UKs Largest Dating and Relationship Site For Older Women And Younger Man

If you’re looking to jump back into the dating world, why not try one of the most active and vibrant dating platforms? For over a decade, Toyboy Warehouse has been matching handsome younger men with mature women. From love, lust to romance, every dating style is catered for. Why not take a look and see for yourself?

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So let me set the scene for you.

My 20-plus-year marriage had ended, a lonely, passionless and pretty miserable final few years. No intimacy, no sex. I had turned into my great-aunt Maud, a dried-up old prune.

During this time I met a guy while taking a course. He was 10 years younger and charming. What followed was an intoxicating foray into text flirting—leaving me quite giddy with rapidly thawing frigidity and the profound realisation that I’d lived my previous 20 years in a sort of coma. That friendship, however, remained platonic.

The attitude of men my own age saddened me, and I became frustrated by their idea of foreplay (not to mention the postcoital narcolepsy five minutes later. So, I told myself, wasn’t it about time I did a little road testing of some younger models? (Purely in the name of market research, you understand…)

I had begun to realise that I’m a nonconformist—a rule-breaker and risk-taker… and, further, that I’m completely comfortable with my own nonconformity. I was 47, and it was about bloody time I celebrated the Rebel Rebel in me.

Around that time an acquaintance told me about a dating website called Toyboy Warehouse. She added that she couldn’t possibly sign up on that site because of insecurities about being overweight/out of shape/unfit/wrinkly/timid… I’ll bet you can already guess my response…

Where do I sign up?

It’s a curious old thing–the word cougar sounds rather threatening and predatory, don’t you think? Yet “threatening” and “predatory” are absolutely not words I would ever use to describe myself. So I was curious as I registered my details, a short, bio, my height, hair colour, AGE and other details, I signed up and held my breath! What world was I entering?

My girlfriends fell into two camps: those utterly horrified by what I was about to embark upon (secretly jealous I reckoned) and those who cheered me on and wanted all the details (maybe just a bit jealous but also excited about living vicariously through me)!

I joined the site because I like a dare!  I was looking for fun, flirting, sex, and education. What I did not expect was that great friendships would develop, along with a level of intimacy that I’d never before experienced before in my life. And, best of all, more attention, devotion and laughter than during two decades of marriage.

And the sex. Oh, the sex was extraordinary. Selfless and attentive and satisfying. You see, the reality is far from the cultural icon of Mrs. Robinson. In fact, the most likely scenario for a woman with a younger partner is that she has arrived at midlife having had a long long-term relationship, few sexual partners, several children, and a pretty boring sex life.

These young men are thrilled to be able to teach an older woman some new tricks!

Why do younger men date older women?

I was curious, so questioned these beautiful young men on their reasons for hanging out with an older woman. (The men I have met are on average 15 years younger than me)—and their answers were enlightening.

• Intelligent conversation
• Independent—An older woman doesn’t NEED a man to validate her existence
• Sexually more adventurous—and happy to try new things
• Sexy without even knowing it—comfortable in her own skin
• Accepting of her partner.
• All woman – the real deal….generally without silicon and self-obsessed grooming practices.
• Able to teach about relationships in a non-threatening way.

In the beginning I did begin a rendezvous by justifying myself, explaining that my body was not that of a 25-year-old; that I’d carried, given birth to, and nursed my children, blah, blah. And then a finger came up to my lips to silence all my disclaimers.

“Have you any idea how amazing I get to feel because YOU chose me?” was the response I got from one beautiful young man.

“I get to be myself with you,” he added. Good grief, I didn’t see that one coming. We get so caught up in our own insecurities about how we look that we lose sight of what’s really important, about who we are on the inside.  I found that in these nontraditional older-younger relationships, both my partner and I got to be who we really are—masks removed.

Ladies, don’t wait until you’re “perfect” before you get out there dating again. Get out there right away and do some exploring—you might just end up having the time of your life.

Haven’t tried Toyboy Warehouse for yourself? Join the Fun

Read more lessons about midlife in Rebecca’s book Best Knickers Always

The post Why I Choose To Date Younger Men appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

“How do I know if he’s genuinely interested in getting to know me?”

