take yourself – and your date – immediately to your nearest Escape Game provider. You and your chosen companion will be locked into a room/rooms where a puzzle has been left for you to solve in order to work your way out. Don’t make it in time and they leave you locked in till the next paid customer arrives (oh OK, not really). Learn whether you work well as a team, how your date acts under pressure and all that other rubbish while you seriously have an amazing time.

Volunteer

If you or your partner are looking for something less obvious and more generally beneficial to humanity, I recommend looking for a volunteering experience near you. It may not seem the best choice, as you will no doubt share your date’s attention with a volunteer team, but it’s a good chance to see how socially conscious they are show them you enjoy giving back to the universe.

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We’ve all been there, a hot younger man appears and with him an instant smile across your face. Is it just a one-off or should you go younger for good? Compare yourself to this list of signs you’re in fact a cougar and I’ll let you decide…

1. You don’t ‘feel your age’

‘Age is just a number’, ‘you’re only as old as you look’, you’ve heard all the cliches but still the truth is you feel about the same as you always have.

2. The thought of an older man makes you feel a bit unwell

Older men of the world – there are people out there who want and like you, it just isn’t this type of woman!

3. You’ve been chatted up by a younger man before

The neighbour, the post-boy, even your best friend’s son, you don’t know it yet, but they certainly do.

4. There’s no sign of you slowing down

High-standards and expectations are just one part of being a cougar, if you’re a master of the juggling act and know you deserve the best, you’ll know that means younger men.

5. Attraction is important to you, but so is compatibility

Sex is important for everyone but younger men are also ambitious, adventurous and interesting. You like brains and beauty, one does not mean compromising on the other!

6. You don’t mind a bit of Ed Sheeran from time to time

He’s scruffy and ginger and still only 24, but somehow that just might be the perfect combination…

7. Watching the Girlfriend’s Guide To Divorce, you knew Abby should be with Will

Well, wouldn’t we all if we could? *Sigh*

8. You’ve been told to ‘date age appropriate’!

It could have been a friend, a TV show, a news article or self-help book, everyone thinks they know what’s right (and what isn’t) for you. But dating men your age you definitely haven’t found it yet.

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