I live with my 14 year old son and my 27 year old boyfriend, (who is constantly telling me that I behave like a 12 year old). The other night around 10pm my son was still on the phone after 2 hours and when I asked if he was ever going to hang up and go to sleep, he said,
‘Mum Joe has got relationship problems and he wants to talk to you and ask you for some advice……..’
Ok!
Several things flashed through my mind including,
What exactly is a relationship when one is 14 years old?
Best not go down that route perhaps. The next thought was that I must be quite a cool mum to get asked my opinion, instant brownie points; the ensuing conversation went something like this.
Joe. ‘Are you any good at relationship problems?
Me. ‘Well I’m pretty good at other people’s, not so great at my own, what’s up?
Joe. I was seeing this girl for a while and then we broke up but we love each other and now she wants to get back together but I think I might like someone else……..so what do you think I should do?
ERRRRRRRR…..well!
Me. (Diversionary tactics)’ Why did you break up in the first place?
Joe. ‘Her parents didn’t want her to have a relationship they said she was too young’
…………and there’s the rub, what the hell has age got to do with anything really? Remember Romeo and Juliet?
They were about 14 and look what happened.
At my end of the spectrum I often come up against people who give me knowing looks and nudges when they find out that my boyfriend is 27. Some really kind remarks (not!) have been in the nature of.
‘Surely you don’t think he really loves you do you?
Well I wondered about that too at one point, but I now think he really does.
However we are guilty of this kind of prejudice ourselves.
Last night we were both really tired, him from his stupid 70 hour a week job in the catering industry (he has a degree in environmental engineering but has a crappy job) me from riding my new 4 year old horse. To cut to the quick, after driving around the park yelling at each other, me about doing his washing and him about cooking for me . Well he’s Italian, he flips out occasionally, and not to be outdone I harness my French side and yell back. I have to drive around the park when we fight as it’s so noisy I can’t bear for anyone to hear us. The upshot of it was that he didn’t really care about his washing, and as I am always on a diet of one kind or another, heaps of pasta is not my idea of heaven! It was one of those moments when projections on each side ……..the idea of who we both think the other is, not the actuality of that person……. were causing problems. I label him as a spoilt Italian boy and he labels me as an Uber spoilt woman who should know better.
Anyway when eventually we were both lying frozen on opposite sides of the bed I decided to be grown up and suggest we were both to blame and should .just have a cuddle, then his insecurity line came out.
‘Soon you will be in Barbados and find an older rich man with lots of money who can take care of you, why are you with me a penniless guy with a crap job?’
It’s true I ‘m going to Barbados for a month to finish my novel, renting a studio high above the ocean, but I’ll be riding Polo ponies at the polo club not picking up rich old codgers it’s just not my thing and never has been. I pointed out that this comment is as stupid as me saying that he’s going to go to Italy this summer to meet and marry a 21 year old girl and have a big white wedding in the local church to keep his mother happy. I also very sniffily stated that if he really thought that, he didn’t know me very well as this woman prefers to make her own money.
What seems obvious to me now, is that if we are still together after a year and a half and that I managed to sort out lasts night’s little episode instead of throwing out the baby with the bathwater(ie him) as I would have done before it is simply because we love each other.
Difference in age has got nothing to do with it.
In fact a lot of the time I have absolutely no patience and behave like a spoilt brat, but then sometimes so does he. In this relationship I’m just not allowed to get away with it, and maybe for the first time in my life I care enough to take some criticism occasionally, even though the 3 year old inside wants to run away and hide, and the 26 year old inside wants to dump him……..the rest of me knows that being in love is hard work sometimes……..and I’ve always been better at giving advice than accepting it ……….whatever my age .
Victoria Mosley (Siren Song) has two collections of poetry available from Amazon .co.uk The Dry Season (1998) Crazy Love (2002) and a cd downloadable from www.gargeband.com/artist/sublimes . She is currently working on a novel, ‘The Next Best Thing’.