We know that some of the greatest relationships can blossom from something that started as purely physical, but sometimes you want to know exactly where you stand before agreeing to go on your first date. Unfortunately, without Derren Brown’s ability to read minds, we’re often left guessing and it can sometimes hold us back from going for that first drink and seeing what could be…

Gaynor is back and this time she’s helping you navigate the minefield of the online dating world, helping you to spot the signals and handle tricky conversations to help you determine whether he’s genuinely interested or focussed on the ‘end game’.

Don’t forget, if you have a question for any of our experts leave a comment or send us an email and we’ll make sure that they get answered!

The post Are they really into you or is it just about sex? | Ask the Experts appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

Many people consider their 40s to be their favourite decade of life.

After all, by the time the big four-oh rolls around, you have a lot of things figured out.

Gone are the days when you insisted on being up with the trends. Cerebral pursuits are now your game.

You’re probably more mature, much wiser, and perhaps even smarter than ever before.

Instead of competing with your friends, you now probably have your life on the track that you had wanted it to be on since you were in your 20s and 30s.

But if you still haven’t gotten hitched, you might be feeling like something is lacking in your life.

Believe it or not, however, the expectations that men have in their 40s don’t differ so greatly from those they had in their younger years.

That’s according to an analysis of the online dating profiles of over half a million men on the Zoosk dating website.

What else was found?

Let’s have a look…

Fun, but Honest

No matter what age category men fall into, they are all, first and foremost, looking for a fun woman.

That’s because no matter how old we get, fun is what adds spice to our lives. Without fun, life is basically meaningless.

Interestingly, honesty came in second across the board.

This is a fascinating trend and seems to demonstrate that men are acutely aware of the dangers of having “too much fun.”

Caring, Loving, and Kind

Unlike younger men, guys in their 40s put a woman who is nurturing above all.

This is likely because by this age, most men realise what is truly important in life.

That means that, although looks always play some role, men are more open to the idea of beauty being skin deep.

There is also the sad fact that many men in their 40s no longer have a mother to provide them with care, love, and kindness.

That is not to say that a woman should be a replacement for one’s mother, but there is definitely a correlation between the two.

Intelligent

Intelligence is the 16th most commonly cited characteristic.

Most age groups list this as an important feature in a woman, but they way they refer to it differs by group.

Men under 40 tended to use the word ‘smart’, while those 40 and over, used the word ‘intelligence.’

What does this mean?

Well, considering all of the wisdom and maturity men in their 40s possess, it probably has something to do with knowing the difference between a woman with knowledge and a woman who knows how to apply knowledge.

Loyal

By the time 40 rolls around, it’s likely that you’ve had your fair share of romances.

And heartbreak.

Loyalty is another feature men in their 40s expect from women.

At this point in a man’s life, the last thing he wants to do is play games and be betrayed by someone with whom he is trying to build a future.

Positive

Speaking of priorities, men in their 40s are seeking out women who are positive about their lives, the lives of their loved ones, and the future.

Men tend to understand the importance of surrounding oneself with positive energy and by the time their 40s role around, they make it a priority.

Your expectations may differ from those of the average 40-year-old man, but I think it’s safe to say that most people are simply looking for someone kind, caring, and sweet to spend the rest of their life with.

If you are setting out on a journey to meet someone in your 40s, you may encounter difficulties and even get frustrated.

Just take comfort in the fact that you are not alone and that there are countless men and women just like you on that same path.

About the Author

Pauline Plott is a London-based blogger who became a dating guru after learning the psychology behind modern romance and signing up for every dating website in pursuit of relationship bliss. She shares her reviews and opinions on DatingSpot.co.uk.

The post The Top Traits 40-Year-Old Men Look for in Women appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

It’s as apparent on the streets as it is between the sheets; everything’s now casual. Why wear a shirt and tie when a t-shirt’s deemed more suitable, and why tie yourself to just one person when you can try a whole wardrobe of lovers on for size?

Traditionally, both God and social science brought multiple reasons for hitching your wagon long-term, as Sam Diss in The Shortlist points out;

“.. according to a study in 2012, bachelors had a 24% higher risk of dying of cancer than married men and a 2011 investigation found married couples were 10 to 15% less likely to die prematurely. According to yet more studies, loneliness can be “as deadly as diabetes”. 

.. “In the book of Genesis, God says to Adam, ‘It is not good for man to be alone’, and then he made Eve.”

So we’re getting married because the big bloke upstairs said we should?

“Stability is a key benefit, too. Marriage is what’s best for raising children.”

For older women, finding someone to raise children with is no longer an issue. And for toyboys, it’s a relief not to have weddings and babies looming in the distance like a storm waiting to ruin a perfectly fun summer’s day.

But does this mean casual is the new black? Quite possibly. While it’s not for everyone, studies have shown that it’s not what you do but why you do it that counts. To go all method actor on you; what’s your motivation? Because, as Zhana Vrangalova Ph.D (the brains behind The Casual Sex Project) writes in her Strictly Casual column for Psychology Today,

“ .. when we do things for the “right” reasons, our well-being flourishes. When we do those exact same things for the “wrong” reasons, our well-being suffers. What are right and wrong reasons? 

Autonomous (“Right”) motives:

• Wanting the fun and enjoyment.
• Wanting to explore and learn about your sexuality.
• Believing it is an important experience to have.

Nonautonomous (“Wrong”) Motives:

• Wanting to feel better about yourself or to avoid other unpleasant feelings.
• Wanting to please someone else (e.g., your partner or friends).
• Wanting to get a favor, material reward, or revenge.
• Hoping it would lead to a long-term relationship.

• Not actually wanting to hook up, but being somehow tricked or coerced into it, or too intoxicated to make a responsible decision.

Ultimately, good casual sex comes down to respect; both for yourself and for your partners. As Barbara Ellen notes in The Guardian,

“This means recognising, as decent human beings tend to do .. that in every single sexual situation, both parties have (or should have) an unwritten, but necessary and complex, “duty of care” to each other. That, as well as what’s happening physically, there are the all-important grey areas on the emotional peripheries of sex where mutual trust and respect are key and non-negotiable .. When this baseline is achieved, and only then, it becomes irrelevant how casual the sex is.”

When it comes to being casual, trust and respect are still smart; being classy never goes out of fashion.

The post Goodbye Monogamy? | Is Together Gone Forever? appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

Dating is a minefield!!

Regardless of whatever happens in life there will always be the daters who have no intention of getting emotionally involved and are only looking for sex whether that’s a one night stand or a ‘friend with benefits’ set up. How many times do you hear the phrase ‘they’re all the same’ which can be enough to put many of us off the very thought of dating let alone dating a younger man.

Hunters search for prey and as much as in the animal world, males are looking to plant their seed and move on, in the human world this can very often be mirrored, but how do we know when this is happening to us?

It is man’s instinct in general to play the field but like anything in life we can never tar everyone with the same brush but determining who’s genuine and who’s not can be an ordeal in itself!

In my early days of dating younger men it really did take some effort to sift out the genuine from the faux depending of course what it is we actually want to achieve ourselves. I wanted to spend time with someone who would make me laugh, who would have that verve and energy to stimulate my mind but who wouldn’t suffocate me with endless phone calls or text messages and felt proud to have me at his side.

It is daunting enough to take the step to date again after a long relationship but to date a much younger man also takes some confidence. Yet what I found was that it was usually the guys that needed the confidence to do something about it, not the other way around. However I did fall prey to the one guy who inevitably did only want one thing…

My naivety wasn’t helped by the endearing messages I was receiving and the excitement it gave me to find a new one waiting each day. If like me you’d been in a long term relationship/marriage, you’d know that tingling feeling and almost butterfly like excitement you felt when you first started dating and this wasn’t any different

There was quite a difference in age, 15 years to be exact but I had been working hard in the gym throwing myself into it as a means of dealing with the breakup so from that aspect I felt pretty confident. We agreed to meet after exchanging messages for a couple of weeks and like most ladies going on a first date, I took my time getting ready. We were meeting for lunch as I felt dinner was probably a bit too much to begin with and believed that if this went well, dinner would follow anyway

He was exactly as expected, charming, good looking, talkative and lunch went really well then inevitably the moment came once we’d exited the restaurant when you kiss for the first time.

It was soft, sensual, surprising actually but then he suggested that we should go somewhere a little more private to which I responded with ‘perhaps another time, I’m not sure I’m ready for that’. His reply completely floored me!

‘What? I’ve got to come back again?’.

In an instant I realized I’d been well and truly misled with those words cutting through like a knife knowing that all the charm, smiles and sweet talk was only to get me where he wanted me as quickly as possible. It was a major wake up call but rather than let it eat away at me, I changed the way I approached things

From then on in I took my time to get to know someone but also developed a much stronger shell not necessarily to protect myself but to allow my head to rule rather than my heart, at least to begin with.

With the trend today for young men to experience an older woman at least once in their life, we very often become an item on a ‘bucket list’, something to be ticked off which only adds to the task.  If we look back to the film The Graduate where Dustin Hoffman is seduced by his girlfriends mother, its easy to see why there is this attraction coupled with women now looking much more sexier, oozing confidence and younger for their years.

My experience taught me to treat younger men much the same as I would treat any man. The only way you can determine whether a man is after you purely for sex or actually interested in spending time with you and understanding how you tick is by talking.

Any man worth his salt will take the time and effort to understand you, find out about you, get to know you before looking to take things further and it doesn’t matter what age they are, he won’t push if he’s serious and if they do only want sex, believe me it won’t be long before you realize that!

Inevitably you will come across this from time to time but don’t ever become cynical and tarnished by history, be strong, be decisive, be the confident woman you are (one of the main traits young men are drawn to) and enjoy life!

There are some great guys out there but like rummaging through the bargain basket at a sale there are always the hidden gems, we just need to dig a little further to find them.

Enjoy digging,

Tanya x

The post Ask Tanya | Are Toyboys Only Really After One Thing? appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

Someone asked me recently if my sexual preferences were vanilla.

My immediate response was a raised eyebrow and slight panic, because for most of my life, this quote from American Beautysummed my attitude:

“I don’t think that there’s anything worse than being ordinary.”

Vanilla was boring. Vanilla was anathema.

What he was really asking was did I have any kinky preferences and that there was nothing wrong with being ordinary. Except, you know, see above.

Reflection is always revelatory: Damn it! It seems I like vanilla when it comes to sex. In fact, I love it.

I’d flirted with being a dominatrix, with slaps, degrading insults, and bondage. When it came to BDSM, flirting was exactly the level I was comfortable with.

What I found out also is that I really do not like being told what to do or how to do it. A certain amount of instruction is acceptable but apparently there is a line I have subconsciously drawn. I prefer to be very gently guided, shall we say.

So what do I like?

All the usual stuff that most straight¹ people get up to I guess: oral, a little spanking, some role-play, food play², light bondage, sensory deprivation (ooh, yes, please!), group sex, outdoors, video/virtual sex, sexting (big time) and probably a few other things I have forgotten.

The key for me is tenderness, gentleness and playfulness. I like being thrown about sometimes, much as a child loves being thrown up in the air. I like being suspended in mid-air and being in water. I do not like being taken to the edge — asphyxiation, drowning, arms tied behind my back³. Essentially, pain is a major turn off: causing and receiving. I know there is a blurring between pleasure and pain, that is, some pain can be pleasurable, but for me, the range is definitely  limited. Tragically, I appear to be horribly polite as well: I just cannot spit venom, so name-calling is definitely out (writing invective on the other hand…).

I like being stroked lightly and frequently best. Unfortunately, not something I had my decades’ long relationship; he was always just a little too heavy-handed no matter how much I tried to change that. Not surprisingly, it’s what I like doing best too.

I have a bit of knismolagnia — arousal from tickling — and I’m a tickler, rather than a ticklee. I’m remarkably unticklish and get tremendously turned on tickling someone until they’re ready to burst. Of course, they have to be turned on by that, otherwise it doesn’t work. I’d say that’s probably the only “kink” I have.

Sex to me is sweet and messy. Like candy floss or ice-cream. Both best savoured slowly with smiles and giggles. It’s child-like, and at its core, safe.

Does all that make my sexual preferences vanilla?

At a time when my home and creative career destructed, one of my oldest and dearest friends once said to me, “There is nothing wrong with normalcy, you know. God knows, you could do with some of that in your life.” Coming from a doyenne of the fashion world, I bowed to her superior wisdom, and found different ways to feed the need to be out of the ordinary. I had not, until now, even considered that I might not be anything special when it came to sex. Ah! But being creative with what is deemed ordinary, now that‘s the ticket.

The Oxford dictionary defines vanilla as

“Having no special or extra features; ordinary or standard”

If the opposite of that is pain, physical or otherwise, then I am proud to be vanilla. With sprinkles.

¹ In my life, I have gone through periods of preferring women to men. Sometimes, they overlap but I’d say right now I’m 90% straight.

² I met one person who couldn’t bear the idea of mess. So no food play. Or explosions while dressed.

³ Thought I was OK with this. Turns out not. Childhood incident. Long story.

The post When Vanilla is Better than Chocolate appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

Not everyone’s right for us. Can you take rejection gracefully?

One of the good things about growing older and feeling more comfortable in one’s own skin is discovering the ability to say no.

Many of us ladies have been taught to be people-pleasers from the year dot; do you want to be loved, little girl? Then you’re going to have to be pretty, be NICE, be quiet and put others FIRST, little lady.

GOD it’s stifling. It’s enough to make you want to fall face-down into some Pinot Grigio and never get back up.

So there’s an incredible freedom in finally tuning into our gut feelings and acting on them once we hit the big 4-0. There’s a level of discernment about what we want, who we want to be and who we want in our lives which we’re finally able to access and act upon.

And yep; sometimes that self-same discernment is going to rule against you.

There’s no way to sugar-coat it; your multiple messages may fall on deaf ears. Your welter of winking will not catch her eye. Your avalanche of cards will fall through her digital letter box resolutely and unequivocally unopened.

It’ll feel damn unfair, I know. Why won’t she reply? Why won’t she just say ‘hi’? What the hell is wrong with her for not even checking out your profile? (Whisper it) what’s wrong with YOU?

Why won’t this potential love of your life/desired temporary receptacle for your bodily fluids RESPOND GOD DAMN IT?

Here’s the painful truth: You are not entitled to a woman’s attention.

Nope. You’re not. Nuh-huh. No matter how hot you find her, how horny you are or how grateful she should be, you’ve been sold a lie to expect it and we women have been sold a lie to comply. A lie an older woman just sighs at and exhales, “Oh, fuck that shit.”

I can’t speak for other women but I want someone who adds something beautiful to my already busy life, and it takes a hell of a lot to make the cut. I only want people who inspire mutual joy, who share a desire to grow and learn, and who are as equally generous and emotionally secure as I am.

I’m not looking for a quick fling or a physical fumble at the back of your nearest cocktail bar (sorry about that), so why waste my limited time on guys who appear demanding, immature, self-interested, attention-seeking or otherwise unattractive to my eyes? You may say I’m judging a book by its cover, and that that’s unfair; I say, in the era of high-quality smartphone cameras it’s easier than ever to have a better cover and even then, not everyone wants to read every book. Sorry.

(Face it; do YOU find every single woman attractive simply because she’s older than you? If so, son, you may have a condition *coughs*. For every hot MILF you’d like to F, there’s at least another in a slightly dubious boob tube who you’d turn your back on if she fell over drunk on the dance floor, right?)

I know, I know; rejection hurts. Science (clever science) has shown that social rejection makes the same bits of your brain light up as physical pain does. So if it ever feels like you’ve been kicked in the stomach, your brain pretty-much agrees that you have.

Take comfort in the fact that it happens to everyone (I’ve been knocked-back more times than those aforementioned Pinot Grigios); that it’s probably about them not than you (except when it’s TOTALLY about you, sorry about that, get a good friend to give you some honest feedback, bruv); and embrace it as a learning opportunity – if you’re getting a headache from banging your head against a brick wall, it’s nature’s way of suggesting you move along and try going through someone else’s door instead. Please?

We all experience rejection in our lives; not all of us are classy in how we handle it.

Are you?

The post Can you handle it? appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

The delusion of the age-­gap defence against intimacy

“I have to admit,” said Sheila, “when I first saw Jordan I thought he was ridiculously cute; but, really, all I wanted to do was seduce him. Oh, hell, it was exciting thinking about having such a hot playmate!”

“Yeah,” agreed Jordan, “I was really into it, and didn’t know or care if it lasted. The sex totally worked. Then, when it started to lose momentum, we had to deal actual feelings because ­ who knew? We were starting to care about each other.”

Many people run into the moment in their relationships when they have to decide if they’re interested in going deeper or moving on. going to deepen their relationship, or move on to the next guy or girl. It seems to work for some people, but others find themselves, time after time, left lonely and unsatisfied, like something is wrong with them or the people they meet. And it can make them cynical about relationships in general.

Even when the sex is great, we sometimes pay a hidden cost: unawareness of both how exciting and how challenging emotional intimacy is. That lack of awareness can be what keeps the relationship from moving forward.

Sheila continued, “Sixteen years age difference seemed enough to make sure our relationship couldn’t get too real; that I wouldn’t get too close and then get hurt again when it didn’t work out. I thought that since Jordan was so much younger I was pretty safe from letting Jordan become important enough in my life to make me emotionally vulnerable.”

“What did I think?” queried Jordan to himself, whimsically, “Hah! I didn’t think about it at all ­­at first. All I could think was how hot she was­­ and that I wanted more. Sheila’s just the type of beautiful, sexy woman I’ve always dreamed of being with. It started out as a fantasy, but it became a lot more important than that pretty fast. We were learning from each other and getting closer and closer.”

There are ways of relating—sexual and otherwise—that protect us from being overwhelmed by the anxiety of being open and vulnerable to other people. This is especially likely to develop with people with whom we could actually experience intimacy, and who also want intimacy ­­the “good matches” who let us see that they’re caring and loving people. Seemingly paradoxically, the returned offer of intimacy is precisely what makes intimacy threatening.

“I deliberately and strategically went after younger men because I didn’t want serious dating ­just great sex!” exclaimed Sheila. At that point in my life, I’d had enough of that wringer and was ready to just enjoy the hot guys I could attract for the reasons I wanted them.’”

“And,”Jordan jumped in, “it was a lot of fun making older women feel good, but especially Sheila. I would tell myself that it wasn’t ‘just a game’ for me; that it made me feel useful, powerful. But looking back, I realize that it really was all ‘all about me,’ ­ not ‘us’ ­ no matter who the woman was.”

“Well, at first, though,” admitted Sheila, “I had no problem with taking what he offered ­ great sex,distraction from my crazy work life, and making me feel better in, oh, so many ways.”

“Yeah, I didn’t mind that either,” Jordan winked.

Sometimes the false sense of security that nothing’s gonna happen here,that we’re just “friends with benefits,” backfires: the emotional defense system we’ve created gets pierced by somebody, who finds the way to our heart often before we even realize it. The tacit agreement not to touch or be touched begins to unravel just as silently, exposing us to the emotional danger of intimacy, which we’ve carefully averted through a created defence system called irrelationship.

“It was hard to admit, especially to myself,” said Sheila. “Jordan was unlike anyone I’ve ever met. His age had nothing to do with it. He’s present in a way that makes me feel alive. That wasn’t the way it was supposed to go.”

“Yeah. That definitely wasn’t where I expected things to go when I first met Sheila. But pretty quickly it became a lot deeper than I’d planned on. Her openness and honesty about not wanting to get burned again cut straight to my heart, even though we weren’t looking for anything serious.”

“We agreed from the first that it was just going to be casual,” said Sheila.

“Yeah,” Jason agreed. “We did. We sure did.”

The post Mind the Gap appeared first on Toyboy Warehouse.

Valentine’s Day came and went quietly in my house. I spent it with the love of my life who gave me a handmade card of a single heart — the six year-old version of minimalist style.

As usual, Commercial Love Day was everywhere I went, and plastered all over the Internet. Everyone was urged to show their love with all the usual trappings: flowers, champagne, cards and so many hearts in a every conceivable material that it made me slightly nauseous. But it did get me thinking about romance.

It made me wonder, do men like to be romanced? A straw poll of the singletons I knew suggested that they wouldn’t. Well, until I suggested what that romancing might be. And a couple changed their minds rather quickly.

It really does boil down to what romancing entails. To some, it’s lavishing the object of one’s affection with expensive gifts or experiences. To others, it’s indulging someone else’s pleasures, or simply having quality time together. For me, it was mostly about showing how much I wanted that person. In my long marriage, Valentine’s Day was an excuse to do something out of the ordinary. It’s silly I know, after all it’s a completely arbitrary day — I could pick any day of the year to do this and did. But it felt good to be part of something global, despite the heavy commercial emphasis¹.

I get a big buzz out of planning and throwing small parties because I love seeing people have a good time, it’s a massive ego trip. So when it comes to romancing, I like to get creative, and because I am me, these tend to be nearly always sex-oriented.

Oh, I wasn’t above the beach getaway, the romantic canoe down a river, picnics under the stars. But every now and again, I get inspired. The sexiest plan I executed took weeks of research. We’re talking a dinner of aphrodisiacs, a carefully selected porno, and a seduction room of sensual pleasures. It was almost as fun planning it as it was doing it.

But the most romantic? Ah, that was one I never realised. It was a treasure hunt all over town. Each clue was a different cryptographic puzzle: so there was a blank postcard (invisible ink), a riddle hidden in a picture, a musical cipher, a code inside a sudoku puzzle, and so on. The first, middle and last locations were places we’d shared: the field in which we frequently had lunch, where we had our first kiss and a weird spot which is quite unromantic but amusing, because I had acted like a flighty teenager. The treasure was going to be a copy of my favourite erotic novel². I wasn’t an enthusiast, but the recipient was a complete crypto nut (think Cicada 3301) and I knew he would love it. I never carried it out because, well, even I though I was besotted, he was very not.

I asked my young men how they would like to be romanced, and so far, the question appears to have stumped them.

Well, this is how I would: for two in particular I’d send flowers accompanying mystery parcels to their office. The parcels will contain lacy underwear with very specific instructions and no, they would not be for me to wear. For one hot blonde, champagne would feature but not to drink. Well, at least not out of a glass. For an adventurer, I would create an erotic story mosaic. If we were actually living in the same area, these would pop up in unexpected places: a Post-It here, a card there, a snippet on the back of take-away coffee cup, a voice message, a text from a strange number, all coming together into one. For one very young spunk, it would be a school teacher fantasy.

My ideas of romance here are simply sex games, but they’re based on what I know about each of these young men, and it’s an expression of my appreciation and desire to bring about their pleasure.

Naturally, the nature of the relationship is fundamental. To romance someone I had a deep, emotional attachment to, someone with whom I had shared a gamut of experiences? Ah, well, that’s a whole different bathtub of rose petals.

¹Having said that, in some cultures, giving money is romantic.

²It was famously given to Bill Clinton by an intern called Monica

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I blame Anne Bancroft. There she was, looking like a sexually sublime schoolmistress in The Graduate, asking the gauche Dustin Hoffman “Would you like me to seduce you?”, and the die was cast. All older woman can teach younger men how to become better in bed, a fact which arrives in the post along with your Happy 40th! birthday cards.

While the idea of sleeping with someone simply for the experience isn’t gender specific (hello, all you groupies out there with treasured band t-shirts you still sleep in), it’s definitely a trend amongst articles about dating older women. We’re sexier and better in bed apparently, with a guy “hard-pressed to find a better tutor” for some of the best sex of his life. From having more notches on the bedpost, to more practise between the sheets, to being eager to teach and more confident generally, older women are touted as the ‘been there, done it all’ gatekeepers to a toyboy’s greater sexual satisfaction. Who wouldn’t love to be sent spinning around the bedroom by Kylie, for example?

As an older woman myself, all I can say is .. phew. Intimidating, much?

Yes, I may’ve become sexier and more body-confident as I’ve grown older but dear God, the sexual prowess others confer on me through age alone is a hell of a lot to live up to. I may know what I want in bed but insecurity strikes all of us (especially with someone new; come on, who hasn’t nearly exploded from trying to hold a fart in for too long?).

There are times when I read my messages from younger guys and wince; between the lines I can sense the story in their heads. A story which makes me, an entirely human bag of chemicals, frailties and squidgy stuff, into some kind of sexual granter of wishes. They look at me as a means to a (sticky, visceral, able to repeat on demand) end; I look at me and know that I hog the duvet, laugh like a unplugging drain and, on balance, would far prefer a nice hot cup of tea.

And I’m not alone. Young men may have it even harder (stop sniggering at the back, you); thought to be in their sexual prime, I’ve lost count of the guys who’ve told me about the pressure to perform. Maybe that’s one big plus for younger guys who sleep with older women; they’re more likely to console you than scold you for your unaccountably fallible phallus.

So here’s to you, Mrs Robinson, for setting the bench so high. And here’s to the rest of us; ordinary mortals with fears, hopes and insecurities who can still manage to dance whilst they limbo beneath it. There’s probably a lesson in there somewhere.

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